(Closed) Interesting Development with Sticky Situation

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

Yes, it is rude that she suggest you attempt to find another host for a whole another shower.  Your role in the shower planning process should be limited to one task, and one task only:  providing a guest list.  Certainly don’t take her "suggestion" to find another host for another shower.  The person who offered to host the shower should already understand how many people you could potentially have at your shower (all of the women invited to the shower should be invited, per etiquette) before offering to host it, so I don’t think you should feel bad about that.

I also think your fiance should not voice his opinion on this subject.  I just don’t think he (or you) should be involved any further.  This shouldn’t be causing you stress!

Post # 4
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I would  tell her that if there is going to be 40 extra people there then SHE (your FMIL) will have to split the cost or cut people from coming.  Its not like it’s 4 extra people.  Tell her that its not fair to invite that many extras and not be compensated in some way.  If there is no compensation then no one else will be invited.  It’s not fair for someone else to foot the bill.  Besides, she said it herself, that this should be a family party, well shes family so open that pocketbook missy!

I wouldn’t let it go-hell no! I would just tell her straight, this is not fair you wouldn’t dream of inviting 40 extra of your family to a party hosted on her side of the family.  Or if she wants to invite that many people then she should be hosting another party for just his side.

But thats just me. I wouldn’t want someone doing that to my mom’s best friends, thats just total lack of disrespect.  

Post # 5
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Your Mother-In-Law is completely out of line.  You need to ask your mother’s friend about the number of people she feels comfortable inviting.  Then you and your Fiance can decide how many of those invites should be allocated to your mother in law.  Your Fiance needs to tell his mother that she has a choice – she can either pay for 40 people’s food and drinks, or she can invite X number of people for free.  

Post # 6
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

How good is your relationship with Mom’s friend?  I’m asking because, for your sake, it might be best for her to tell your Future Mother-In-Law that she can’t take on 40 extra ppl.  Her personality might be more introverted (and be very difficult for her to confront FMIL).  Or maybe she speaks her mind, and has no problem letting her know.  After all she’ll probably never see her again, outside of the wedding.  But you will have to deal with her forever.

Really Future Mother-In-Law is way out of line.  In fact you aren’t really supposed to have more than 40 ppl at a shower anyway.  Over by a bit is one thing.  But she is talking a whole separate shwoer.  And the shower is supposed to be those close to the bride.  The groom’s family isn’t a necessary invite (except immediate family etc.).  It’s fine if she wants to give you a shower and inivte them, but she needs to do that herself.

So sorry.

Post # 7
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Rude, rude, rude…man, I am ticked off for you!  This is completely rude…if it was me, I wouldn’t invite any of her friends/extended family.  Probably not an option (or a good decision), but I would be seriously pissed enough to do it.  Sorry I don’t have better advice for you, but I think professorbee’s idea is a good one–give her the option of either paying for all 40 or inviting 10 (or whatever number you choose) for free.  Good luck–keep us updated!

Post # 8
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

I’m confused. If she said have two showers, why wouldn’t they (her side of the family) host the party for her 40 people??

In any case, she’s out of line and I agree with professorbee. She needs to help or not make crazy demands. Good luck and update us!

Post # 9
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

Thisis a hard position to be in.  It’s possible though that there’s an alternative meaning to what she suggested.  Depending on how your fiancee brought up the idea of adding a host from his side, it could have been based on how large the shower is getting to be, which is why she may have suggested the second shower as a solution.  Clearly I don’t know all the circumstances or prior comments or your relationship with your fmil, but she may not have meant any thing bad by her comments.

  

Post # 10
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’m so sorry you’re in this tough situation. I too think Future Mother-In-Law is out of line and being rude.

Has your mom’s friend set on a location for the shower? Maybe she can use space limitation as a reason to cap the number of guests? Or just have her tell everyone this is an intimate shower and only close family & friends are invited. And if you get asked about the actual guest list, just say you want to be surprised so you are not asking details anymore.

Post # 11
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

Ugh.  I’m sorry she’s put you in an impossible situation.  Unless your mom’s friend is well-to-do and money’s no issue, I think demanding she take on feeding 40 extra people is a bit much.  It is beyond me why people think that just because it’s wedding related, financial issues are irrelevant.  Um, hello…. is she aware of a little thing called a recession?  *sigh*

Anyways, back on topic… I agree with folks saying the first course of action would be to talk to the host and find out her max number.  From there, you will know how much of an issue this is.  For readdressing the issue with Future Mother-In-Law, it’s your FI’s mom, so he should try talking to her again.  Importantly, maybe you guys can brainstorm together about what to say.  Ultimately, try to put a positive spin on things (‘it means so much to us that the family is so supportive of us.  we can’t wait to celebrate with everyone on the big day!’), be firm with the facts (‘host can only afford/has room for #x people’) and maybe invite Future Mother-In-Law to help come up with creative solutions (maybe a potluck event at another family member’s home?).  Let her know you are open to other ideas but having your BMs host something is sadly not an option either.  Wishing you super good luck! 🙂

 

Post # 13
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

say you took his mom’s advice and decided to have ‘my family only’ shower.

and that you think you need a separate In-law family shower; but only if she (your MIL) hosts it.

 

Post # 14
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

Ugh. I hate the way some people act when it comes to weddings.  You learn very quickly that it isn’t so much about what you and your FH want, but what everyone else wants and expects.  Since your problem is pretty much resolved, I don’t really have any advice but I do agree with Tanya123.  You’re probably already strapped, but I think it would be nice to do something special for your mom’s friend (it doesn’t have to be expensive), just a nice token to let her know how much you appreciate her, because not everyone would oblige such a ridiculous request to have THAT many people in their home at their expense, just for the sake of keeping the peace. Even if they don’t all show, that’s still pretty ballsy for your Future Mother-In-Law to insist they be invited just because that’s what she wants.

Post # 15
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

What an amazing friend your Mom has, if she is able to host the addditional people (which is sounds like she will) allow her to do it just because it seems that things will be easier all around if Future Mother-In-Law gets her way.  Yeah it really stinks but in reality there isn’t a whole lot you can do at this point. 

Definitely agree that you should get her (hostess) something special for hosting the shower and being so flexible, and if you want to feel a little better, get everyone’s attention and take a few moments during the shower to give her the gift and publicly thank her for all the work she put into the shower and for being so flexible with changes that arose!  Then you, your Mom and your Mom’s friend can all have a little smirk. 

Don’t forget to give your Future Mother-In-Law a little wink when you thank your hostess too! 😉

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