Post # 1
My brother is getting married in a 6 weeks or so. I am not a part of his wedding in any way (I know that it shouldn’t be but I was rather hurt considering we are a year apart in age and his own sibling, but I will get over it).
But, this is the part I can’t seem to get over: I asked my brother and his fiancee a couple of nights ago as to whether I was getting an invitation. They said no because I am immediate family and I shouldn’t need one. I then asked if my boyfriend was invited (I was expecting that he would get an invite or mine would say +1). I was told in no uncertain terms that the wedding is small and they are only inviting married couples. I am 33 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We haven’t married yet because we haven’t had the finances to do so (both of us were in school for a very long time). We plan on getting married early next year. I don’t want to go to my brother’s wedding. I realize it’s “their day” but I am their family and my boyfriend will soon by family. I feel like this will cause a rift between us for a very long time. I know it’s petty but I will not include my SIL in any invitation to my wedding if they do this. It’s not like I don’t like my fiancee or they don’t like my bf, they just say it’s their wedding and they get to pick.
I feel hurt and upset and I know it will hurt my mother if I don’t go and I don’t want to do that. Do I go, without my boyfriend, and suck it up? I feel like they don’t even want me there if they aren’t going to bother giving me an invite.
Post # 3
I would decline the (non) invitation. I’d be hurt if my FI’s family didn’t recognize our relationship and didn’t invite me to events and he still chose to go without me. I would tell your brother that you really want to bring him and if he can’t go, you’re going to have to decline. I’d be nice about it but very straightforward.
And when it’s your wedding time, you graciously invite your brother and his wife and show them what good manners are through example.
Post # 4
Wow. I am sorry to hear about the family situation.
They definitely are in the wrong for not inviting your boyfriend but if you are able to go I think you should (maybe you could just go to the ceremony and not to the reception).
I do think it is weird that they aren’t giving you an invite. Maybe they are doing it to save money but it definitely is not following etiquette. If anything, family members (close ones) are more likely to treasure it as a keepsake I would think.
If you are capable for your wedding financially, I wouldn’t try to get your brother back for this later on. You would just be doing it out of spite. It should be a happy day for you do what you are capable of and don’t try to be spiteful or hold grudges. I truly think you will feel better down the road if you do the right thing. 🙂
Post # 5
I wouldn’t go. It would be different if you had just been dating this guy for a short time but 10 years. Come on now, that’s just rude of them. Your brother shouldn’t allow that if he feels differently.
Post # 6
My brother and his wife did not send me an invite either. To me it was not a big deal at all, I did not feel hurt or even think about it. Their wedding was also small and not too formal. I did ask him though if my boyfriend (now Fiance, similar case as yours) was invited and he said of course, it was rude to not invite someone’s partner. I definitely believe that. It doesn’t matter if you had been dating 10 years or 10 months, as a couple you deserve to be treated as a unit.
Post # 7
Thanks. I’m just so unbelievably hurt and upset. I feel that I have lost my brother and Future Sister-In-Law in any event; either by my not showing up for the wedding or by their not inviting my boyfriend. We have waited to start planning our wedding out of respect for my brother so he could have his special time and I feel that they are being rude and hurtful to me and my boyfriend.
Post # 8
agree, If FI’s family didnt see me as part of their family i would be very upset if he went. But i do think you should invite them both to yours.
i am a little confused you say BF but say your getting married?
Post # 9
Whilei dont think it’s a big deal that they aren’t giving you a formal invite – as long as they aren’t for the rest of the immediate family – it’s totally rude not to invite your SO of ten years. I would tell them ow rude you think it is and that you are hurt by it, he’s your brother after all and one more head at the table will not break them. if they still say no I’m not sure what to do. You could not go, but be prepared to get a lot of flack for it and for your family most likely to have a very negative reaction.
Post # 10
Out of love for my mother, i would got to my brother’s wedding without the BF. But out of love for my BF, do I not go to my brother’s wedding?
Yes, BF – since we are in our 30’s, and it’s been 10 years, we plan on not having a long engagement. We plan on getting married early next year, on a date that is special to us, and were going to tell the family after my brother’s wedding (I didn’t want to take away from his own engagement – she is the type that engagements and flashing the ring around are important ). I don’t call him my fiance because, technically he isn’t. We have an engagement ring picked out and we will be officially “engaged” in September after my brother’s wedding.
Post # 11
seems like you have really put yourself out for your brother yet he cant even extend your (non) invitation to your BF of ten years. it seems off to me. Id maybe try to just talk to brother without SIL and see what he says?
Post # 12
10 years? You’re basically married, and according to the law, you are “Common-Law” wife and husband! I would tell them that.
Post # 13
I just wanted to say that this makes me really sad and I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Your bro is definitely in the wrong, if anything, family members deserve invitations more than all the other guests because as a previous poster said, they’re keepsake items.
Have you expressed any of these feelings to them? I doubt they would understand, but maybe you would feel a little better?
Post # 14
agreed! Good thing to point out.
Post # 15
Yes, I tried. Sigh. Unfortunately, his fiancee won
t let him go anywhere without her. I actually only got his phone number a couple of months ago. They were living abroad and his fiancee wouldn
t give me his phone number (or their address). We now live in the same town. My brother is lovely but non-confrontational to the point of laziness. He just removes himself from the situation.
My mother has told him they are being ridiculous and she is not happy but my brother stands by the it
s their day and they can invite whomever they wish. My mother really wants me to go to be there for her (she is a widow and has never remarried). She is being given no part in any of the wedding (she asked to host a reception but was turned down as unnecessary, she offered to host a bridal shower because the brides family live oversears and again was told that wasn`t necessary). I really want to support my mom but I have a hard time looking at my brother and future sister-in-law in the face.
Post # 16
I honestly wouldn’t care if my brothers send me an invite in the mail or not. But that just me.
They completely wrong and they should extend you a plus one for your boyfriend/Fi if he hasn’t propsoed yet. After ten years your borther has to know him! And I think that qualifiys as a serious relationship. I also wouldn’t deal with the bride and speak to your brother about this.
Having said that some your comments are giving me pause. Indicating that you are losing your brother and ending your relationship over this isn’t worth it. I wouldn’t amp things up and turn this into a huge deal that is relationship ending.
If you feel strongly about your parnter being disrespected as he is, then tell your brother you wouldn’t feel right atteneding, or perhaps attending the ceremony andd leave after. Either way I wouldn’t close the line of communication or go in the frame of mind that you losing your brother and your relationship is ending. Good Luck