Post # 1
I’d love to hear your thoughts on what my bf (soon to be FI) and I are thinking for our wedding. We both come from large families, but he is closer with his than I am with mine and when we sat down to write out our potential guest list mine was closer to 45-50 and his was 125! With me finishing college only 8 months before our marriage and having much older parents (My dad is 73!), I wanted to keep our wedding budget manageable while still having a very lux and intimate wedding thats about us and not about making everyone else happy, turning into what I call production weddings. Don’t get me wrong they are incredible but just not me or us.
We live in a beautiful town in Southern California but on a work trip for him we both fell in love with Santa Barbara. We are thinking of doing a small SB Courthouse wedding with between 50-60 of our closest relations and friends in attendance that will be followed by a beautiful a cocktail hour and reception at one of Santa Barbaras restaurents, we are eschewing the traditional wedding look and just want it to feel like a 5 star night on the town, no staged dances, favors, etc. Just great drinks, food, and family.
But because family is still important to us we do want to have a larger more relaxed daytime “receptions” at one of our family homes a week or two later where we will share photos and video of the ceremony. So basically like an after the wedding shower to celebrate us getting married. We also won’t be doing many of the tradiitonal parties leading up to the wedding like bridal showers as that doesn’t seem fitting to us if we are going to do a party like this after the fact.
So my question is if you were invited to the after wedding party would you feel like we left you out or were rude?
Post # 2
No as long as you make it clear on the invitation that it is a celebration and viewing party of what you did the week prior. If I wasn’t immediate family I wouldn’t be offended.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom
As long as I wasn’t immediate family I wouldn’t feel offended. Go for it!
Post # 4
I’d know for sure I was a b-list friend. Not sure if/how that would affect the friendship though.
Post # 5
Definitely wouldn’t call it a shower, that would imply gifts. I guess I would be confused – you are inviting 50-60 people to the wedding/reception, which isn’t really intimate at all, and then the rest of the people get to come later to look at photos? Why not just have the 50-60 person event be the entire wedding? Or get married at the courthouse and then have the bigger reception be the entire thing?
Post # 6
Look, I understand that some people want smaller weddings for various reasons, and hopefully your friends and family do too. The wedding is about YOU and your future husband and no one else, and it’s not their place to judge. I wouldn’t have a problem with going to one of these parties if a friend or family member threw one; it’s a nice excuse to go hang out.
If you’re worried, I wouldn’t call it a “wedding shower,” just a celebration, because a shower is for gifts and people might get cranky about being asked to bring a gift if they didn’t go to the actual wedding. Calling it a celebration or something similar automatically doesn’t imply that they need to bring a gift and that might help a bit.
Post # 7
Well, I would feel left out because you are leaving people out. But, I would also be understanding that the couple wouldn’t want a big wedding. To be honest, my husband and I declined to attend the few B list parties after destination/intimate weddings we were invited to, but we also weren’t very close with the hosts.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Usually I would say its your wedding so have it the way you want but in this case I can’t. You want to bring 50-60 people to the courthouse…thats a bit odd and seems like a very large amount for a courthouse ceremony but ok. Then these 50-60 people are invited to your cocktail hour and reception. But a few weeks later you want to invite all family and friends which would be like 175 total based on your combined guest lists? Or is it you’re only inviting the leftovers that didn’t get a ceremony/reception invite? If it were me I’d likely decline. You had your ceremony with family and guests, reception with the same and a separate party doesn’t seem necessary. You could share photos and video on social media with them if thats the only purpose. Definitely make it clear that its a party not a wedding celebration so people dont feel obligated to bring gifts.
Post # 9
Call it a celebration of marriage after. Though I don’t see how that is any cheaper, since you’ll be invinting MORE people and still paying to feed and bev them.
Post # 10
I actually think it’s kind of obnoxious to share photos of your wedding at post-wedding reception. It’s rubbing in their faces that they weren’t invited to the official wedding. I know a few couples that did that, and I always thought it was poor taste. I was invited to both the wedding and post-wedding reception, but still thought it was offensive to the b-list people. Especially, in your case, OP, because it doesn’t sound like SB is a destination wedding for you. It’s probably a few hours away from your hometown where you’re hosting your “wedding shower”. I also echo PP’s suggestion that just have a courthouse wedding with just you two of you and then have the reception with everyone back at home.
Post # 11
Yikes some of you are easily angered! We don’t have a huge amount of friends we have life long friends who are basically family to us so there isn’t any of this B-List mentality some of you seem to be feeling or have felt from people you know who’ve done somewhat similar things. The after wedding party would be for our extended families to celebrate with us in a relaxed like family party atmosphere not as a way to rub peoples faces in something.
Also, for those of you not familiar with the Santa Barbara Courthouse they have full weddings there that are absolutely gorgeous that can accomodate up to 200 people this is not like going down to a small local courthouse and actually 50-60 people there is considered small and intimate and it will be followed by a private dinner. I think it would be extremely rude to expect people to drive and stay the night 4 hours from their home and not host dinner, plus these are our closest family members we want to enjoy a beautiful evening with them. We are trying to invite the people in our families and lives we actually see versus inviting people out of familial ties like his 12 cousins he never sees but if he invites one uncle he’d have to invite this huge list. With that said we do still love them and them us but they also are understanding and would get why we want a small wedding and would be happy to do a family get together after.
I appreciate everyones comments in that we wont be calling it a shower, we hadn’t thought of what to call it but it’s meant to just be a way to celebrate our wedding with our extended family.
Post # 12
If it’s family only, then no, I wouldn’t feel left out. But if you are inviting some friends & not others, then yes I would. So be careful there.
PS: I looked into getting married at the Santa Barbara courthouse-loved it!!!!
Post # 13
glad you got it! It’s definitely a way to get everyone together. We aren’t expecting gifts just come and hang out have some great food and we are excited to be married and share that with you.
Post # 14
I love wedding ceremonies, so I would feel a little left out. But, at the same time, I’d understand if you truly had it very small with only immediate family.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Thank you for the courthouse details, makes sense now. I’m actually not against B lists personally but I can see why some look at it this way based on your initial description. What I now don’t understand is if you already know that the extended family would be understanding and perfectly fine with an invite to this after party but not the ceremony/reception then why did you need advice on the matter? If you know they’ll be fine with it then I’m not sure what other answers you need.