Post # 1
My mother is petty. I do my best to accept this is how she is and to minimize drama with her. We didn’t get along for many years and now we are at a peaceful point.
That being said, I am not sure how people typically handle invitation wording for the wedding.
My parents are very generously paying for our wedding. Fiance and I are able to afford a honeymoon and hang onto our savings for a house; we greatly appreciate my parents offering to do this. His parents offered to cover the rehearsal.
My mother told me during a recent coversation that his parents names will not be on the invite, as they are not hosting (aka paying for) the wedding. I didn’t even realize that was a thing people did. My friend told me both her parents and her fiance’s parents were named on her invitation… “Mr. and Mrs. so and so request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ________ to _______ son of Mr. and Mrs. so and so.”
Apparently my mother is just putting my parents names request your presence at my wedding to Fiance and no naming of his parents.
Aside from being petty, is this super rude?
Post # 2
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
averyj : For my wedding my fiances parents (still married) are contributing to our wedding as well as an Aunt of his. My dad is contributing to the wedding but not my mom (divorced). On my wedding invite I put:
“Together with our families, we request the honour of your presence at the wedding of Bride Name & Groom Name”
I did it this way as I did not want to single out the fact my mom was unable to contribute, as well as the fact that though both our families are contributing, the majority of the budget is coming from our savings.
Don’t let your mom bully you. Put what you feel is right. Though putting the parents names that are paying for the wedding is traditionally correct, though yes I agree it is a bit petty.
Post # 3
My parent’s paid for our wedding, but I put all parent names on the invites, like your wording.
I think it’s rude not to put their names on. They are his parents.
Can you order the invites yourself?
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
averyj : Traditionally, that is correct.
If both sets of parents are paying, both sets are named.
If both sets of parents AND the B&G are contributing, the line is usually “Together with their parents/families”
The thinking is that the people paying for the wedding are the “hosts” and thus deserve to be mentioned explicitly.
This is one of those things that has – over time – tended not to be strictly adhered to, since supporting the couple is seen as both a financial and emotional experience. Also, as gender norms change, this distinction may matter less.
All that being said, she’s not wrong. I would say that unless it’s something that would REALLY upset the in-laws, I’d let her have this one.
Post # 5
teamroro : I was thinking of letting her have this one, just to minimize the damn drama. Between her and my incredibly entitled and overbearing future Mother-In-Law, I am just over it.
Post # 6
PaperQueen : I ordered to Save-The-Date Cards but she insisted she wants to do the invitations…
Post # 7
Honestly, I don’t think this is petty. Your parents are hosting the wedding and there’s nothing wrong with properly indicating that on the invite.
Post # 8
+1 to teamroro.
I’m all for wedding etiquette when it makes modern sense because they’re, at the end of the day, supposed to be guidelines for keeping you from doing something rude. Putting both sets of parents–irrespective of who might be paying–isn’t rude.
Barring some parental issues on either side, support for the couple doesn’t just come in the form of who’s paying for the wedding. I really like the idea of doing “Together with their families” on the invitation.
Post # 9
Yikes, I like the way your friend worded it best. So nice of them to pay for your wedding but it’s rude to leave out your fiance’s parents altogether and put your just parents names on the invitation. I’m no etiquette expert, just my opinion.
Post # 10
The Bee never ceases to amaze me. Two days ago we had a girl get laid into because she was put off that her FI’s parents weren’t chipping in and everyone was all “tradition doesn’t matter”.
TeamRoro is correct. Whoever is hosting gets named on the invite. Your mom may be a little petty, but she’s not wrong.
Post # 11
averyj : I believe it is a traditional custom to extend the invitation from only those who are hosting the event but it is gracious to be inclusive of the other set of parents even if they are not putting money towards the actual reception. Honestly in my eyes your mother is being rude and ungracious in this situation by insisting on following such a silly custom. Your in-laws are hosting a wedding event in the form of the rehearsal dinner so I don’t understand why she is being so mean spirited by I guess trying to let every one attending that her and your dad are paying for the wedding.
I would personally put my foot down with this one even if it causes a hullabaloo with her. Your mum is putting you in an uncomfortable situation with your inlaws who may take offence at this slight. Every wedding I’ve been to either has the bride and groom hosting or includes both sets of parents even if one set of parents are hosting. My parents paid for our wedding as did they for all my siblings weddings. With all my siblings, none of our I laws contributed to our weddings but my parents would have never ever have been so ungracious as to not put the inlaws names on an invitation. I would so not be a blow over on this bee.
Post # 12
Hosting honors were never meant to be for sale to the highest bidder. An independent couple is ultimately responsible for planning and paying for their own wedding.
That said, just because someone contributes a sum of money does not make them a host. Similarly one can have hosting honors or be involved in planning a wedding, be solicitous of their guests etc. without a monetary contribution.
Names are not always specified, as in “together with their parents” but when they are I do think it’s inconsiderate to make no mention of the groom’s parents at all. Miss Manners makes the valid point that generations ago everyone lived in the same place and it was assumed that by the time of the wedding they knew who the groom’s parents were. That’s no longer the case.
“Son of” is proper, but some people consider a lifetime of support to justify shared honors.
Post # 13
Nobodies name really has to be on the invite if you don’t want.
Post # 14
Usually whoever is paying/hosting gets their names on the invite. She’s not petty, she’s following proper etiquette. Your fiance’s parent’s names can go on the rehearsal dinner invite since they are paying for/hosting that.
Post # 15
If they are hosting the wedding, then yes it should be their names. I’d think it would be petty of your Fis parents to request their names be on the invite when htey are not hosting.