Post # 1
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
Well that was an awkward title, but here’s the context:
A dear friend is getting married this summer and I just got the gorgeous invite for the big day. I am in her bridal party and super excited! One thing surprised me just a touch though, and I was curious if this is the norm:
The invitation was addressed to me and my SO (we’ve been dating over a year, and we all went to college together so she and the groom know him very well). I thought it was sweet to see our names together on the envelope for the first time and didn’t offend me in the slightest at all, but surprised me because we are just dating, not engaged or married.
I am just curious (for reference purposes) if this is the standard addressing protocol for +1s where the guest’s name is known? For some reason I assumed SO would receive a separate invitation since he has known the couple independent of our relationship (ie, they were friends before we started dating) and she has his current address.
If its nothing more than a way to save on postage and paper, then I totally get it– I just wonder if this is the norm since it took me by surprise!
Thanks, ladies.
Post # 3
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
Bumping this 🙂
I don’t have an answer for you, but I’m wondering the same thing!
Post # 4
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
When we invited established couples who have been dating for a while, I addressed the invite to both of them (Ms. Susie Jones & Mr. John Smith). When inviting others, such as our cousins who are in their younger 20s, divorced guests, or people who may/may not be dating someone, we wrote “Mr. John Smith and Guest.” I thought it would be a bit rude if I wrote “and guest” to a person who had a boyfriend/girlfriend that we knew. My Fiance and I always received invitations this way as well, with both names written out. In your case, they prob. figured it would be fine just to send one since you you are dating and would be attending the wedding together anyways.
Post # 5
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
This happened when my daughter got married. Bridal party was given +1 regardless of relationship status. One Groomsmen had been dating a girl off and on for awhile, she had been to several parties, outings, etc. She would not have been invited to the wedding otherwise.
We sent out invitations and sent the “on again” gf her own invitation and received her RSVP soon after. 2 weeks later, they had big argument and gf became “off again”. She called my daughter and said “I’m not dating X any more but just wanted to confirm that I am still planning to attend the wedding and reception”. Sticky situation all around but etiquette states “she got an invitation addressed to her, she has the right to attend”.
So I guess the answer to your question would be “if you were not dating your bf, would he receive his own invitation”? If not, then he would be included on your invitation and it’s your option to invite him yourself.
Post # 6
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
We sent separate invitations to them if they weren’t engaged or married (only because most of the engaged and married couples lived at the same address, lol). We sent them separately due to the fact that (me being a negative nancy) was worried they would break up by the time the wedding happened and wanted them to feel like they had the choice to be able to bring a +1 beside that other person if something were to happen. Catch my drift? I’m not sure how much sense that made.
Post # 7
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
I would have sent it the same way your friend sent it. You are a couple, therefore you get one invite. Am I supposed to send my grandma and grandpa two seperate invites because I know both of them? No, they’re a couple. Couples share everything, including invites.
If you need another example: let’s say my dad invited me and my Fiance to a bbq. Would he call me and then call my FIs cellphone to invite him seperately? No, that’d be weird.
Post # 8
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
Etiquette-wise, she should have sent him a separate invitation, since she would have invited him regardless of whether you two were dating and you and he do not live together. However, she probably did it to save paper/postage and because she knew you guys would be coming together.
Post # 9
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
My Fiance received an invitation to a wedding for some of his friends (we hadn’t seem them in a long time, but we both knew them in college) that was addressed to Fiance and Guest. We were living together at the time (and had pictures of our house on facebook, so they knew), and it really offended me!
When we did our invites for couples who were not living together, we sent one invitation to the person we knew best. The outer envelope just had one name. Then on the inner envelope, we wrote out both of their names.
This may be a different situation, though, because we didn’t give everyone plus ones (only the bridal party and long term relationships). So we were not really inviting Friend X and ANY guest, we were inviting Friend X and his girlfriend.
I hope that makes sense!
Post # 10
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
@dolphindoll:Um… I don’t exactly know, but I addressed envelopes to couples who I knew were dating. The one that we’re friends with independantly live together, and I just put the lady’s name first since I know her better, but it could have gone either way.
I think it’s meant to be a nice gesture to the two of you. I didn’t do anything to “save postage” since it was just 44 cents each…
Post # 11
Hostess
3571 posts
Sugar bee
Yes, I think the idea is that the bride is choosing your “plus one” for you. Other times, one of the couple would probably not be invited otherwise. For example, I have a long time friend from my hometown. He started dating another friend of mine from college. Turns out, the girlfriend really proved herself to be a terrible friend and we’re cordial in social events but that’s it. When I have a first anniversary party, she’ll be invited as his guest but only as a courtesy to him. (I don’t like her, but I love him so I respect their relationship.) The invite will read “Mr. H and Ms. G.”
It underscores that I know they’re together and respect that, even if I’d rather she not be there.
Post # 12
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
We invited our couple friends the same way. It especially made sense for us because they live together, we’ve hung out all together, and therefore, I knew they would attend together. One of the couples even got engaged after we sent our Save the Dates. As a bride I say use your best judgement from what you know about the couple.
Post # 13
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee
@dolphindoll: This is absolutely NOT proper protocol, but it is nice that you got a pleasant thrill out of it.
It very well may have been done simply to save hand-cramps and postage. But the primary reason brides advise other brides to do this, is to imply that the first-named person on the envelope is the “real” guest, and the second-named person is their guest or date. The subtext is “If you two should happen to break up between now and the wedding, it’s her we want, and that second guy will not be welcome.” I hope you can see why that is impolite: first, because a proper hostess considers ALL her guests to be her personal responsibility and a privilege to care for and serve; second, because the hint, however subtle, that she is making contingency plans for a possible break-up denigrates your relationship with your boyfriend; and third because it clearly communicates to your boyfriend “We like her better than you, nyah, nyah.”
A good hostess should invite EVERY guest by his or her own name with an invitation sent to his or her own address. This is true whether the hostess has a pre-existing friendly relationship with both parties, or not. If a hostess wants to “give someone a plus-one” (not a very pleasant wording) the correct course is to ask that person for the name and address of whomever they wish she would invite. If she is a true stickler, the hostess will also find an opportunity to meet that person, since only racey risque hostesses issue invitations to people with whom they have no acquaintance.
