Post # 1
Here’s some back-story: before we began dating, my fiance had a close friend “Jane” for several years before transitioning their relationship into a “friends with benefits” situation. For about 6 months on the weekends, only after a few drinks, they would hook up…each of them were also sleeping with other people at the time. It ended when she decided she wanted to date one guy, and my fiance realized that he actually was falling in love with her and was very hurt. This all took place about 7 months before we started dating. 8 months into our relationship, he had never told me there had ever been anything more than friendship going on between him and “Jane,” though he often brought her up and was surprisingly viciously critical of her boyfriend (which honestly made me a bit uneasy because they were pretty shallow criticisms). “Jane” came back for a visit and a football game, and he wanted me to meet his old friend. I was excited at first – she sounded like a great girl and one of his closest friends and I had yet to meet her. I became nervous when I realized just how excited he was when he got very emotional and a little choked up about seeing her again and then when he really pressured me to dress extra sexy for the football game we were all going to. He never has an opinion about what I wear, just usually gives me sweet compliments…this time he begged me to wear this scandalous dress I usually reserve for costume parties. Then, he told me she had also sent him a message through Facebook about how sorry she was she had ruined things between them and how excited she was to see him again. I was confused…and stupid – I should have addressed everything then and there, but to conclude, I was barely introduced to “Jane”(but he did make sure to introduce me as his “hot” girl friend…I assumed he was trying to prove something and that’s what I was dressed up so strangely for a football game), I was completely left out while they caught up, and the night ended in me being quite teary (luckily in private) and asking to go home. The next day we really did a lot of healthy talking, he told me about how hurt he had been when she ended things with him, about how he was sorry he let those hurt feelings come back and occupy his mind so much that he ended up alienating me, and he reassured me that he really wanted to be with me, that he was no longer interested in her and that they had really grown apart and weren’t close friends anymore either. I felt SO much better, but I wasn’t especially thrilled about “Jane” anymore. Without my input, he blocked her on Facebook (and unfriended her close friends that he wasn’t really friends with in “real life”) and cut off all communication with her. I felt/feel guilty now that I was so instrumental in preventing their friendship from starting again (she honestly was a good, supportive friend before they started a more intimate relationship)…but I also felt/feel relief because the whole situation had made me feel so disconnected from my boyfriend. Fast forward a very happy year later, and we’re engaged! Now here’s the issue: my fiance is inviting many old friends from college (as am I) and he mentioned that he was sad his and “Jane’s” friendship hadn’t been mended and that she would probably feel very hurt when all of their mutual friends received invites. I know he didn’t mean to make me…but I feel quilty again. Also, my fiance’s mother (who knows nothing of my fiance’s and “Jane’s” sexual relationship) was asking if “Jane” would be invited and saying that she was so excited to see her again…awkward! It’s been a good two years (a long time!) since they had any type of relationship. My fiance and I have a great, supportive, trusting relationship and having his old friend that became a fling at the wedding won’t devastate me…but I’m certainly not excited about the thought. I’ve only met her the one time, and she didn’t exactly charm her way into my heart. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if I never saw or heard of her again. What would you do? Should I tell my boyfriend he can make the call and invite her if he thinks she should be there? Or the next time we look our guest list should I request she not be invited still?
Post # 3
@CO_Babe: I don’t’ think exes of any sort belong at a wedding or actually in the lives of their past love interests that have moved on to committed relationships.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your Fiance did the right thing distancing himself from this relationship and I don’t see anything positive about opening a can of worms for your wedding.
Post # 4
I have a firm “No people you have sex with are your friends” rule. TO quote say anything “Everything has changed, Lloyd, you’ve had sex. You could be seventy years old, walking down the street, talking about whatever, but what you’ll really be thinking is, “We Had Sex.”
Post # 4
How will you feel if you see her at the wedding? If you’d feel any kind of upset or have bad feelings come back, please don’t invite her. And please tell your Fiance that while you understand that mutual friends are invited, you don’t want to have to remember any of those bad feelings on your wedding day.
Post # 5
I completely agree with the pp. Your Fiance obviously saw the need to distance himself from Jane because of his feelings and I wouldn’t want any part of his mind on Jane at the wedding by her being there. Ex’s are exs for a reason and when you start a new, exclusive relationship that distance should be respected. I think your Fiance needs to leave the past in the past regardless of mutual friends he and Jane have. She is still an ex that he had an intimate relationship with and should not be present at your wedding. If Jane is as good of a friend as he thinks she is I would hope she would automatically understand that.
Post # 6
I don’t think she should be invited just because of the way your Fiance acted/had you act when he first wanted to introduce you to her. And they’re not really friends right now, so that’s another reason why I don’t think she should be invited. If he wants to mend their friendship and you’re okay with that, then it shouldn’t be at your wedding, IMO.
That being said, I don’t think there should be a blanket rule about not inviting exes to wedding. My ex (my first love actually) will be my Man of Honor when I get married. We were friends before we started dating back in high school, had an amicable break up, haven’t had any type of physical relationship since we broke up, and we broke up almost 10 years ago. Safe to say we’re just friends. haha.
Post # 7
Absolutely NOT!!! Not only would not allow this, but he better not even mention her name.. ever again, after that night!!! THE END.. !!!
Post # 8
Except for really, really special circumstances, I don’t think exes belong at a wedding. I think you’re absolutely right in not wanting her there, and I would talk to your fiance about how you feel.
I also completely agree with Boston Bee, who said that if you’re OK with him mending his relationship with her, tell him he’s free to do that. But your wedding is absolutely not the time or place for that. It’s about YOU and HIM, and it’s a special day celebrating your love. In no way should it be about him and her.
Post # 9
@CO_Babe: Thank you so much everyone! Your comments have really reassured me. I am just so happy to get married to this guy. Thank you for such quick, supportive replies! xoxo 🙂
Post # 10
She absolutely should NOT be at your wedding. I’m horrified just thinking about it – and I don’t even know you! 🙂
Post # 11
I agree with other bees here. NO GOOD can come of having this chicka in your life. Don’t feel bad about putting your foot down on this at all. I have the mindset that ex’s in no way belong at a wedding or in your new lives together. They are ancient history and should be given no thought to. 🙁
Post # 13
I agree with PP’s. It would be different if your Fiance hadn’t acted so strangely before meeting up with Jane again, and then going to all those lengths to remove her from his life. He did that for a reason; he probably wasn’t completely over her/the hurt, but wanted to be and wants to be with you.
If my Fiance acted this way, I would ask him not to invite her. If he hadn’t acted that way, then I wouldn’t have seen the big deal in inviting her. But, it makes you feel uncomfortable and that should be the last thought on your mind (My FI’s ex is here…eek!) on your wedding day.
Side note: You sound like a sweet, loving, level-headed person. I applaud you for handling the situation so gently and open-mindedly.
Post # 14
@CO_Babe: umm it all depends on how you feel, you don’t seem to feel very thrilled with the idea so why push it? It would be different if your fiance wanted to invite her but you just seem to feel a little guilty for not wanting her there-even though it’s totally understandable why you wouldn’t
Post # 15
It depends on your own feelings over the matter, rather than what others think to it
My H2B’s ex is coming to our wedding, she’s really nice and is engaged herself, and when we go down to London to see his friends we all hang out, they were together years ago when they were both still living in South Africa, and I can honestly say it doesn’t bother me, I don’t see her as an Ex of his, I see her as a good friend and it’s nice that we can invite her to be part of our day
Post # 16
No way. It shouldn’t even be an option, particularly with as much drama as she has already been.