(Closed) Invisible Fiance

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Don’t feel bad my Fiance only helps when he wants.  But I have figured out how to get him to help.  I give him one tast to do and a deadline.  When he finishes that one I give him another.  Some things he did were order the soloist’s music, order the centerpieces, ect.  Easy things. Hopefully you can get him to help out some!  Good luck

Post # 4
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

My Fiance didn’t really get involved until we hit the 100 day mark. That was the point at which he went, "Holy cow! It’s almost here! I guess I can’t put stuff off any longer!" Even then, I’m assigning him very specific tasks, like pulling together photos for table numbers or creating a song list for the DJ.

Post # 5
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Remember, just because he appears to care less about the wedding planning doesn’t mean you doesn’t care about marrying you. Brides value the celebration part because we read the magazines, notice beautiful details, etc.

Generally people put off tasks that they are not excited about. You need to have a discussion with your Fiance about what is important to him (wedding, marriage & otherwise) You can’t be upset with him for not being as excited as you are about the planning portion.

I included my Fiance in the food tasting, scouting locations for our engagement shoot, contacting officiants & making honeymoon travel arrangements. Set long timelines like "I would like this to be finalized within the next week." If he forgets, be patient (as in no yelling or sarcasim) and ask when he thinks he can get it done. This works for me, as guys generally don’t like to be given ‘attitude’

Post # 6
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Early on in the process, I asked him what he wanted to do.  He sort of shrugged… I think because he didn’t know what needed to be done.  As the planning went on, I would run stuff by him and he’d comment on the things that interested him and didn’t give me an opinion on the things he could care less about.  Gradually, I found out what he was interested in by trial and error (i.e. he wants to pick the cake and the music).  I also made things a challenge (i.e. I bet him that I could find a better first dance song or honeymoon destination… he did a great job picking both!), so it made things more fun.  He acts more interested when I give him options vs. when I ask him to pick something out of thin air.  That way, he already knows I like ______ and he can’t really answer "wrong".  Sounds silly, but it works!

Good luck, and have some fun with it!

Post # 7
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Westwind YWCA camp

I’m sorry to say this, but some guys are just clueless – for many many reasons.  I had a friend that got married last year, and her husband said he didn’t help out much because he knew that she would change things to get it her way anyways, and he didn’t want to get in her way.  She was pulling her hair out trying to get him to help her!  Guy are so silly sometimes.

If you’re ok with it, maybe it is the right thing to just KEEP REMINDING him.  I don’t know him though, so that may not be the answer for you.

 I hope things works out! 

Post # 8
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009 - Red Fish Grill

Early on in our planning, Fiance and I sat down and drafted a list of everything that we needed to do, from selecting a venue to printing the menus.  Then we went about deciding who would take care of what and by when it needed to be done.  Fiance chose to handle setting up our wedding website, contacting photographers, putting together the playlists, collecting his guests’ addresses, ordering the rings and renting the guys’ suits.  That way he’s helping out in a big way by doing things he actually enjoys.  We usually carve out some time every Sunday afternoon to head to Starbucks or Barnes & Noble and give each other progress updates on how things are going.  (Sometimes I’m the one that needs reminding about tasks!)

Whenever I make an appointment, like to meet with the florist, I’ll let him know and ask if he wants to join.  So far, he’s passed on all of the florist appointments, but joined for the cake tastings and (wait for it) a Wedding Salon event.

The other important thing for us (which becomes increasingly more difficult as the wedding approaches) is to have some totally wedding-planning-free time together each week.  It really helps to keep things in perspective and remind us why we’re doing all of this to begin with… plus, while I could talk non-stop about wedding stuff, I know enough to save those sweet little details for my mom and sister’s enjoyment.

I hope things start to look up!


Post # 9
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

My Fi is kind of like this. I gave up, frankly! He lives in GA, I live in MO and I can’t physically make him make stuff. When he was here, i told him that i took his lack of interest in the wedding to not necessarily be a good thing. He can’t just expect me to do all the work because it’s too much for one person! So he helped me assemble programs.

