Post # 1
So… FI has some drama on his mother’s side of the family. His mother does not speak to a lot of the members of that side due to it. However, FI still wanted to invite most of them to the wedding since “They never did anything to me.”
So… we have tried contacting his cousin 3 times now. We emailed her. We each facebook messaged her. Now, we can see on facebook that she has seen the messages (usually same day we sent them) but she never replies. We took this as a hint that she’s passing on the invitation. This wouldn’t be totally shocking because of the family drama. So now FI doesn’t want to invite her anyways.
FSIL texted me today and says that it’s not good etiquette on our part if we do not invite her. So we are supposed to harass the woman until we can get an address out of her? We’ve asked around, no one knows her address. FSIL says she is still in contact with her and could ask her. BUT now FI is saying he does not want to invite her, she had her chance to show interest and did not.
What do you think, bees?
Post # 3
@Jw1724: I think the ball is in her court. You have done more than enough to try and contact her and let her know you want to invite her. I wouldn’t keep asking if I were you.
I wouldn’t listen to FSIL. I would say the bad etiquette would be on the part of the cousin, who is basically ignoring you – the classy thing for her to do would be to give her address, then RSVP no if she didn’t feel comfortable going to your wedding, or for some other reasion.
Post # 4
@emstar168: This is how I’m feeling as well. I’m disappointed she didn’t reply with SOMETHING. Even a “I’m not totally comfortable with the situation” would have been fine with us!
Post # 5
@Jw1724: I wouldn’t waste an invitation on the cousin. It would be nice if she could just tell you “going to your wedding would make me uncomfortable because of the family drama. I’ll be thinking of you that day!” but she seems to be too immature to acknowledge you. You did what you could.
Post # 6
@DuckEBee: I’m glad others are on the same page as us. I’m not sure why FSIL is pushing so much for us to invite her.
Post # 7
I would send one more email and say to her”We are sorry you have chosen not to respond to our previous attempts to make contact. We wanted to ask for your address so we could send you an invitation to our wedding. We will miss you.”
Post # 8
@julies1949: She knows it was for the wedding. Our messages were something like… “Hi Cousin, we are so sorry we do not get to talk much but we were hoping to get your address so we could invite you to our wedding. We think it would be a great time for everyone to catch up and would love to see you if you could make it.”
Post # 9
I wouldn’t bother with her at this point. Her actively ignoring you is all the response you need.
Post # 10
@Jw1724: screw etitquette. you have reached out through multiple mediums and have gotten no response, as far as Im concerned its a waste of time. its not FSIL’s wedding, I mean sure in an ideal land she would be invited but its no use in breaking your back to track down one person who is clearly dodging you. you have other things to be concerned about.
now if FSIL does secure the address then sending her one (if it was already budgeted for) is perfectly fine if you would like, but as far as you yourself trying to find out her address, I say “Fuhgeddaboutit” *Donnie Brasco voice
Post # 11
@Jw1724: I voted no, but I’ve changed my mind and I think you should ask FSIL to get her address. Here’s why:
If you’re not facebook friends with her, she probably hasn’t seen the PMs. With default settings, messages from non-friends go into a special folder (I think called “Other”) and she won’t be notified. Combine that with the fact that the email address might be out of date, or she saw one email and forgot to reply, then her not replying is not so bad. (Anyone can forget to reply to a single email).
Post # 12
We asked my husband’s cousin for her address 3-4 times and she kept giving us the run-around. We didnt invite her. She obviously didnt want to be invited. To this day she has never said anything and we are both friends with her on Facebook. Oh well. I wouldnt chase anyone down to invite them to my wedding but that’s just me.
Post # 13
The person ignoring you is being rude. Don’t waste any more of your precious time!
Post # 14
Agree with @julies1949, that is a good way to close the loop on future correspondene but letting her know you are extending the olive branch.
My parents had a falling out with my aunt but I invited her and my cousins (her grown daughters with families) to my shower and the wedding. They were late in replying to the shower and did not come, but I just got an RSVP to the wedding saying my aunt and her husband are coming.
So, do not give up hope if you really want them there. If it’s not that important or you aren’t that close, let it go. I just saw it as us not inviting them was making a definitive statement that we are not going to continue our relationship and I didn’t want that because of the issue she is having with my parents.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
@paula1248: I’m going to agree with this. Give them the benefit of the doubt (even if you feel you already have) and take the high road.
Then you can feel comfortable knowing you did literally everything you could.
Post # 16
@Jw1724: Bitch don’t want your invite don’t give it to her 😉
If you feel compelled to placate FSIL, I would send another Facebook message along the lines of “We’re sorry you chose not to respond and we will take this as a decline on our invitation. Love, Jw1724.”
When Im getting curt with someone I keep it pretty formal, it leaves no room for hurt feelings or wiggle room – especially if there is family drama.
@paula1248: Facebook shows you when someone views your message though, and OP did say “Now, we can see on facebook that she has seen the messages (usually same day we sent them)”, that’s because you get a little note that says “Seen at 4.52pm”. So, she’s looked at both of these messages and chosen not to respond. I think two obviously seen messages and a possibly missed email is plenty. Id feel like I was starting to harass the woman haha.