Inter-Cultural Wedding Planning is Wearing Me Very Thin (Rant)

posted 2 years ago in Intercultural
Post # 2
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

mrstravelbee12 :  Aw poor bee *hugs* its al going to be fine. I can imagine it’s all a bit stressful and . I’m in a intercultural relationship as well, although maybe not such a big difference as yours. Just remember the most important thing is always your relationship with your Fiance, your relationship with anyone else will come eventually. If they are unhappy with him because he chose someone outside the culture remember that is not a reflection on you, you might de the most amazing, kindest, most beautiful, cultured and wealthiest person in the world and they still would be unhappy because you don’t come from their culture. Over time they will accept you.  

1st. The dress thing is frustrating, do you have a receipt from back in November? Call them again and start making a fuss, seven months to make a dress is ridicules. Make very clear this order is from back in November, your dress needs to be a priority now. Call them every day if you have to, let them know how disappointed you are in their service. You should at least have a fitting by the end of this month.

2nd. Wait a bit longer and then maybe start probing with the people who you feel you can do that. If you happen to be talking with someone who has not reply yet just be a bit cheeky and say something like “so do you think you will be able to make it to our wedding? I would be so great if you could.” I had someone do that to me once and it reminded me to send the RSVP, I just had not gotten round to it jet. 

3rd. Plenty of people have uneven weddings, I have gone to a few. As long as you don’t make it clear no one will notice which side is yours and which is his. If want to stack your numbers you can invite old friends you haven’t seen for a while, I have never heard of anyone being offended for getting a wedding invitation. And tell your new friends there will be others that don’t know people, or invite them all over to your house for drinks, now they all know each other. 

4th. This sucks but you will have to learn and deal with it, and as i mentioned before this has nothing to do with you. They might actually like you but still not like that you guys are getting married. Just try and not take it personally. My Fiance family is very Catholic, especially his grandmother. They told her I was Jewish (I’m not, my name just sounds Jewish) and she threw a fit. Then when she found out my family is actually protestant she was a lot happier. We haven’t told her yet that we are having a non religious wedding, not looking forward to that conversation.

5th I would have fired the wedding planner but seeing you only have 2/3 months until the wedding it might be more of a hassle then that’s worth. Have a stern talk with her. Point out that it was her budget and she seems to be unable to keep to it. She knows the budged, tell her you wont go a penny over and that its her job to make it work.  

Like I said, your wedding will be perfect as long as you focus on you and your Fiance. Everything else is secondary. You have a backup dress. If people don’t come you will have the small wedding you wanted and most likely its the important people that will be there for you. Your Fiance family will learn to love you, just give them time to get used to the idea. When you hire people to do things, dress makers and wedding planners, put your foot down when they start walking over you. Remember you are paying them, they are not doing you favors.   

Post # 3
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I get you. I’m European but living and getting married in West Africa. Every tiny detail turns into a debate.

First there was the engagement. It had to be announced at church, which I was fine with. But we were also forced to spend $100 on snacks for after church. When I tried to oppose this (not even because I couldn’t afford it, but because this is only recently becoming a tradition here, and I don’t want future couples who have less money to feel obliged to do it because everyone else has), I got told that I was just being a selfish westerner. By my FI’s uncle who I had previously thought liked me.

This man subsequently told me I have to “transform my thinking” and basically do everything the local way.

When our engagement was announced, so was the wedding date and location – both of which we had to argue our case for the church to agree, but thankfully they gave in.

Anyway, we got through that and are now into the wedding planning. I wanted to only have one or two bridesmaids, but that’s “not how things are done here”. Instead, I’ll have 4 girls from here to be the bridesmaids and they can do things however they want, and I’ll have my best friend as maid of honour and she’ll do things how I want.

We will do the civil wedding before the church wedding and I need two witnesses for that. For reasons I haven’t been able to figure out, it needs to be one man and one woman. I brought this up yesterday with my Fiance and he basically said he doesn’t know why it is, but please can I just pick a guy and a girl as he doesn’t want another argument with his family over it. I get that, I don’t want to destroy his relationships with his family either, I just don’t know what guy I will pick! But I’ll make it work.

On the other hand, we decided to do the civil wedding three months before the church wedding, whereas normally it’s about a week before, but I need to travel for 6 weeks which makes getting my paperwork done. Whilst they don’t see it as ideal, the important people have agreed to that without any problems. So basically, I’m learning to pick my battles, and for the rest just let them do what they want to stay happy.

I hope this helps you to know I can commiserate!

Now, onto the actual content of your post.

1. Can you visit both the boutique and the store? I’d visit them and tell them they need to get a move on. I’d also start phoning them every day or two until they get so annoyed they do something.

2. You’ve still got plenty of time so I’d give it a few more weeks, then start bringing it up with people you see in person, then mention it in passing to people you talk to anyway on the phone or social media.

3. My wedding will be very uneven too, because people have to travel intercontinentally. But at the end of the day I’ll end up married and that’s what matters! Try to focus on that.

4. Some people complete accept me marrying into this culture. Others, such as the uncle mentioned above, don’t. I’ve learnt one local language. I’m learning their mother tongue (which the uncle’s own children don’t even speak). I live in a local family, so it’s not like I don’t know what life here is like. But he still makes comments about how he doesn’t know if I can cope with life here, if I can eat their food, etc. I’ve lived here for 3 years and I’ve done a lot for his family so this hurts. But I just try and ignore the hurtful things and live my life, keeping civil when I need to interact with him. And this uncle has already rejected many aspects of their culture by becoming a Christian, and therefore leaving behind their traditional religion. Then he tries to tell me that I need to become more like their culture…

5. Can you fire your wedding planner? She doesn’t sound helpful!

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