Post # 1
New here and having so much fun reading everyone’s posts! So here is my story…I have 5 best friends who will be my bridsmaids. We’ve been friends since childhood and of my 3 friends who are already married, everyone has invited all the other friend’s parents. My parents have been invited to the weddings of my best friends and it is expected that their parents will be invited to mine (some parents have already made comments about attending).
One of my friends used to date an African-American man, and her dad’s true colors showed– he couldn’t stand the idea of having a black man date his daughter and he said that her being in an interracial relationship is like physically stabbing him with a knife and is disrespectful to God (What the heck!). He said there is nothing she could do to hurt him more. My friend eventually ended the relationship with her boyfriend.
Now I’m getting married, and my absolutely wonderful fiance is black. I’m expected to invite my friend’s parents to the wedding. I feel completely uncomfortable having someone so blatantly racist at the wedding. There is a family member on my fiance’s side who is against interracial dating and they are not being invited.
I am so worried about hurting my friend’s feelings by not inviting her father! I’m also worried about hurting my friend’s mother, who is not racist (to my knowledge). Any thoughts on how to tactfully handle this situation? What would you do? I’m planning to talk to my friend about it and explain my thoughts, but I’m lost on how to broach the subject….
Post # 3
@SoonToBeSimmons: I would talk to your friend and just be upfront. “Remember how your dad reacted when you were dating X? That makes me uncomfortable with the idea of him being at my wedding. We have decided not to invite FI’s cousin, who also doesn’t approve of interracial couples, but I don’t want to hurt you. What are your thoughts?” Hopefully as someone who has been in an interracial relationship and knows firsthand how her father can hurt with his screwed up beliefs, she will understand.
Post # 4
Would you feel comfortable directly talking to your friend about it?
“Hey, listen I know your dad seemed to have a problem with you being in an interracial relationship before….do you think that would be an issue for my wedding?”
edit- poster above beat me to it
Post # 5
I would bring it up with the friend first.
Also, WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?!?!?!?! DAMN i cannot believe people.
Post # 6
I TOTALLY relate to this, having just celebrated my own interracial marriage. I had no idea it was an issue but my grandparents on my father’s side, turns out, are both racist.
First, I was totally ashamed and had a chat with Fiance (now husband) about it. I apologized a bazillion times for my family members too.
Then, I chatted with my dad to get his take on their attitudes. His advice was to invite, but they wouldn’t come.
So, that’s what I did. For my own sense of doing what is right, I invited them – but we did invites that had our photo on them, so it was very, very clear that I was married someone of another race.
And nope, neither of them showed up or sent a gift. I think it is sad – but I love my husband and was grateful he wasn’t subjected to their ignorance.
Post # 7
Well, I would sit down and talk it over with your friend. It may be that he was just that way because it was his own daughter at the time. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be so rude and insensitive toward you and your beloved.
Anyway, I can relate. My amazing Fiance is Puerto Rican. He has never hit me, cheated on me, done anything illegal, and been nothing but respectful to my family. However, one of my uncles doesn’t like him because he is Hispanic. He claims it is because Fiance is disabled and can’t work (not his fault), but I know even if he were rich as Bill Gates it wouldn’t matter. Suffice to say, money and race are an issue in my family, especially my father’s side. Anyway, some of these people are not being invited to our wedding. Why sit there in a church and pledge that you will support the couple if it’s a lie? Weddings should be about love, not conflict.
Post # 8
Grrrr – Bigots make me want to go on a rampage! But at least it’s not your own friend or family. I would have an honest talk with your friend. She knows what happened with her dad. She may have already been thinking about this. I woudl tell her that while you love her, you can’t have someone that is racist at your wedding. You want people that are happy about your relationship. She should be completely understanding. And I would leave it at that.
Post # 9
I will say, it may not be as big an issue as you think. You aren’t his daughter. He probably doesn’t have strong feelings about who you’re marrying. It’s different when it’s your own child than their friend, even if you have known them for a long time. I imagine she’d grown up hearing about it to an extent. She may not have known how serious he was until it was an actuality. Imagine you raised your child to know that you would be upset if they ever dated a member of the opposing political party. This has come up, they are aware of your feelings, but end up going out with one anyways. Of course you’d be upset that they didn’t listen or abandoned the ideals they’d been raised with. They may say, But best friend’s dating one too! Do you care? Probably not.
I say talk to your friend and see what she thinks, but I don’t see it being a problem.
Post # 11
Thanks so much for the input, everyone! I think I am going to talk to my friend about it. I don’t think my friend’s father feels one way or another about my relationship, but just knowing he is the way that he is makes me not want him there on our wedding day– knowing his true feelings and seeing him there will definitely taint my experience, especially because my fiance already knows that this man is racist.
I’m leaning towards not inviting him and just dealing with the hurt feelings, but I’ll definitely talk to my friend first 🙂
I just wish people weren’t so ignorant– it is ridiculous that we even have to have this conversation about race!! Thank goodness my family and close friends are absolutely wonderful and have no issue.
Post # 12
@SoonToBeSimmons: I’m in an interracial couple and I would personally never invite anyone to my wedding who was a racist. My husband is muslim also which many people say negative things about all the time so having such negativity at my weddin wouldnt not fly regardless if the people said anythign or not. Just knowing that your friends dad was there and disapproving your love the whole time would not be right! Dont invite him!!
Post # 13
OK, I’m in an interracial relationship and I’d never invite someone who said something like that, expectations or not. Eff them! I wouldn’t even bother talking to them anymore after they said it, anyway.
If my friend asked I’d tell her your dad said this, it goes against my marriage (let alone common decency); therefore he’s not invited.
If your friend’s feelings are hurt over this (completely rational) reasoning, you’ve got to ask yourself why? She knew how it felt for her at the time when he said that, and for you, this is serious! It’s your wedding! What does she care if her totally racist father isn’t there?