(Closed) Intentionally being left out by IL

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Wow.  Can I venture to say she’s crazy?  Def manipulative.  And she needs help.  Her jealousy issues are not healthy.  What are you going to do?  Personally (and easier said than done) I would have nothing to do with her.  Let your husband deal with her.  Even so, unless you’re ready to be completely done with her, I would continue to send her a little card and/or gift at birthday and Christmas just to kill her with kindness.  Is she bipolar?  It’s true I don’t have personal experience with that and it might not be the case here but it sounds like she goes through stages of happy and sad.  Has her actions completely taken your husband by surprise?

Post # 4
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@nyebride: I think your feelings are valid and I’m really sorry you are dealing with all of this. I don’t have much advice but just wanted to send a little positive vibes your way!

Post # 5
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@nyebride: You have all my sympathy in the world. And a therapist once told me that the reason I try to read into things (too much or too little) is because I don’t trust my MIL’s motives. Her actions look wonderful on paper, and they’re not a definitive “Screw you!” but because we don’t trust their sincerity they can be just as damaging.

“He always ends up in a bad mood when we try to discuss his mom, which I do not make a habit of.”

This, I think, is the hardest part. I struggle with this myself, which is why I can’t talk about my issues with my Mother-In-Law very often with my husband.

Post # 8
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@nyebride: About the last name and wanting to make comments about it to your H – it’s not his fault his mom’s a “B” and while it’s only natural to feel upset about her actions, taking any of the frustration out on him will only make your Mother-In-Law only too happy.  If the best she can do is the equiavlent of “Mean Girls” high school-type snubs, then do your best to leave the unhappy, mentally unstable woman alone except when absolutley necessary that you interact – any aways do as you ahve and present her with a unified front of you and your H working togther. I know it hurts, but the best you can do is cut contact for both you AND you H to ahv with her – she’s bad for him, too.

As I’ve posted on other areas where people are dealing with dysfuntional in-laws – nothing you ever do or say will “fix” or change this person.  They have something in them that is broken, and only they can work on it.  If the happiness of their children is not important enough for them to stop acting like toddlers and work on their issues, accept their spouses and children and adapt to normal life changes, such as their children getting married, then there is nothing that will make them change.

As for your H and what he does with his mother, keeping on contact, you might look up a poem called “Children Who Were Broken”.  For anyone who did NOT grow up with completely nutso families/parents, this might help explain what those of us who did feel.  I agree with letting him deal with her, and siging cards only if he gets one.  You might find that as time goes on, he feels less need to reach out to her (if he even feels that way).

Post # 10
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@Isilme: Sorry to be a little off topic, but thank you very much for the poem recommendation. I just looked it up and although some of it was no surprise, the later part of the poem addressing how these broken children act NOW really hit home – my husband and I had a little tiff yesterday and I couldn’t understand some of his approaches to heated disagreements.

Even though I love psychoanalysis, I never was able to lay it out quite as well as this piece did, and so I’m very thankful to you for sharing it.

Post # 11
Member
1730 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Sorry to be such a preacher – I’d taken lots of weird things for granted, and only when my Boyfriend or Best Friend and friends made horrified faces about things from my child and adult interactions with my family did I realize just HOW bad they were.  Looking through posts like ya’ll’s on this board made me realize that it goes both ways – at least hurt children can sometimes find and understanding of how families and people are “supposed” to act from TV (older shows, at least) and movies, books and if they’re lucky, friends’ houses.  If your family behaves in a vastly different manner than your SO’s (and I don’t mean whether they open gifts on Chritmas Eve instead of Christmas Day, or love anything encased in Jello), you have no frame of reference for why things are how they are, and their actions are sure to look illogical and wacky.  

I’m sorry for all the Bees feeling this kinda of stress at a time when families are expected to be together and often a lot of effort is made to spend time with people who intentionally and uninentionally hurt us.  I hope everyone manages to have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, anyway 🙂

Post # 12
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Very passive aggressive and manipulative. I do not have any good advice, but I want to give validation and sympathy. Neither you nor your FH should have to deal with somebody so dysfunctional.

Post # 14
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

Are you sure your Mother-In-Law isn’t mine? LOL

I feel for you I really do, I had posted awhile back about my experience and I forget what Bee said it but basically they said people like that take you on an emotional roller coast, one minute they act great to you and the next min they are awful to you. It seems to be that is the case with your Mother-In-Law as well, it’s like she does just enough so people can’t think she is doing anything wrong, but she does it with ill intentions. I would put as much distant as you can with her. I know it’s hard because also I think your Mother-In-Law is a lot like mine, where the more distance I put between her and I the happier it made her. She didn’t care that she had no relationship with me, she only cared that she still had her son in the picture, my Darling Husband realized this by how she kept trying to tear us apart and break us up and that is when he told her, you accept her or you don’t accept either of us and I won’t be in your life. And that is how it’s been, she is too stubborn and too nuts IMO to ever think she did anything wrong, so she would rather sit and stew and blame me for not having her son in her life instead of the real source. Herself.

Post # 16
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It’s totally ok to set up boundaries with her (no solo visits, no phone calls, etc.) b/c you can’t trust her response. Boundaries are awesome b/c they help keep us safe, and it sounds like you need some safety! Even if Mother-In-Law won’t do therapy (and really, that sounds like a plus for you – I can’t imagine being trapped with her for 50 minutes!), could you and Darling Husband do therapy together? About this issue? It might be nice to have someone run interference. I hope it gets better for you!

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