Invitation to shower, but not wedding

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
638 posts
Busy bee

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prettydetails :  A surprise shower isn’t gift grabby on the bride’s part and it’s likely the host is unaware that this is poor etiquette or just wants a way for the bride to celebrate with all her female family members.  I would bring a gift on the lower end of my typical shower gift budget and attend if you get along well with this cousin.  

The host nor bride appear to have poor intentions based on what you’ve shared so I would give them the benefit of the doubt.  

Post # 17
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I would go. Some people are clueless on wedding etiquette (myself included). Personally, I see nothing wrong with them inviting you to a wedding shower. Yes, they are having a small wedding but I’m sure they are trying their best to include those they couldn’t invite to the wedding. It’s not gift grabby on the bride’s part as she has no clue. I would still bring a modest gift along to show your appreciation of the new couple. 

Unless you truly don’t want to go….. In that case, I’m all for staying home and being a hermit on the weekends smile

Post # 18
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee

If i was available and wanted to go then I would. hoenstly, i wouldn’t want to go to partners cousins anything in anyways but he is not close with them so I can’t identify. Sounds like you want to go, but feel lime you have to decline out of principle?

Post # 19
Member
3400 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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htuck0519 :  an invitation to an event that is centered around gifting is NOT “including those they couldn’t invite to the wedding”. It’s not an honor to be invited to a shower. It’s not a “fun” party – let’s face it, most showers are parties people attend out of obligation. Getting and invite to a shower but not the wedding is gift grabby, period. If showers were present-optional affairs, then it could maybe be considered inclusive. I have no issue with this if it were a wedding brunch, or engagement party – those are parties where gifts aren’t expected, and the focus is just about celebrating the couple. But a shower is literally a BRING ME A PRESENT party. 

Post # 20
Member
11434 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would go if you like these people.

Yes, is against etiquette but it’s not the bride who’s doing that and as PPs have said, lots of people don’t know etiquette and actually think this is the right thing to do because everyone is included. Intentions matter to me. 

Post # 21
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

Don’t go and no gift!! Makes no sense to reward this kind of behaviour in any way!

Post # 22
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

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prettydetails :  You know the individual person best and the situation. Honestly, if the bride & groom decided to have a teeny wedding in the forest somewhere with their immediate family only, then I wouldn’t be offended to be invited to a surprise shower hosted by someone else. Especially if the bride and groom are having a tiny wedding because it’s too expensive to invite everyone. I would go and bring a small gift. 

If half the ladies at the shower are going to be like, “oh! the wedding is going to be SO much fun! I can’t wait!” then I would feel kind of out of place and uncomfortable. 

Like others already said, I think its bad manners to invite all these people to the shower, but it’s not the bride who is being rude. You can still celebrate her happiness, if you want to 🙂

 

Post # 23
Member
47286 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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tomkitty :  Did the host of the shower consult you in regard to the guest list? If so, you can relax as you know they will receive their wedding invitation when it is time.

If the host didn’t ask your input for the guest list, you still have time to ensure that everyone invited to the shower is invited to the wedding.

No problem.

Post # 26
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee

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prettydetails :  Having plans already is a good excuse, but if I was in your position, I wouldn’t go anyway.  I think the only time it is acceptable to have a shower where the same guests aren’t invited to the wedding is if coworkers throw you a shower.  I don’t care that it’s a surprise for the bride; the person throwing her the shower should know who is and isn’t invited to the actual wedding.  I’d probably just send a congratulations card to the couple once they’re married.

Post # 27
Member
9583 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Lol no. 

Post # 28
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
catskillsinjune :  I’m simply posting a reason as to why the relative might invite someone to the shower who isn’t invited to the wedding. I don’t see a reason as to why she shouldn’t go unless she truly just doesn’t want to. Would I go? It depends on how well I knew the person.

Would I have a wedding shower? No. I’m having a super small destination wedding and plan on having a reception when we come back home but don’t plan on having a shower. But in this case, the bride has no idea. If I knew her well enough (and liked her), I’d go and take a small gift. 

Post # 29
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

If you are 100% sure you are not invited to the wedding, then I recommend not attending the shower. That was rude of the host, she should have asked the bride for the wedding guest list, surprise or not there are ways the host could have found out who she should invite.

Post # 30
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

There is no reason to attend a shower for someone who is not inviting you to the wedding.  It is not appropriate to send a shower invite to guest who are not invited to the wedding under any circumstance other than work.  I am sure the host had good intentions, but why is the host not close enough to the bride to know that she is having a SMALL wedding.  Unforturnately, I would pass on this if I knew I wasn’t invited to the wedding.  Unless you regularly hang out with your SO’s cousin’s fiance, I wouldn’t worry about this.  I would encourage him to reach out to his cousin instead.  Perhaps whoever is hosting the shower doesn’t understand the groom’s family tree?

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