Post # 1
Me and my bf have been dating more than a year now. Hes german and im a vietnamese. Me is 20 and hes 22. Im studying and hes working . We met online accidentally. Talked online for haft a year and then he went to visit me for 1 month in my country. We hit it off, and felt inlove even more.
Then i went to his country for 3 weeks vacation last christmast and met his family. Now we are planning to get married and close the distance for good. But there is a problem.
Its his family.
When he first came to visit me, he told his parents about it. They didnt tell him not to go , they asked him what he plan to do by dating someone so far away. He said if we are good when we meet and everything else is ok then eventually he will marry me and bring me with him RIGHT THERE. They didnt tell him not to go but say be careful or else i will bring my whole family with me to Germany by using him. I mean like wtf??? It got me so pissed off until a point i wanted to tell him to stay home. But i let it go.
Fast-forward, after he went back from visiting me alive and intact. His parents starting to say if i will move there then we can first stay in their house until we are stable. I was grateful they starting to see me in a different way.
Then when i went to Germany, i met them, stayed in their house for the whole trip. There was no real problem ( atleast how i see it). They even cried when it was time for me to go home.
But yesterday, his parents talked with him. They wanted him to make a marriage contract and alot of stuffs, they talk about how much money i will get from goverment, and how everything is with his salary. And etc and etc and etc. Alot. They are acting like imma ruin his life.
I feel so damn offended here. I was not happy about this. They acted so nice with me and now they just show how they really think. My bf said they just being typical German. I think he just trying to calm me down.
What should i do now? We need to stay in their house. Because my bf said we would struggle if we move out immediately.
Post # 2
I think you should wait to get married until you and your bf can live without financial support from either of your parents. His parents sound like racist jerks, and unfortunately they will have some power over you if you are dependant upon living in their home, and the only way to limit their power is to not need anything from them. Take some time to think it over, see if you can save up some money, and see if he is still ‘the one’ 6 months to a year from now. You are also very young! I wouldn’t rush into anything. Good luck and stay strong!
Post # 3
I don’t think this is racism. I think this is his family being cautious. You two are young, met online and are from two different worlds. If you were my daughter or he was my son I would be skeptical as well.
Post # 4
I think it is absolutley fair to have a pre-nup that outlines what money of your husband’s you’d be entitled to, as there’s a good chance it would take a while for you to get a job in Germany. His parents are looking out for his best interests, and theirs.
I also agree that you should not marry until you two can support yourselves on your own. I don’t think anyone should.
Post # 5
Are they stereotyping, yes but unfortunately the “bad” stories about visa marriages are the ones heard the loudest. I find this is especially true in wealthy countries with generous welfare and immigration systems. Is it fair, hell no but there are a lot of people that do abuse the system.
I see nothing wrong with a pre-nup. I have one. All it is is an insurance policy against the worst, same reason you have car or home insurance.
Post # 6
I think you need to claim down. They are his parents and they are just looking out for him. Nothing they are asking is the least bit offensive if you plan to do right by their son. Yes, you have talked with him for half a year or so, perhaps a year, but you haven’t stayed in the same country for more than three weeks. Plus, you guys are really young. His parents are just trying to protect him which is what any good parents should do. Sign the marriage contract and prove them wrong. Make sure you have some protection in the marriage contract just in case and a “oh shit” fund in case things do not work out so you can either A) Get back to your own country or B) Stay in Germany and get your own place and a job.
Post # 7
Good point. If you don’t plan on divorcing, why should a pre-nup matter?
Post # 8
I agree with your boyfriend, you have no understanding of the German culture; what’s happening really doesn’t seem odd to me.
Post # 9
why o why would you want to marry anyone man/woman who isn’t independent is beyond me.
Wait. When you get married its to start your lives together. If he has to ask his parents for their input in marriage then I’d be annoyed that I am marrying a boy that needs to have his parents input on things. On the other side of it though obviously his parents are going to be concerned (I mean they’re parents)
How did you “accidently” meet online
Post # 10
Of course I meant calm not claim. Damn phone…
Oh and I’m in an interracial marriage btw.
Post # 11
I live in germany and I think i understand what is going on.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
One thing you should understadn: German culture is a very cautious culture. They make contracts and insurances for EVERYTHING.
In this case, it isn’t just you 🙂
There are extremely clear rules about who get what etc. after divorce in Germany. There may even be things in a prenup which aren’t legally binding. You can relay 100% on the German judicial system. You are not being screwed over, German law is very clear on this since the divorce laws changed about 8 years ago. It really doenst matter what document his family draws up, the law is non-negotiable regardless of what is in the pre-nup.
And again: it isn’t you personally. His parents really are being normal for German culture. Get prepared emotionally for this if you want to live here.
And you should know: there is still a lot of predjudice here with bi-rational couples (especially if the female is asian) People do and will judge you. And it will hurt. Get ready for that. People will stare, they may even make rude comments. I have asian friends who have gone through this a lot. It’s something German culture still needs to work on.
Consider now if you can deal with this while you live in a foreign possibly not always kind culture in another language without the support of your friends and family. It is a serious commitment not everyone is prepared for. Your partner sounds really supportive and helpful, make sure you are emotionally strong and felxible enough too.
On the bright side: Germany is beautiful, the people can be wonderfully generous and openhearted and kind. There is a great sense of democracy here and security. Also there are many people from all over the world here just waiting to get to know you!
Good luck, Bee!
Post # 12
*sigh* very many Germans still live with the parents. Yes, it’s wierd. No, it’s not uncommon. It will make the OP life more difficult though. 🙁
Post # 13
OP, I’m German (born and raised) and I agree with his parents. It’s not about being typical German, it’s about being careful. I’m sure you’re a very nice girl and you’re motives to be with him are completely genuine, but if I was the parent of a 22 years old boy (yes, boy) who wanted to get married to an even younger girl that’s from very far away, I’d also be cautious. First of all, both of you are extremly young, and are planning to get married after a very short time of knowing each other. I don’t know any German who got married at that young age (nowadays at least), and it’s a big risk, in any country. Second, I would protect my assets as well. Again, I’m not saying you’re interested in his money, but it’s always good to be cautious. If I were you, I’d wait to get married until you’re a both a bit older and those problems are figured out.
Post # 14
Actually that is not common at all. The average age of us moving out is 20. When I was in college doing my Bachelor’s degree, none of my friends was still living with their parents.
Post # 15
Holy, moly, I totally skipped over the part about you guys being 20 and 22 years old. Wow, yes, I agree with dalia88, you guys are pretty young!