(Closed) Invitation Etiquette

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The rule is, the name on the envelope is who is invited.  It is a little strange that would only invite your SO (since most people let their guests bring a guest), but possibly they are over budget and trying to trim their guest list as much as possible?

Post # 4
Member
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

You’re not invited if it doesn’t have your name or “and guest.” It’s pretty normal to not invite SO’s if they aren’t engaged or married, just to keep the budget and guest list down, because it all adds up pretty quickly. It sounds like you don’t even care if you go, your bf is the one who wants you there.

Personally, I wouldn’t even ask and just not go. It’s stressful for people to try to keep the guest list down, and I wouldn’t want to put any more stress on the bride and groom.

Post # 5
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was told by my BF’s friend last summer, totally out of the blue and a year before the wedding, that I would not be invited to their wedding because at that time we were neither engaged nor living together, even though at that point we were together four years, which was longer than the couple getting married! I understand not having everyone have a plus one, and I guess the engaged and/or living together is a fine cut off, but realisitically I think that rule needs to be amended for some people these days!

Post # 6
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It sounds like you aren’t invited, sorry. You’re right, if your Fiance was invited with a guest it would have been listed on the inner envelop.

 FI and I went by the “married and engaged” rule (except for 2 bridemaids that are flying from NYC to south GA) We didn’t look to see how long people were together, only whether or not they fit the criteria –

View original reply
@EJeets10: I don’t think it really matters the length of time a couple has been together if they don’t meet set criteria. Since you think an exception should be made for couple that have been dating a while, what length of time would meet your criteria

Post # 7
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

@sgregory: By “dating for two years”, do you mean living together? If so I believe — since traditional etiquette did not conceive of “unmarried but living together” as a possible category for the sort of people who get formal invitations to things — you should be treated as a de-facto spouse and included by your own name on the same invitation as your future husband. (I am trusting that none of us would treat an unmarried cohabiting couple in the way traditional etiquette actually suggests treating them!)

If not, then there is just a possibility, since you have socialized with this couple before, that the hostess is actually following traditional etiquette, and sent you your own invitation to your own address. The post can have a variance of almost two weeks for letters mailed to similar addresses on the same day — is it possible that yours is still in the system?

If it *is* possible that your invitation was lost in the mail, your boyfriend can take his friend aside and say “Hey Bud, did you guys mail an invitation for Sgreg? Like, no pressure, man, but just in case you did you should know its held up in the mail and that’s the only reason she hasn’t R.s.v.p’d yet”. If it is not possible, and your boyfriend is firm in his opinion that the two of you should be treated as a couple, then the only correct thing for him to do is to politely decline. In his shoes, I would make the point very clearly, by tossing out the pre-printed R.s.v.p. card and writing a correct formal note to the effect that

“Mr Boyfriendregrets to decline the kind invitation ofMs Frienddue to a prior commitment,”

the prior commitment being his commitment to you. If his friend asks him for details, then and only then does he say “oh, I was planning on spending time with Sgregory: the two of us are in a committed relationship, you know.” That gives the couple the option of extending you an invitation, without your boyfriend’s being so pushy as to ask for one.

Post # 9
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@misskoala I don’t know, these things are just so difficult to fit into any one formula! Personally, I would not want people at my wedding that are just totally random plus-ones that I will never see again, so I never understand why people who aren’t dating anyone ever expect an invite with a guest. 

But at least where I am from, most people get a plus-one when they have been seriously dating for about a year. I am not totally comfortable with this number, but think a two-year mark would be what I would choose for my wedding.

I would think that even if a couple weren’t living together/engaged/married and had been seriously dating for five years by the time of a wedding, that would warrant an invite. Not at all for me as the plus-one, but I know it would be weirder for the BF to go to an event alone after five years of attending all other weddings/holidays/family events together. Every wedding will always be different. But in the end, what I was most surprised about was that this person just blurted it out to me! Things have changed now on the living together part so I was officially invited to the wedding, but I guess he was just trying to clear it all up well in advance so as to avoid a flood of questions once the formal invites went out!

Post # 10
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I would wonder about that and maybe there’s some leeway.  I think it’s not cool for people to just presume they can bring guests.  But as an example, DH’s best female friend had been seeing someone for six months, we had met him before, and since our wedding was five hours away, she was hoping to bring him.  She asked DH (via text, nonconfrontational and gave us time to respond), and he responded with the preapproved message from me:  “things are tight right now, but once we start getting RSVPs back, if it looks like it’s doable, we’ll let you know.” 

She wasn’t blackmailing us and was excited to come regardless, but we understood where she came from and weren’t upset she asked.  Then a couple bridal party members declined to bring dates, another friend’s live-in boyfriend couldn’t come, and we realized we were down three people that we thought were definitely coming.  So I gave him the go-ahead to call her and give her the okay.

Maybe it won’t work out that way, but I think as long as it’s nonconfrontational, they’re close friends, you’re a serious girlfriend, and there’s plenty of time until the wedding to work out details, that it’s not actually horrible to ask.

Just my opinion.

Post # 11
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@sgregory: Holy crap you two have hung out with them and it’s even a question! I would think that you ARE meant to be there. The etiquette rule is when sending to a guy who isn’t married you always include a +1 at least. And since they know you two pretty well, it should have been addressed to both of you! Your boyfriend should call and ask since your bf is your main connection to this rude couple. If the groom to be says you’re not invited, you know what? Neither of you should go to this wedding. It’s probably that the bride and groom are completely ignorant of etiquette ( I hope this is why!)

Post # 12
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

For the most part, I think you’re not invited so why make it more awkward for you and them?  I would not leave the interpretation up to the groom and your BF, because to be honest, our wonderful men often get the stories confused.  I can see the situation going down like this:

BF:  Hey man, i can bring sgregory with me to ur wedding, right?
Groom: huh, wha? um, sure, I guess
Bride: (after seeing your unplanned +1 on the RSVP card)  OMG! I CAN’T BELIEVE….. (and then she has a bridezilla moment and so on and so forth.)

the only way i see this not getting messy, is if your bf asks in a noncommittal, nonconfrontational manner.  ie. “hey man.  I know weddings are expensive and all.  just wanted to check, do i get a guest or is the list pretty tight?”  that gives the groom a little leeway to be able to say yes or no without feeling like a jerk in saying no.  believe me, it’s really hard to tell somone they aren’t invited

Post # 13
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

View original reply
@angeebride: I agree with this. It probably means you’re not invited.. but you never know!

Post # 14
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This happened to me last year. My boyfriend (now fiance), with whom I’d been living for over 3 years recived a weeding invitation addressed solely to him. The bride wasn’t the most etiquette-savvy, so he simply called his friend and asked if the invitation was just for him or the both of us. The groom said that we weren’t the only ones confused and that of course I was invited too. Simple!

Maybe he should just call his friend and ask.

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