Post # 1
- Wedding: December 2014 - Catal Restaurant
So my fiance caught me going over our guest list and we are in disagreement about it. Our venue allows for 60 people max inside and if we go over we have to move some of the guests outside. I dont want that. Right now our guest list is at 72 and we are counting on people from out of state saying they wont come. He took a list at his side of the family’s list and is upset at some of the pepple on there. He has a brother who he hasnt spoken to in years. No one in their family has except for the mom. They all had a huge falling out before I was even in the picture. Since then their mother has moved in with him to help watch his kids. I have met him once and met his gf several times. They were very welcoming of me in their home and they have always been nothing but nice to our daughter when I drop her off to visit their mom. The brother always allows his 2 sons to come to our family functions as well. He wants me to take this brother off the guest list. He has another brother who lived with us for awhile until he began having major issues and then he had to go. They hadnt spoken in months, but this brother recently text him to check on him. He wants me to take him off the guest list. I closed my binder before he could finish the list because I know next to be axed was his mother’s bf. Shes been with this guy since before I was in the picture and he’s a sweet man. They even live together! However, my fiance’s father died years ago and the idea of this man being there but his dad not really bothers him.
I feel it’s rude to not send invites to these people. I think they should be invited and allowed to decline of they want. He has told me in the past that he wishes he could talk to his brothers so i didnt think twice about putting them on the guest list. Now he wants me to act like they dont exist. It’s his fam, but I dont want to be a jerk. Help!!!
Post # 2
Both? I really think moms’s boyfriend gets an invite, sorry. Estranged siblings, no obligation.
Post # 3
nanikoa: I think I would seriously be questioning my FI if he was icy enough to cut both his brothers, and his mom’s longtime boyfriend. Indicates not a whole lot compassion/forgiveness/family values….
I would really encourage him to see how poor of a decision that is. A wedding is a great time to mend fences and come together.
Post # 4
nanikoa: I’m not sure I understand the dynamic with the brother. I’m leaning to say that siblings should get an invitation, and if they are indeed that estranged and still cold over the falling out, the brother could decline. If it were my FI, I’d have a good talk to him about rising above and doing the right thing and including his family in what should be a family celebration.
His mom’s bf absolutely gets an invitation. I’m sorry that his dad passed away, but his own mother seems to have found happiness with another companion. I dont want to sound harsh, but there will be 60 people there and not his dad. There is nothing to replace his loss, and he’d feel a lot happier if he started respecting his mother’s choice to move on and find new happiness in another partner. It would be a huge disrespect to his mom not to invite her boyfriend. The bf doesn’t need to take on any “father of the groom” responsibilities. Perhaps he can focus on a way to honor his father during the ceremony?
Post # 5
I completely understand why you feel this way, but I think future hubby gets to decide about his own list. Maybe talk to him about how if he invites them and they chose not to come, then it is on them and not him. I think the only one I would push for is the Mom’s boyfriend, that might be a bit sticky. Sorry, I’m not much help. I guess just talk to him one more time, but go with his wishes. :/
Post # 6
he should have a say in who comes, it is his day as well. and hes known them all longer and knows the dynamic better than you.
Post # 7
- Wedding: December 2014 - Catal Restaurant
I apologized and let him know that he is welcome to invite whoever he wants. I think I will let him know that his mom should be allowed to bring her bf and that it is a suggestion but the choice is totally up to him.
Post # 8
nanikoa: you said it…..it’s his family. I think he has ultimate veto when it comes to relationships on his side of the family, except maybe his moms boyfrieNd.
There is a chance that someone you hope declines, doesn’t….and than your fiancé is uncomfortable at HIS. Own wedding…especially due to the quaint size.
you can try talking to him one more time about it, but under no circumstances would I ever do that to my fiancé nor him to me. We both have ultimate control over who we do (and don’t) want at our wedding.
Post # 9
nanikoa: Totally torn here. My initial instinct is to invite them all because it is rude, and they are family so at least give them the choice to decline, that’s the polite thing to do.
On the other hand… it’s his family, and by him not inviting them what’s the worst that could happen? They become angry and it causes a rift? Well… that’s already happened, so they don’t need to be invited. They’re clearly not involved in your lives, so why would you want them there?
I think his moms bf should be invited though, he is a part of the family, and it sounds a bit immature on your FIs part for not wanting to invite him. What you’re doing is best, I would leave it up to him whos invited on his side, except for his mom’s BF, I would fight for that invite.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2015 - Contemporary Art Center of Peoria
It’s his family and he should have some say, but you should be the voice of reason, making sure he isn’t too hasty and really thinks about what not inviting them means.
Post # 11
Have a talk to him about WHY he is set on them not attending and if he sticks to his guns – let it go. They are his family and the end say should be his.
Post # 12
You only have a capacity of 60, and you’ve already invited 12 over that, so I’d say don’t invite him. Your husband would not feel comfortable if he attended, and he’s not likely to attend, anyway. With a small capacity, it’s understandable that you’d want to have only your nearest and dearest there.
There’s a similar situation in our family. My daughter had to spend time with an estranged uncle’s family (seen 4 times in 11 years), at another family wedding. She has a capacity of 100, for hers and they aren’t invited. She just admitted to me that she was uncomfortable that weekend, especially with the aunt, who has a long history of being difficult to be around. I reassured her that except for her grandmother’s funeral, she never has to see them again.
There’s no way you want to leave up to chance not enjoying what’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives, and invite someone who would not share the joy with you, or in fact could make your FH miserable.
Post # 13
Family dynamics are so hard. If he genuinely doesn’t want to invite his brothers, I wouldn’t make him. I highly doubt that’s a decision he would make lightly, especially if he has said he wishes he could talk to them. I had a huge falling out with my brother years ago and we didn’t speak, but I still would have invited him to my wedding. It would take a LOT for me to change my mind on that, and I would imagine the same is the case with your FI. Let him do what makes him most comfortable there.
His moms boyfriend however, he can’t tell her not to bring him. That’s just too hurtful.
Post # 14
i’m torn on this. Usually I say “his family, his decision”, but your fiance’s attitude (at least on mother’s bf) is so wrong I think you’ve got to argue him around.
You should tell him that mother’s bf is invited and that’s not negotiable. If his mother can move on from his father’s death, why can’t he? Not inviting the bf is terribly disrespectful to his mother.
For the brothers, I think you’ve got to trust your FI’s judgement though.