(Closed) Invitation Advice Needed

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@lolalulu_24:  First, you and your parents need to get over the notion that the groom’s parents need to foot the bill for any part of your wedding.  It is not “odd” that they haven’t offered to contribulte more – its their choice to do so or not.  

Its very nice that your parents want to pay for most of your wedding.  They are not at all obligated to do so.  However, THEIR choice to pay does not obligate anyone else – including the grooms parents.  So, let that go.  Your Fiance was out of line to ask them to contribute.  If they wanted too, they would have offered.

All that said, your invitation wording sounds fine.  Your Fiance should talk to his parents and make it clear that they will be honored and named on the invitation.  They can deal or not.  

Post # 33
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

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@lolalulu_24:  I am in a similar situation, my Future Mother-In-Law keeps e-mailing a new list of demands every other day, yet she has made it very clear that she will not be paying for anything.  At this point my Fiance and I are ignoring her.

I agree that it is offensive.  It is offensive that she wants to appear that she has put out the money and helped with the wedding, get complimented on her “job well done” when she is not contributing anything except her DNA in the form of her son.

Stick to your guns.

Post # 34
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@Zhabeego:  +1. OP, your proposed language is fine and you and your fiance are completely within your rights to keep it. It just sounds like you are unnecessarily resentful of your Future Mother-In-Law and you are allowing your resentment to cloud your view of how important this issue really is.

Post # 35
Member
766 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lolalulu_24:  I don’t think you should have to change it to saying that both sets of parents are hosting. My mom is very insistent that only she and my dad be listed as the hosts, which I believe to be fair. FI’s family is nice and all, but it’s been my parents who have generously paid for everything and have gone to almost every wedding related meeting. My family is more city/sophisticated so I don’t think that his family, who is from a very rural farming area (although they do extremely well), “gets” the wedding. As a result, FI’s family is kind to me but also treats me as if I’m completely frivolous for not wanting folding chairs and for wanting floral centerpieces that aren’t from costco. The way I see it, my parents created a budget that they felt comfortable with and I have stuck to it. I didn’t twist their arm and demand more money- I’ve been grateful for everything that has been given. So yes, while my Future In-Laws are lovely people it has been my parents who I believe deserve the credit. FI’s family will have the chance to say that they are hosting something on the rehearsal dinner invites. 

Post # 36
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2022 - Greece

@lolalulu_24:  I don’t think ignoring her email is such a good idea.  You could just tell her;   you have forwarded her (MIL) email to your parents for their consideration since they are paying for the wedding. 

Post # 38
Member
38 posts
Newbee

@lolalulu_24:  We anticipate this same problem. We’re putting in roughly 5k ourselves and my parents are footing the bill for everything else. We didn’t even put “Son of” on the invitations because we thought it would look too cluttered (divorced parents, step-parents, etc.) and MOST importantly, because his side hasn’t been overly positive about any of the wedding planning or the wedding itself really. My Future Mother-In-Law also invited just about everyone she knows (without asking us) which added a great deal to our guest list. With that said, we’re not trying to be spiteful (I know it sounds like we are), but when Future Mother-In-Law called to say how she’d like her name written out on the invite, I told her that we’d already moved forward with it and that we were going the traditional route since technically, my parents are the hosts. I’m sure she’s mad, but I felt I ought to respect my parents – who have  been supportive not just financially, but emotionally as well. It’s tough, but I think since you’re putting “son of” – there’s really no reason to be upset at all as you’ve covered all of your bases.

Post # 40
Member
5866 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lolalulu_24:  I’m glad that you are going to stick with the appropriate wording.  Your Mother-In-Law is being a bully and it sounds like there is no good reason for her actions.  If there were some mitigating factor (“she’s a single mom who really wants to contribute but can’t…blah blah whatever”) it would be different.  They declined to host.  That’s fine.  But they can’t have their cake and eat it too.  

Your DH is absolutely right.  He should respond to her request and politely let her know thanks for the input but you’ve gone with traditional wording to reflect the hosting.  If she throws a fit, he should disengage.  She is a grown woman and he is not responsible for her bad behavior.  If he gives in to her because she throws a fit, she’ll recieve the message that she can manipulate the two of you with her emotional outbursts.

Honestly.  How some people can reach middle age without becoming mature enough to act like adults is amazing to me.  Good luck to you with this woman, she sounds like a handful.

Post # 43
Member
5866 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@lolalulu_24:  Yeah…she sounds way off base.  All those things are totally irrational. 

Post # 44
Member
38 posts
Newbee

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@lolalulu_24:  Thank you! Yes, when she called to say that she wanted her name written a certain way on the invitations, I just had to tell her that we had decided to go the traditional route in order to honor my parents as the hosts. She’s probably still sulking, but there’s nothing I can do about it and that’s alright with me (and my fiance!). Had she been courteous or even indifferent to our wedding, I would have honored her wishes, but that’s just not how it is.

I am really sorry though to hear that you are dealing with such a frustrating situation too. It really does make the wedding planning process less fun. However, I’ve realized that that’s what these people do – they’re always “hurt” about everything, and you can either cater to it or do your best to insulate yourself and focus on those that are helpful and supportive…my Mom put it this way, “what’s the point of investing so much on such an important event (financially and emotionally) only to not end up enjoying it?” Don’t let her ruin it for you. Do what you think is right. Easier said than done, but the earlier you start putting that into practice with her, the easier it gets! Good luck!

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