Post # 17
Honestly, I don’t think your Future Mother-In-Law will be happy either way and I don’t think her anger/demands/playing the victim is about the invitation wording (or will stop with this issue).
Go with what you and your fiance think is best. I personally used a “son of …” version for our invites so that both parents were listed on the invites and I think this is a good option for you too. The “together with their parents…” is also a good choice to remain more neutral.
I think it is important that you and your fiance tell Future Mother-In-Law what you two decided since she is likely to try to manipulate you on all the other tiny details of wedding planning. It sets an example that you will take her wishes into consideration but she cannot dictate anything to you. That’s not how healthy relationships of any type work.
Post # 18
@lolalulu_24: First, I’d have your Fiance have the conversation with your Future Mother-In-Law – let him explain the situation. We’re doing a similar set-up with our invitations for the same reasons you listed, and my mom was actually a little upset that we were putting his parents’ names on the invitation at all, so she and I had a good conversation about it. At the end of the day, it’s a piece of paper and most people will throw it away. And if your Future Mother-In-Law really wants to be on the host line, she could always do rehearsal dinner invites!
Post # 19
I can completely relate to this. My parents are paying for almost all of the wedding cost, with Fiance and I contributing small things as well. Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law offered to host the rehearsal dinner. My parents are also put off by the fact that they never offered to help with anything else. My dad thinks it is rude that the offer was never made seeing as how half of the guests are from their family and my parents are footing the entire bill. FI also called his parents and asked how they felt about contributing and his mom said that it was not their responsibility because they were the groom’s parents. She did, however, want the invitations to say “Brides parents and Grooms parents request the honor of your presence…” Fiance and I talked about it and felt that it would really take away from the honor that my parents receive for actually hosting the wedding and decided to just do “Brides parents request the honor…” We did not discuss it with his parents after that first conversation and they have not brought it up. But I was not going to let them share that honor with my parents when they were so unwilling to help them out.
Post # 20
We were in this situation as well.
I am an only child and my parents very generously offered to pay for our wedding. Not that it should matter, but financially they are also a little more well off than DH’s parents. More than half of the guests at our 85 guest wedding came from DH’s side because he has a bigger family than I do. We knew DH’s parents could not offer a lot much money to our wedding (and it’s something that bothered his mom a lot) but they offered to host the rehearsal dinner.
We decided to word the invitations just like another poster said: Mr and Mrs Bride’s parents request the honor of your presence to the marriage of their daughter, bride, to groom, son of groom’s parents”. I think Mother-In-Law was a bit “miffed” that their names weren’t first, but fortunately, she did not cause many problems and DH and I presented a united front on this (in other words, DH did not try to change the invitation wording to appease his mom).
When we made the invitations for the rehearsal dinner, we put “Groom’s parents request…” It worked out very well for us as we had many out of town guests at the rehearsal dinner – most of which were from his side.
Once the invitations went out we never heard any more about it.
Post # 21
SO glad to hear someone in my exact shoes 🙂 It’s a tough one, balancing different ideas of tradition. My parents are happy to cover the costs not because they are “responsible” for it or “obligated” to do so, but genuinely want a celebration for us. FI’s parents are also happy for us and are so excited, but look at the costs as an obligation/responsibilities that fall on my parents. My parents treat it as an honor to host, and therefore deserve that to reflect on the invitations. It would be a slap in their face to have it otherwise.
Post # 22
Sorry but nope, you are right about the wording, she’s out of line. She’s hosting the rehearsal, she can send out invitations to that with her name at the top. My parents helped us with the wedding but we still put “Please join us for a wedding as we celebrate the marriage of jny1179 & FI” because his mom gave us a check to put towards the wedding as well and we didn’t want anyone to feel left out. His father isn’t contributing anything but I didn’t want to put “my parents and fi’s mom request the honor of your presence”… that would just be awkard.
Post # 23
If she’s the kind of person that tells you how to word your wedding invitations without you asking for advice, she’s going to find something to be upset about no matter what. I’d stick to your guns. Honestly, if one set of parents paid for everything they deserve to have the hosting spot. From the way your parents are slightly miffed, it doesn’t sound like his parents couldn’t afford it, it sounds like they chose not to offer. No one of course is obligated to pay for your wedding, but if they aren’t fronting the bill I don’t think you get to grandstand and push to get your way either.
