(Closed) "Intention to Elope" announcements

posted 3 years ago in Elopement
Post # 61
335 posts
Helper bee

Wow – I guess I disagree with most people here. I would not be offended by this and would not be phased by it. If you asked for gifts, then I could see the issue, but it sounds like this would be something I could do for free. Or perhaps if more people were invited to the wedding and I was not invited, but I asked to send this…then I would be upset. Further, if you were not a close friend, I might just ignore your letter because I did not care.

However, for a close friend or family member, I would be more than happy to send something along! I would also probably attend your party afterwords to celebrate and love it. 

I think PPs are being petty.  

Post # 62
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
lunaluna :  yeah no,  don’t do this. 

Post # 63
3085 posts
Sugar bee

The whole idea of an elopement is that you don’t announce it in advance nor invite other people to be a part of it.  (I think the term gets misused to mean “very small wedding” or “wedding with parents only” or similar variations because it’s kind of a romantic word.) 

If I received a pre-elopement announcement or any other “I’m getting married and you’re not invited” announcement, it would feel like a gift grab to me, to be honest.  There’s simply no reason to pre-announce such a thing.  

And the whole “please send us some ribbon so you can be a part of our special day, even though you’re not invited” thing would not make me feel included or loved or appreciated.  Particularly when you’ve said even some ribbon or fabric from the dollar store would be fine.  Doesn’t sound like there’s any sentiment behind it.  I would feel like you were trying to find a way to make a pretense at including me.  

Granted, handfasting is not a part of my spiritual/cultural background, although I have attended 2 before so I’m not totally unfamiliar with the concept.  

Post # 64
5015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think its odd to send out “intentions to elope” announcements but if you are set on doing this you could always call it a private ceremony rather than an elopement.  Either way be prepared for hurt feelings.

Post # 66
563 posts
Busy bee

If i received this kind of invite/request I’d feel that the announcement was kinda awkward. If it were someone I was close with I guess I’d find a ribbon or whatever to send them as I’d not want to deal with any potential backlash of ”why didn’t you send us a ribbon?!?!”-awkwardness. But I would feel strange about the whole thing, yet try not to judge them too harshely.

Post # 67
14011 posts
Honey Beekeeper

“There is definitely room for people to feel hurt though, another reason why discussing it would be good and I can see why proceeding with thought and caution would be useful.”

Nobody but nobody will tell you anything but what you want to hear. I wouldn’t in their place, either. Ultimately I’d do your bidding cheerfully, while privately thinking it’s not in great taste. 

You keep saying you know your friends and they would have no issue with it. So, over the years I’ve also been asked to contribute material, sew something for a keepsake, dig up old photos and letters for a scrapbook, dress according to some theme and much more. Not once did anyone have the foggiest clue that I would never do any of that to any of my friends or family members.  It’s really not my place and nobody wants to rain on a bride’s parade. 

Post # 69
392 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
lunaluna :  I think you have been handling your responses to all bees like a champ! 

Personally, I would be honoured to be included in your elopment/private ceremony/intimate ceremony whatever you end up calling it, by sending you a piece of fabric, while not being invited to attend.  I’m unsure if I would be more comfortable with a card/phone call/in person sharing of your wishes, but that doesn’t really matter as I don’t know you! You know those nearest and dearest to you better than internet strangers.

I also suffer from anxiety so perhaps have a better understanding of why this is what makes sense for you and your partner.  I also get not wanting to recreate the hand fasting ceremony at the party…that defeats the purpose of it being intimate in the first place.

Have you considered incorporating the cord and ribbon into the party you intend to hold after your wedding?  Depending on thickness it could make a cute sash/belt of sorts, have it decorate the cake table (is there cake?  I like cake :p), it could be tied to you and your partners chairs, or it could safely stay home.

I love what happened with the 30th birthday!  A few years ago I had a friend going through a really rough time.  For her birthday I contacted her loved ones and asked that they record a video message for her.  Were they all invited to her house to watch it?  Nope.  Were they offended?  Nope.  At least not that I know of, most were pretty thrilled with being able to share why they love her, and celebrate her from a distance.

You’ve been given loads of feedback, and have been open to suggestions on wording and other matters.  I wish you the most happy future wedding day, and party to follow!!

p.s I really hope there’s cake!

Post # 70
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I understand where ypu are coming from and I think its fine!! 

My best friend’s husband once asked me to write her a letter (I dont even remember for what, I guess he told me and I forgot) and email it to him so he could print it and give it her (he was asking her closed ones). I felt special, I didnt care that I was not the one giving it to her.

being part of the hoy of a loved one, even ig you are not there to witness it, is more than enough. Because you love this person and want her/him to be happy.

I believe that a call, or even a text message explaining this to the ones you lov the most and are close to you would be well percieved. 


Post # 71
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I just read through some of the posts, and jumped to the end, skipping many in the middle, because I couldn’t fully agree with some of the bees’ posts. I did read the last few posts, and I think that what you have decided to do is the right approach. Remember too, that if anyone were to be hurt/insulted because they were not invited then IMO they’re missing the point. It’s your union with your partner, it’s about the 2 of you and nobody else in the end. I hope that everything will go smoothly for you both 🙂 best wishes! 

Post # 72
14011 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
lunaluna :  I don’t think it’s at all insulting to suggest that your friends might have the good manners not to lecture you or even that they can feel two ways at the same time. Namely, happy to comply if it means something to you, but a little left out.

It’s probably a bit naive to think that even the people you know well will tell you every single thought that goes through their mind. It’s a lot easier to go out and purchase you a piece of rope. 

I can see that I’m not going to convince you, but I’ll leave with the rule we were all supposed to have learned in kindergarten. Don’t flaunt an event in front of those who are not invited. 

Post # 73
747 posts
Busy bee

I’m really surprised at the back lash. I don’t think this idea is dreadfully rude at all- now that the mode of asking has been changed to a personal conversation rather than a more impersonal card. 

I’d be happy to contribute if a close friend asked me for this.

I wouldn’t feel slighted that I was not invited to what will clearly be a very private ceremony. I’m not being excluded from the celebration, I’m just celebrating at a different time with the couple.


Post # 74
2870 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
lunaluna :  If your friends and family are as open as you say they are, I think they are the exception to the rule, as I know many, many more people that are like how weddingmaven described.

Weddings are a very emotional event, and brides don’t like being told than their ideas are wrong, especially to their face.  Have you ever been in a position where someone is really excited about something, and they ask your opinion, but you don’t have the heart to burst their bubble?  That’s why people do keep quiet about a lot of things when it comes to weddings.

I used to think these private ceremonies/big celebration later were fine but now that I’ve had my own wedding, I couldn’t do it myself as it comes across as gift grabby.  So I’m good enough to invite to celebrate, but not to the ceremony itself – which is the whole point of the celebration?  Sorry, that rubs me the wrong way.

One of my best friends had a private ceremony in Hawaii with just the parents and siblings present, then she had a big celebration at home a few days after they got home.  There were a couple of aunts that at the time were very vocal about being excluded from the ceremony.  They went to the reception party though.  To this day, 2 1/2 years later, my friend regrets her private ceremony.  She found out later, especially lately since another cousin is planning a traditional wedding, that there were so many people upset about not seeing the actual wedding, but they didn’t tell her then.  And in fact, her family did back off a bit.  People don’t like to feel excluded.  It’s very hurtful.

So honestly, even if you asked me in person to donate a ribbon, knowing I wasn’t invited to the ceremony, I’d be hurt.  I’d probably still do it, but I wouldn’t be happy.

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