"Intention to Elope" announcements

posted 3 years ago in Elopement
Post # 46
Member
8 posts
Newbee

Wow, ladies, harsh! And pretty undeserved. @lunaluna – your idea sounds super sweet, and if any of my friends were planning such a ceremony, I would be touched to contribute. Maybe it’s because my crowd and I are older (we are all late 30s40s), and we have all known each other for decades, but there is an unspoken understanding that weddings are about celebrating your relationship and commitment, that can be done both in person and in abscentia. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure such a barrage of negativity on here, but from what you’ve shared about your group of friends sounds like people would be supportive and excited for you two.  

Post # 47
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve read all your updates, and this is my 2 cents.

Your future Mother-In-Law and SIL are correct, calling this an elopement is incorrect, and it will confuse people. 

I understand why you are referring to it as an elopement. But when you have friends/family present as witnesses, they are also guests. So that’s why it is now a private ceremony, or a tiny wedding, intimate wedding, whatever.

 

 

If the cloth is important for you, I’d ask them in person, or call the people who live far away.

This is a request that will raise a lot of questions, and potentially cause hurt feelings. Definitely don’t mail a card, email, text, or instant message.

If I recieved such a card, I would be confused. Here is a sample of the confusion you will cause:

  • Is this card a really casual invitation?
  • Are they inviting me to the wedding?
  • Should I ask if I’m invited? But why else would they tell me in advance?
  • Oh, they just want cloth? But surely they won’t mind if I show up at the wedding?
  • Why else let me know ahead of time!?
  • Let me ask the extended family or circle of friends if they got a card too!
  • I’ll check what they think about this. Whether it’s an invitation or not.
  • Oh shit. Jennifer didn’t get a card. Now she’s upset.
  • Why didn’t the bride send Jennifer a card? Did she forget about her?
  • Did she.. gasp…. not want Jennifer at the private wedding too!? 
  • Why did Uncle Bart get a card but not Aunt Caroline?

You can avoid all of that unnecessary confusion and hurt feelings by not mailing those cards.

 

In your previous replies you have stated how you felt about being asked to donate an item or money to a wedding you weren’t invited to. I think you are not acknowledging that how you felt isn’t necessarily the way everybody in your life is going to feel.

While you feel that you are including these people by asking them to give you cloth, you have no way of knowing they are going to feel included by this. They might feel excuded, and rightfully so.

You are having a tiny wedding and inviting two people.

You are not inviting anybody else.

A lot of people may feel “not inviting me equals excluding me”.

Especially because you have only invited people from your FI’s side, and none from yours. (I’m not judging you on that.) Once word gets around the FI’s family were invited but not your own, this may cause a lot of hurt feelings, anger, and offense. Even if you don’t have a great relationship with your own family. 

There was another forum thread recently about a couple who planned to invited the groom’s mother to be the photographer or something, so they considered her a vendor, not a guest. They were quite surprised with the notion that the bride’s mother would be upset by this. Kind of using the same logic as you, “She’s not there as a guest, she’s there to perform a function.” That won’t matter to your family who are not invited.

(I say this to you as someone who is planning a tiny wedding myself with no family present, just three friends as witnesses. So believe me, I empathize with your situation.)

 

That said: 

These people you plan to ask for cloth; if you are close enough to those people to ask them, it stands to reason they are close enough with you to want (or expect) to be invited to see you wed.

So by telling them ahead of time “We’re getting married in December! Can you do this for me?”, you run the risk of causing a lot of bad feelings. Of course you know your crowd best, but wedding planning can bring out the worst in people. Emotions run high, feelings get hurt. Whlie this may seem like a simple request to you, weddings bring out the big emotions.

 

Finally, after you’re married, I love the idea of inviting your friends and family to your party. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of opinions on how to word the invite, that it will seem gift grabby, or whatever, but a wedding is an exciting time in your life! If you want to celebrate, go for it. Have fun. I’ve recieved a few invitations myself to celebrate with a couple who recently got married and I enjoyed attending.

I think the major issue people have with your idea is that by asking people for something, even though it’s small and of little cost, you may have some people in your life reacting in a way that you don’t expect. You want that handfasting rope? Go for it. Just proceed cautiously in how you ask people.

Post # 48
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

You’re not eloping in any way, shape or form, so don’t call it that. 

You’re having a private ceremony.

Post # 51
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

PPs have covered why this is obviously not an elopement,  but I don’t think “private ceremony” is any better. Aren’t most weddings private ceremonies (i.e., invite only)? I think to the extent you refer to the ceremony in any announcement, “intimate ceremony” is more accurate. 

Post # 52
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lunaluna :  I agree with most of the others. If I found out you were eloping, I would be happy and excited for you and would not be hurt or offended that I wasn’t invited. But if you then asked me to give you ribbons for your hand fasting, I’d be annoyed. Asking me to buy shit for your or do shit for you is not an honor. Your 30th birthday and gofundme examples are outrageous. Like, who does that? Those are both horrible behavior. Asking for the something borrowed is different, because how else would you get something borrowed other than borrowing? She asked if she could BORROW something of your choosing that you already own, and she will return it. This is nbd and I can see how this could be seen as sweet. But asking me to go to a specialized store to buy you a specific item that needs to fit certain criteria…. honey, that’s called a favor. If you need a favor, I’ll probably do it, but don’t act like you’ve done me some great honor by asking me to spend my time and money on you. That doesn’t make me feel special or loved. Depending on our relationship, I would feel AT BEST mildly annoyed, and at worst a lot annoyed plus used.

Post # 53
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lunaluna :  Also, I think asking in person is a terrible idea because at least if it came in a card, I could either pretend I didn’t see it or have time to think of a polite way to say “no thanks”. Asking in person is putting people on the spot. Prepare to hear a lot of “uh…. ok…..” from people with that deer in headlights look. 

Post # 54
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
lunaluna :  To elope is to flee, abscond, run away. One can elope from prison, for example, so it’s not just for weddings.

I didn’t realize so many people didn’t understand what eloping is until I read these forums. The number of couples who ruin or nearly ruin their own plans by announcing their elopements is baffling. It’s unfortunate that people and wedding businesses have turned something so straightforward into something confusing.

Post # 56
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

I see Daisy_Mae’s point, however I disagree.

I got the impression OP intends to ask a small group of people they are extremely close to, for a small piece of fabric or string.

OP can you clarify exactly what you are going to ask them?

I don’t get the impression she plans to show up at their door and say “Yo, I’m getting married in a private ceremony. I want to you buy 2 meters of watered silk from the fabric store and mail it to me”.

As it’s something very sentimental from a small group of people, that is why I believe asking in person would be best.

This is very different from asking / imposing for something big, like asking in person to borrow money, crash in the spare room for a week, borrow the car. Something big like that, I’d appreciate NOT being asked to my face, so I have time to consider without the pressure of face to face contact. But this situation doesn’t read that way to me.

Post # 59
Member
7546 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m confused now. You’re not even asking for something with sentimental significance? A random ribbon from the dollar store would do? 

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