Post # 1
I would like some general feedback please! My family sent our wedding invitations out about two weeks ago. We have been steadily getting RSVPs back each day. Mostly acceptances, a few regrets. Our initial guest list was made with the rule of thumb in mind that 10-20% of guests would not come. This would be perfectly accurate, except that we are seeing something we didn’t expect–when people can’t make it, they simply substitute someone else that was never invited! OR, people are just simply adding guests to the RSVP cards that were not invited. We worked hard to make the invitations very clear, without being rude. The outer AND inner envelopes were addressed to specific people and our RSVP cards were sent with only the amount of lines for each person that was invited to write their RSVP on.
Anyone else having similar issues? What are you doing about it? I already let one slide, but it’s become pretty obvious to me that I can’t keep doing that or we’re going to end up with a bunch of random people at the wedding AND we’re going to be over on our guest count! I’m thinking of just calling people (or delegating this duty) and nicely explaining that we cannot except their subsitutions and add-ons.
Post # 3
@MrsTrigger: Hugs! It is annoying. I have to the conclusion that those who “substitute” are trying to make sure you do not loose a plate and loose the money with it. It is a nice guester on their end, but not if you have a B list.
As far as those who are adding people, that is rude.
In either case, just call those offenders and gently explain that you have a set guest list and the invite was only meant for them. You are sorry for any confusion blah blah blah but only so-and-so are going to be added to the seating chart.
Post # 4
NO, they can not add guests nor can they substitute unless you put “and guest”. If you put a specific person’s name, then that is exactly who is invited. I’d also say someone in your family needs to call and explain the situation to the offenders. It’s sad b/c it puts you in an awkward situation. People are just so stupid.
Post # 5
Ugh, I have no advice other than I’m dreading this.
Post # 6
@MrsTrigger: I would have someone call and let them know. However, you may want to wait until you see how many you really end up with.
Post # 7
@mwitter80: Waiting to see how many we actually get was my first inclination. I thought that if we ended up “under” our number, it would be no big deal. Problem is that these people sent their RSVP back pretty quickly and it’s another 3 weeks until the RSVPs are all due. So I feel like if I wait until then to call and tell them “no,” they will be offended that I didn’t call earlier. They might even claim they’ve already made travel arrangements, etc. (which maybe they did). So, I decided to call and tell them “no add-ons or substitutions”, but if we ended up with room I’d let them know.
@LuvMySailor: Thank you for the hugs! I see your point that maybe they think the plate is already paid for, but you’d think they’d at least ask permission first, you know? Most people don’t pay the caterer until the final head count comes in, so I’m not losing any money if someone tells me well in advance they aren’t coming. I’d be appreciative of a last-minute sub if someone came down with the flu the day before or something, but this is a month and a half in advance 😛
Post # 8
yeah my Fiance had one set of family of 4 who was his uncle, aunt, and two cousins invited—however, instead they said their uncle is not coming and replaced it him with one of the cousins boyfriends….who we arent even sure how serious they are…now he might end up being a random guy in some of our family photos…we just let it slide so far..
Oh and i had a friend who is single end up RSVPing online but ended up putting a “TBD” as a plus one when we did not give him a plus one….i ended up just telling him I only invited you…so you cannot bring someone especially when you dont even have a specific person or name in mind!
Post # 9
This has happened to many couples- just do a search here on wedding Bee.
I would suggest you phone the person who was invited (and added extra people)and tell them now that you will not likely be able to accomodate their extra perople. Tell them that you will contact them should numbers allow you to extend any further invitations at the last minute.
If you wait until all the RSVP’s are in , you are making way too much last minute work for yourselves, plus these people will be thinking they are attending and making plans and preparations.
Post # 10
I know. We got some of this too. We just let it slide, but if more people did it, I would definitely be bothered by it. One rsvp even asked us to leave the placecards vague because they might have someone else in their family (kid or cousin or whoever) come instead of them. Instead! Not as a guest. We don’t know those people. lol
Post # 11
Adding people?? That is rude. If you have specific names written on the envelope, you think that people would know that those are the people that are invited….
We invited my aunt who is in her 80’s (my uncle passed away years ago) and she called to ask if her daughter could bring her. Her daughter is actually my cousin by marriage and we don’t really have much contact with her so she was not invited. So my aunt did call to see if it was okay to have her bring her.
Post # 12
You can’t add people. Period. It was awkward, but we had to call some people and tell them they couldn’t add on guests. That’s just totally rude.
Post # 13
I know how you feel! One DH’s cousins sent back a response for 7 when only 2 were invited. I called her and explained that we didn’t have room for 5 extra guests. She was understanding, but it was very awkward.
I wish there was a way to get a Public Service Announcement out that explains that wedding invitations are not open invitations!
Post # 14
Our invites went out less than a week ago and I’ve already had 2 people who were not invited with guest call and put me on the spot and ask about bringing a guest. Oy. If all the no’s we are counting on don’t actually come in as no’s we are screwed. One is my cousin who will be traveling across country so I feel bad saying no since he will be spending a lot of money to come to my wedding and I’d like him to be there, but he has only been dating his “girlfriend” for 5 seconds (although he claims she’s his world, talk about getting attached quickly!). I’m in the terrible position of hoping people say no….so I totally feel your pain.
Post # 15
This definitely happened to us. Our RSVP cards said, “We have reserved ___ seats in your honor”, and we filled in the blank before sending. I also very specifically addressed both envelopes, including the names of those invited. We had more than one come back with our number crossed out and a new number written in, and the added name on the line. WHAT? Since when do people think this is ok? What made me the most frustrated was that people didn’t even call us, or ask our parents or ANYTHING. You couldn’t call to say, “Gee, so-and-so would really love to come, is there extra room?”. UGH.
Unfortunately, we’ve just let it slide, since it was only a couple of added people, and we had 13 (out of 123 invited guests) reply ‘no’, so we’re still under our original number. My suggestion, if you cannot accommodate them, is to call and politely say, “We carefully created our guest list with the knowledge that we could only invite our closest family and friends, and unfortunately there is no extra room.” They may be upset, but remember, it was NOT you who originally made the ettiquette faux pas.
Lastly, some advice from my mom, that she reminds me of often: “You will NEVER make it through planning a wedding without hurting someone’s feelings, so stay true to yourself, and create the day you want.”