Post # 1
Here’s my situation… I am Chinese-American and my fiance is Black (we’re both in our 30’s and established in our careers). I knew he was the one for me when we met 3 years ago. He is a wonderful person, considerate, well-spoken, and smart. There is nothing negative that you can say about him. Unfortunately, my parents are racist which stems from negative experiences with Black people in their area. Since I knew that they would object, I started talking about him 3 years ago so as to get my parents comfortable with the situation (they say disparaging things but sort of ignored it). Due to distance and language barriers, my parents have only met him a few times and were just barely cordial. He proposed this summer and I told my parents and they went full-blown crazy on me. They became dramatic, guilt-manipulators, and just down-right offensive. I always had a strained relationship with my parents so it was not a surprise to me. On the other hand, the rest of my family (uncles, grandma, cousins, etc.) have met him and really like him (we all live in different states so we don’t see each other much) but they have all voiced their approval and support. However, no one can talk sense into my parents and some don’t want to get involved. And his parents are quite the opposite. They are very loving and understanding of my situation.
I’m planning to have a very small destination wedding with just immediate family and friends but my parents are not invited. We are also planning a large wedding reception upon our return… so should I invite my parents to that? And how do I tell my relatives? Do I send them invites and not send my parents invites? Or send my parents invites at the very last minute to be respectful but also to discourage them from coming (they wouldn’t have enough time to fly out)? I really don’t care to have them there but I’m feeling horribly guilty for not inviting them. Its a 50-50 chance that they will make a scene. I think my fiance’s parents are helping with some of the costs but the bulk of it will be paid by us. How should I word the invites? And what do I say to my fiance’s relatives if they ask about my parents? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 3
This is a tough one. I too am in a interracial relationship but the only difference is Fiance and I are so independent that it really doesn’t matter what people say or how they feel. Some very close family members have been downright rude and think they can have a say but we just ignore them. We looking at it this way until we are dependent on said person (s) what they say don’t matter.
Personally, I wont invited them to you wedding if they have been negative towards your relationship. You need support from people who love and care about you on your wedding day.
Post # 4
that sounds so hard! i am also in an interracial relationship. my parents adore him, but his parents were still calling him at my place to come home to meet potential wives while we were dating! yeah, they thought that highly of me at the beginning, lol!
it sounds like you would want a civil relationship with your parents if you could. as hard as it is to swallow what some people have done in the past, if you want them in your future, sometimes you have to. if you knew you didn’t want them involved in your lives in the future- i’d say i thought it would be best not to invite them. would the relationship be salvigable if you didn’t invite them (even if you knew they wouldn’t be able to come)? for a lot of people i think not being invited to their child’s wedding (or reception) would be the end of the road- no turning back. please don’t think i think you’re being unreasonable- i think your parents are the ones who have been WRONG, and it sounds like you have been very patent with them! i guess you and your future husband need to decide when enough is enough, and if you’re ready to cut them off from your lives, then that’s what’s best for your family. but if you decide that you want to keep trying to have a relationship with them, then you have to give them chances to do right.
either way, you will still have your special wedding day, and they can’t make a scene and ruin it there. just my 2 cents! i wish you the best of luck in a crappy situation, and lots of happiness in your future with your SO- you sound like a very strong couple! =)
Post # 5
Not inviting them will cause A LOT more tension, and they will probably resent you for it and make you feel even more guilty. I would send an invite and let them decide if they want to show up or not. You would have at least done your part and owe them nothing, if they choose not to come.
Now if they come, They will probably see all the love and support you guys are getting, and hopefully act cordial.
Im sorry you have to go through this. Good Luck!
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! This is a tricky situation. I think it is probably best to invite them, and chances are they won’t come, especially if they have to travel a long distance for a destination wedding. Either way, I think you need to have a talk with your FI’s parents and let them know what the situation is, in the nicest, most sugar coated way possible. That way, they won’t be confused why your parents wouldn’t show up, or if they do show up and cause a scene or make comments, your FI’s parents know the story behind it.
Post # 7
@Evgal: I’m black and my Fiance is Irish. His father’s side loves me and welcomed me with open arms. His mothers side (well not his mother, but her husband and her brothers) says racial slurs towards me…behind my back and smile in my face. (They are not invited to the wedding)
You are going to have to decide if the drama is worth it. Fiance was blunt to his mother and told her if she couldn’t get her husband and other families to knock it off then she would never see her grandchildren, be invited to our home, and not be invited to the wedding. She is the one who chose to marry a racist man. Even though she has never said anything bad towards me, I will not expose my family to hers. She protested because she doesn’t want to come alone but she couldn’t promise either that her husband would behave himself.
It sounds like you already have a bad relationship with your parents. To me you need to be blunt with them. Let them know that they are on the path of losing you and if they want that to happen because they can’t solve their issues then so be it. Wish them the best and walk away.
Post # 8
Wow. So sorry you are going through this. White and bf is Chinese. Both over 30 and successful. You’d think I was the devil and I’ve only seen them once in all these years. His parents are bat shit crazy with fury that we date. God help us if he proposes. They will probably take a hit out on me! Some people are so racist it’s disgusting!!!
I say invite them and follow up with a phone call. Be very blunt about your expectations of their behavior should they attend. Get someone to Watch them and ask them to leave if they misbehave. It’s your FIs big day too!
Post # 10
WTF! Triple post! Mobile phones are evil 🙂
See, great case to enable us to delete our own posts! 😉
Post # 11
Im white and my Fiance is Pakistani. There are always comments coming from around our table as well. People in my family call him Charlie Brown and Dark Meat. Its so stupid. His aunt also doesnt like me and called me white girl for the first 3 months of us dating. She also said to his brother, I hope you dont marry a white girl…
Ultimately though, with time, people come around and accept that if they love their childern they should want them to be happy. Extend the invite and leave it up to them whether or not they want to come or not. At least you are then the bigger person.
Post # 12
I’m sorry about your situation. I’m Chinese and Fiance is caucasian/Jewish. Though my parents do have racial prejudices, they have always treated Fiance like part of the family, and I am so grateful. FI’s family is wonderful to me as well.
I think you should invite your parents (otherwise you will forever be the “ungrateful daughter”, trust me, I know that phrase well), and if they decide to go, you should ask a relative that you trust (and that your parents trust) to babysit them while they are there.