But he’s back to GA. I suggest ideas all the time and he goes "ugh that’s so dumb’ and i get really pissy. Fine, you do something i say! It’s annoying, but now i’m just like, "ok i’ll just do what i want" and i do….and if he doesn’t like it, he certainly doesn’t say anything after it’s said and done and ordered.

I want my Fiance to be all excited about details and programs and figuring out our ceremony, too, but he’s just not…i can’t make him without making him resentful. Oh well! You’re right, it’s just like that movie!  

Post # 10
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

I just basically leave my fiance out of it…. I know it’s not what you want or want to hear, but it saves us both a lot of trouble lol He doesn’t want to do it, and I’d likely have one thing or another to complain about if he did it. Plus, I’d get so frustrated because if he did something, he’d keep asking over and over again what it was that he’s supposed to do. He’s sitting next to me and reading this and brought up that whenever I’m stressed he comes to my rescue, which is true :p My fiance really doesn’t have much preference to anything about the wedding, so I don’t push it on him most of the time. He did volunteer to pay for the horse and carriage that I wanted when I said I was going to forgo it since I just didn’t have the money. I still had to call the people and fill out the contract and stick it in the mail, but he wrote the check? lol Sorry it’s not really what you want to hear. I will say though that my mom has been a huge help and without her I might be putting more stress on my Fiance than I am. Maybe enlist someone else to help you instead of the FI? It’s not that he doesn’t care, weddings just aren’t a guy’s thing. My fiance said your fiance is probably afraid of messing something up.

Post # 11
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

i think the`wedding is for the bride; its a very girly feminine thing; I am planning everything because we’re long distance, but I must admit I’m having fun planning; if a guy got excited about flowers and cakes I would feel very weird; so its a good thing if you think about it, you get to make all the decisions, well most

Post # 12
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

sounds like my Fiance, and seriously, I want to strangle him at least once a week.  Our wedding is in 11 – ELEVEN!!! – days and he is still asking me what day and time is the reheasal dinner!  So youre not alone.  Early in the planning process, he told me he just wanted to show up.  It sucks that he has had little involvement, but i have been able to plan exactly the wedding in my head, and when people have snarky comments, he tells them to kiss our asses and that its my day, which makes me forget to strangle him.

Post # 13
898 posts
Busy bee

The more I ask him, the more he disappears. As much as I know he wants to MARRY me, I also know he really could care less about the festivities. So yes, I’m dealing with invisible fiance as well. The only input I got was:

"If we HAVE to have a wedding, it has to be on the beach"

"Dresses? You want my opinion? Google ‘sexy ass wedding dress’…yup…that one…" (everyone should do this…the results are so trashy, and yet he loved the idea)

and "That is so wierd! Why is it like that!? No No No No!" (birdcage veils)

Resolution: He gets the beach wedding, and I plan the rest. He won’t care in the end what it looks like…as long as I walk down that aisle and say "i do".

Post # 14
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

My Fiance was not involved except for choosing food and liquor, and quite honestly I expected him to be that way.  He has patiently (& not-so patiently sometimes) come along on this wedding planning journey because what he wants is to BE with me, which in my mind is to be married.  Otherwise he would be perfectly fine living together without a piece of paper linking us together.  I appreciate his honesty more than anything, and it helps everytime I wonder if he will help with something, to know he is already giving "our" time away to let me do wedding stuff.  Because he knows this is what is important to me.  If this surprises you about your Fiance then I would as k him if he wants to be involved.  In my case I knew where things stood and am perfectly happy to have my friends’ & family help – or do it on my own.

Post # 15
27 posts

I guess I haven’t gotten to the point of accepting and just appreciating whatever he contributes because it’s OUR wedding, not mine. I’m not even the one who wanted the bigger wedding that requires more work. He has the majority of the guests and is more of the traditionalist. Now I feel like his family is just going to come and be guests and have a good time while my entire family and friends are going to be the one putting on the show. Is that just the way it is??

Post # 16
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I also just basically leave my Fiance out of the planning.  I’ve found that when I do that (not in a mean way, but I plunge along in the planning process), he becomes curious and starts to have input.  But when I’ve ASKED him to do something, he is hesitant.

Guys are odd little creatures sometimes…

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