Post # 1
I wasn’t really waiting, but I did randomly discover that my mate’s imagined matrimonial timeline is a few years off from mine, so I went into a tizzy trying to figure out how these things are mediated (which is how I found this board). I decided to set a mental timeline for the amount of waiting I was willing to do. And since I have such a good heart, it’s closer to his ideal than to mine.
But at the expiration of my internal timeline, I’m not dumping him, I’m proposing to him myself. Then perhaps being dumped, depending on his answer.
So now the questions that weigh me down at night is not “What’s wrong with me? Why won’t he propose?” but “Can I make enough to support him? What kind of ring would he like?” Wacky business.
Post # 3
I think its an interesting idea to propose to him, with a ring and all. I certainly wish you all the best!
I’m curious about 2 things: 1) Why does proposing to him = having to support him? Unless there’s been a discussion of wanting a SAHP, I don’t see the relation. 2) Timelines change and perhaps he just blurted out a long timeline because he wasn’t seriously thinking. But worst case scenario, if he really is not ready by time X, and verbally expressed that to you, do you think proposing will change his heart?
Post # 4
1) I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking someone to marry me unless I had a steady job and some money in the bank, of which I have neither at this exact moment. It’d feel like inviting myself into someone’s established life to take advantage of it, rather than waiting for the invitation.
2) No, of course it wouldn’t make him ready, but by that time he’ll have had a good long time to do and think and figure out what he wants, and if it’s not what I’m offering, it’ll be time to split. …Or maybe it will be a beautiful moment. I’d be willing to do it just for the tiny chance that it’s the latter.
Post # 5
Good for you- and good luck! Welcome to the site.
Post # 6
I like your attitude! You and he can come up with a compromised timeline that’s in the middle of your ideal timeline and his ideal one, you know. Have you actually talked to him that you hope that’s it’s closer? I couldn’t tell if you did this or not because you say “internal”…
My bf and I came up with our agreed upon timeline after ME expressing what my ideal is, HIS putting his major thoughts into it, and letting each other know. If I didn’t ask in the first place or if I didn’t push him to think about it, it may have taken way more than I was willing to wait for anything.
Post # 7
I think that you should discuss your timeline with him as well. I don’t think you need to give him a deadline or anything like that, but just discuss with him what you’d be more comfortable with and see what his reaction is. If it’s something that he doesn’t seem to want to compromise on (first of all, not a good sign if your partner won’t compromise!), then I think that you proposing would be perfectly fine. I don’t think you need to support him if you propose…that seems a little weird since y’all should probably be a team. As far as what kind of ring…do what we tell the guys. What kind of jewelry does he normally wear? (if none then maybe look to his friends or family members…what is their style?) Think about what kind of wedding band you’d like as well (if you want to match). Best of Luck!
Post # 8
Haha, good concerns. We’ve talked pretty frankly about our differences in plans, and it put us in a bit of a weird spot together – we both want to be married to each other, we both want very much to please each other, but are both a teeny bit stubborn about our respective timelines.
So we haven’t technically compromised on a date yet because he wants to plan some sort of manly surprise when he’s good and ready… if I take him out to a nice Italian restaurant a couple years from now, get on my knee, and present him with a ring, he’ll know ‘you had your chance buddy, time’s up’, and we’ll laugh about it. Probably.
Thank you for the welcome, armychica. It’s very nice to meet you all. 🙂
Post # 9
@LadyTegan: I’m just curious. Will proposing to him actually speed up the wedding process?
I don’t know your SO, but don’t you think that he wants to have his moment to propose to you? Most guys pride themselves on creating a wonderfully romantic surprise to propose. Do you really want to rob him of that?
Perhaps you should try reasoning through both timelines and try to sort things out from there?
Post # 10
@ChicChick: Like I said, he will have had plenty of time to propose his way if he really wanted to. He has the brains to rationalize that ‘robbing’ him of that moment is a gentle payback for not having gotten it together for several years. Plus he can always figure something out after that if he’s dead set on it.
I cannot possibly answer whether it would haste the wedding or not because I have no idea when the wedding would be anyway.
Really an important secondary point to this approach is that I can stop myself from feeling frustrated with someone else for not living up to what I want, and plan what I want for myself. He can turn me down, propose anyway a little later, whatever he wants. For him, it would be preferable for me to propose than to watch and wait, watch and wait, ring shop, bug, etc. That’s him.
Post # 11
@LadyTegan: I love your desire to be self sufficient before feeling you’d be ready to get married. I think that’s awesome. I DO caution you about proposing to him, as many have on similar posts on the Bee, simply because it’s such a time-honored male thing, and many guys A) feel you’re pushing them too fast if you do it B) feel they got cheated out of doing it for you or making up their own minds about it. Men get picked on a lot more han women about having “non-masculine” tings happen to them, and guy friends/relatives could rib him endlessley if you seem to be “wearing the pants” if he goes along with you proposing, even if he follows up later.
Also, you proposing to him at the end of your deadine, unless you’re willing to hear him say, “No, not yet/not right now,” will possibly come across as an ultimatum – Marry me or I leave. Again, this can make the guy feel he never got to choose or pressured in a way you don’t want to hear about 2 years after the wedding during some fight about who left out the cheese on the kitchen counter.
Good luck whatever you choose, for now, just try to be patient abd be happy you’re together. 🙂