In our case, my parents paid about a third (2 specific bills) and we covered the rest. His parents hosted a small rehearsal dinner at their house and did not offer to pay towards the wedding (I do not believe it crossed their mind since they’re not the bride’s parents). I put “my parents names and his parents names invite you to celebrate”. I believe my parents go first since they paid more/traditionally bride’s family goes first and put his parents hosting too to avoid hurt feelings, though I never thought they would say anything. My parents didn’t care. If either side paid for the whole shebang they would have had the line all to themselves though.
Post # 24
I completely agree. My parents are so happy that they can give us this wedding and I would not want to show disrespect for their kindness by taking away the honor of being listed as the hosts.
Post # 25
I’d do it the way that you plan on wording it since your parents are hosting and they are not. they have the opportunity to send a rehearsal dinner invitation that clearly puts them as the hosts and does not include your parents.
I’d clearly state that you approached them about contributing to the wedding reception and they declined, so the invitation will reflect the hosts and honor them.
Post # 26
I completely understand that your parents are hosting the wedding, and it sounds like they are hosting it very well. I just wanted to point out that you could make an argument for either wording – it wouldn’t be improper to list your Future In-Laws as hosts nor would it be improper to leave them off the invitation entirely.
I assume there are at least one or two people on your guest list who really only there due to their relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law, which is part of the reason many couples like to list all the parents as hosts.
I can understand why your Future In-Laws would want to be listed on the invitation, but I don’t understand your Future Mother-In-Law getting upset over “FI, son of FILs” vs. “Parents and Future In-Laws kindly request.” That said, I also don’t totally understand your parents getting upset over the distinction either. So I think everyone involved might be reading a bit too much into it. 🙂
Whatever you decide to do, make sure your fiance is on board and is the one to discuss it with his mother. No good will come of you being the messenger here.
Post # 27
- Wedding: July 2022 - Greece
@lolalulu_24: Your parents are hosting the wedding and therefore have the privilege of their names on the wedding invitations. If FI’s parents are listed with your parents, it implys they are hosting (paying) for it.
Unless it is something like this where you add his parents:
Mr & Mrs Bob Smith request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter, Amanda Marie to Mr John Jones, son of Mr & Mrs Ed Jones
If both parents are sharing in the cost then you could word it like this:
Mr & Mrs Bob Smith along with Mr & Mrs Ed Jones request the …. at the marriage of their children XX & XX, or as their children XX & XX are married.
Otherwise, FI’s parents get their names on the rehersal dinner invitations since they will be hosting that event.
Post # 28
So – been thinking about this all day and feedback is definitely a huge help – do you think the best bet is to
a)ignore her email altogether and do the “son of” invitation
b) respond to her email with a “Thank you for the idea! I can’t wait to show them to you.”
c) have Fiance explain our choice in invitation wording upfront with no surprises when she sees them (I’m worried about this choice!)
Post # 29
Is there any chance you can get your fiance (aka mum’s precious boy!) to talk to her about this?
Post # 30
I don’t get why it would be such a big deal to just word the invitations the way she wants. It’s not like her proposed language is inappropriate or offensive. Is this really the hill you want to die on?
Post # 31
To my parents, fiance, and myself it is inappropriate and offensive – spoke with Fiance last night and he thinks she’s got a screw loose to even think that she would be considered a host based on her own reasoning for why she and her husband emphatically declined an opportunity to help with hosting duties. He said she would be “son of” end of story, he will let her have a tantrum and hang up on her. She and her husband were quite clear on what their “roles” were when they were approached with the opportunity to participate – be it either financially or any help in planning the details. They literally said their job was to show up, smile for photos, eat and dance: it’s my father’s job to do the rest.
I understand that it is a piece of paper most people throw away and technically you could do it one way or the other and some consider both would be appropriate; however if one set of parents has to be upset over it, it shouldn’t be my parents. Sure, it may be easier to reason with my parents than his, but Fiance and I are willing to do what we think is right and bear whatever cross comes with it!