Intentions

posted 10 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Based on your threads, it just sounds like this poor guy can’t do or say anything right in your eyes…and I agree with pp’s, you’re looking for problems.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s weird at all for a guy not to bring up kids or marriage in the first 5 months of dating…you’re still figuring out your feelings for the person and whether or not the relationship is what you want long term. I think if you want to know hypothetically about his feelings about kids, you should just ask him. Sounds like he’d be more that willing to be honest with you.

Post # 17
Member
3262 posts
Sugar bee

kfleming2017 :  He’s saying marriage isn’t a dealbreaker for him. Cool. Your relationship is new and you haven’t had the kids talk yet. Also cool. I’ve read your other threads, and all I can think is…why is she trying to find so many reasons to break up with this poor guy?

Post # 18
Member
2039 posts
Buzzing bee

kfleming2017 :  Dont assume he remembers your conditions. If you’re dating intentionally with the purpose of getting married & starting a family, these are things you should be talking about regularly. My So and I have been together 5 months and talk about marriage & kids & our plans for the future (abstrctly including each other) often. I wouldnt date someone who wouldnt talk about these things with me. theyre important to me and need to be important to my SO.

The marriage thing wouldnt be a huge deal for me on its own. If its something he’d be willing to go either way on, that would be OK. But I’d need to know he was fully on board with it and not just doing it to appease me if we were to get married under those circumstances. 

Post # 20
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

kfleming2017 :  Break up with him and get help.  Seriously.  You are not over your ex.  You slut shame your BF, he can’t make you orgasm and I could swear there was another thread complaining about him too.

Why are you with him?

Post # 21
Member
445 posts
Helper bee

kfleming2017 :  Honestly, I’ve read all three of your threads and I would really recommend therapy. Please don’t take this in a demeaning way, it just seems like you’re very hesitant about a lot of things and it might stem from your past relationship and the “fear of getting hurt again”. Regardless of your BF, that would be a really good thing to address and work through because even if this isn’t the guy for you.. you really don’t want to have the same fears going in to whatever other relationships you find yourseld in in the future. PS- I say this as someone who just started seeing a therapist because I just got SCREWED in an engagement and want to work through a lot of the same things so that I can one day have a healthy relationship again. 

Post # 23
Member
7888 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

kfleming2017 :  You misunderstood me. I got that you told him you wanted to be engaged before moving in. I’m saying you needed to clarify that AGAIN, not just assume he remembered.

Also, how does him not bringing up kids mean he doesn’t want them. You haven’t brought it up either!

Post # 25
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

kfleming2017 :  The part that you seem to be  missing is that it doesn’t matter what he has said or not when you are so clearly not ready to be in a new relationship, especially with him.

What’s wrong with taking some time for yourself, then finding someone who’s lifestyle is more inline with yours?

Post # 26
Member
445 posts
Helper bee

Belichick :  +1 

You can ask for all of the opinions in the world for every single situation and possible “red flags” but doesn’t that just sound so so exhausting?

Post # 27
Member
3262 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think you realize that what you’re doing is completely sabotaging your relationship. You clearly have trust issues, and don’t believe he has the best intentions. This could be because he doesn’t or it could be that your relationship history has caused you a lot of damage you are still not over. I’m going to guess its the latter. This is why people are recommending therapy. Without figuring out how you can move past your baggage, you will not be able to have a healthy relationship no matter how great of a person your bf is. You’ve gotta stop faulting him for everything and look at what you’re doing.

Post # 28
Member
1428 posts
Bumble bee

kfleming2017 :  

1. Kids

2. Marriage

Two major deal breakers in relationships. ASK, don’t just assume. It will set you up for disapointment.

Post # 29
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Discussions about marriage and children will come up often and be pretty much constant in a relationship headed in that direction. It’s generally not a ‘one and done’ type thing. I understand you’re in your 30s, but you’ve only been together 5 months and from your previous posts it seems you’re dealing with other issues within the relationship that perhaps you should focus on resolving before you start having serious future talks with this guy. If you want his opinion on children, ask. But don’t expect anything to come from it. 

After having just gotten out of a 10 year relationship, like others have said it might be best to take things slow. Don’t feel like you have to rush or things have to be a certain way just because you think you should be achieving certain milestones. Not to be harsh, but from your previous posts you seemed pretty illogical about issues in your relationship and pretty resentful. It doesn’t seem like you trust this guy much – no doubt due to your trust being betrayed in your previous relationship. It seems like you’re simultaneously trying to make this relationship be something it isn’t (yet or otherwise) and looking for reasons to end it. PPs aren’t trying to be rude or bring you down with therapy suggestions, but you need to be happy and healthy before conversations about marriage and children are going to be a good decision.

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