Post # 1
3 years ago I was in a very abusive relationship. 80% of it was emotional abuse and most of that was directed at me and my sexual identity.
Things like “my ex was better, your sister was better, your best friend was better, you’re loose, you don’t taste good, your vulva is disgusting looking.”
Eventually he started to rape me in the the mornings, justifying it by saying “If you put out more, I wouldn’t cheat on you”.
and the during an argument me beat me in the face and choked me until I passed out, only to beat me again when I came to. That would be the night I left.
I met SO, about a year after that. When we had the “new relationship energy”, I was perfectly happy to sleep with him. Now that we are no longer “new” and I am comfortable, I find myself making excuses to not be intimate with him. And I feel bad for it, which makes me feel like I’m not enough for him, which puts me in that emotionally toxic spiral and I wake up and find out its been weeks since we did anything together.
He knows. He doesn’t bug me about it, trys not to anyway. I’ll admit it DOES bug me when he asks. Which makes me feel shitty, which…emotional spiral.
Any idea how to stop the spiral?
Post # 3
I’m sorry. First, don’t be hard on yourself. It is absolutely normal and understandable if you feel this way.
Are you in therapy? Couples counseling? Are you able to have sex when you try or do you just never try?
I had a rough time in the bedroom for long while after an incident. It took YEARS to get through the roadblock as I have vaginismus and wanted to have sex but couldn’t. I think therapy helps a lot.
(sorry that my response is short an not all that helpful. I’m super tired…)
Post # 4
@HelleCat: omg iam so sorry for what you have been thru god less ou hun thank god that its over and you have walked away from that.
Post # 5
@HisNightOwl2014: i think you still need some healing. how about talking to someone.
i had to talk to someone after me and my ex split. it helped alot.
Post # 6
Yeah when we do have sex I enjoy it. He’s good to me and very sweet, never had any triggers or anything when we are together.
I haven’t had any personal counceling. We are going to couples counceling soon.
It’s like sex has become a chore? I just have no intrest in it. Usually we have sex in the early am, and I have requested this, so I don’t “think about it”. And no even though its in the am. like my ex did, I’ve never even tought about that corrilation till now, so it’s not something that ever upset me with my SO because I trust him.
I think it’s an anxiety thing. Like if there is an ammount of time between getting down and having sex, and when he asks me, I invariably make an excuse.
Post # 7
@HelleCat: When you don’t want to be intimate, are you thinking about your past trauma or feeling anxious/nervous/panicked toward sex? If not, it could just be that you have a lower sex drive now that the new relationship buzz is off.
Post # 8
@HelleCat: I’ve had a similar problem, but I cannot pretend to have gone through what you have. Congratulations on breaking free. I come from a background of emotional abuse and neglect all through childhood, and had experienced a few instances of sexual abuse. My FI and I have this problem though. Going to therapy helped for me, although I do realize that this is not always an option. If you go to a university, they usually have free services. Regardless, the problem is not you wanting to have sex or be intimate, but you not wanting to be vulnerable. Intimacy requires us to let someone get close to us in our most vulnerable states.
You have been taught that when you let people in, they hurt you no matter what you do. This is not always the case. I am sure you “know” this, but your body and mind are trained to protect itself (fight or flight basically). It feels like you’re lowering your guard for the other person, and you have nothing to gain. This is also not always the case. Intimacy is a two-way street, and your SO has to let you in too.
It’s hard to unlearn, and I am still working on it. Things that my therapist always recommended me are meditation, self-talk (talking yourself through situations you feel uncomfortable in), breaking down the emotions I feel in certain situations and allowing myself to really FEEL and address them than shoving them away etc. Practicing healthy things like these helps stop the toxic thought build-up, but it takes time. My therapist also recommended a book Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, but I haven’t read it yet so I can’t comment on it.
I feel like there’s not enough space here to really talk about this. Just know that you’re not alone, and it’s hard, but we can be happier (and we deserve it too!). Have you talked to your SO about all of this? Like… ALL of it? It was very painful for me, but it has helped. It’s easy to assume that they can never understand, but letting him know that I was trying really helped me fight the negative thoughts. Ugh I wish I could give you a hug.
Post # 9
Less about my past trauma and more about “i’m not going to please him anyway so” and “Uh, I really don’t want to deal with this right now” even though intellectually I know that I am attracted to him and he thinks I’m beautiful.
It’s never “God I dont want him touching me”. It’s “god I dont want to be touched”. Like it just comes up only when sex is suggested.
Post # 10
If you can’t talk to your partner about it, that’s not good. You should be able to tell him anything and trust him to be supportive and understanding. I, too, was raped repeatedly by someone I knew (I was not in a relationship with this person) and emotionally abused on a daily basis. I got away from him finally, about a year ago, but he still stalks me and tries to hurt me however he can, and it does take an emotional toll.
I don’t know how to tell you to get over it because I’m still struggling with that myself. But I do talk to my fiance about it and he knows what happened (I keep some of the more sordid details to myself- he doesn’t need graphic explanations) and how I feel about it. He has been really supportive. He doesn’t really understand, I think because as a man, he can’t imagine what it is like to be in a vulnerable situation like that to the point where someone can exploit you and take advantage of you. But he does listen and I find comfort in being able to talk to him. If I didn’t, I would think he is probably not the right person for me.
If you can’t talk to your partner, try therapy to help you work through the trauma you’ve experienced AND to help you understand why it’s so hard for you to talk to your partner about what happened or to be intimate with him anymore.
Can I ask- and you don’t have to answer if it’s too personal- if you feel like your aversion to intimacy has anything to do with feeling tainted by the person who abused you? When I am feeling especially down, I don’t want to be touched either, but it’s because I feel so dirty and want to cut off every body part my abuser ever laid a finger on and I feel like I must be horribly disgusting. It’s sort of the same as how I don’t want to be touched when I’m really sweaty and stinky, but magnified.
Post # 11
No, it is because of what my ex did. I don’t….theres a part of me that doesnt want to “taint” my SO. It feels like it anyway.
I do talk to my SO about it. He knows…some of it. I really should open up about all of it. I know SO wouldn’t flinch, he’s had sort of the same happen to him in the past, with ex boyfriend (yes he is Bisexual.).
That could really help our intimacy huh? If we open up to each other about our past? I always kinda flinched from asking him about it. Because I dont want him upset, but maybe that is the barrier? Both being survivors and we only talk about my stuff?
Thats an idea. I’ll talk with SO about it.
you Ladies are so helpfull. Thank you all so much for sharing with me.
Post # 12
They only way to get past it is to deal with it. That means going to see a counsellor and being completely honest with them. It won’t be easy but hopefully they could teach you ways of changing negative behaviour patterns until, after a while, you start not to associate sex with what happened and how you still feel about it.
Good luck x
Post # 13
@HelleCat: I completely understand feeling like you don’t want to “taint” your partner. My fiance HATES the person who abused me and I asked him once if it bothered him to do things with me that he knows I was forced to do by this person he hates. He said he never thought of it like that and never would think of it like that. I always thought he must be disgusted by the thought of it and therefore, somewhat disgusted by me. Even though I’m still bothered by it, it helps to know that he is not.
Definitely talk to your SO about what happened to you and what happened to him and the issues you are both dealing with. It’s hard to be intimate with another person if you feel like you have to keep things from them and never be completely open and honest. Maybe some heart to heart talks could help you heal emotionally and reignite your sex life? It certainly can’t hurt to try and you may both find it cathartic. Let us know how it goes if you do have a talk with him. I’m sure if he loves you, he will give you the support and understanding you need.