Invite to baby party? Overthinking this?

posted 3 months ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

Oh yikes, that’s touchy.  Have you kept in touch since moving out of state?  Are you likely to see her at various other in-person events again?  Just how far away are you – is it likely she would drive out for a couple hours long party, or would it be more of a wish-you-could-come courtesy invitation?

Post # 3
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee

If youre out of state, are you having the party where you currently live? If so I wouldn’t invite her anyways. 

Post # 5
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

If she weren’t going through all of this, you would definitely invite her, right?  I lean towards thinking you should.  It might be more hurtful to be left out of things (not necessarily this one event, but if it becomes a pattern with various people).  It’s really impossible to know what she would prefer, unfortunately.

Post # 6
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I wouldn’t. It seems like for those going through infertility, these things are hard, even when it’s your sister or BFF. If you don’t think she’d miss the invitation, I’d just skip it. 

Post # 7
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

Will she find out about your baby shower? If so i would invite her because i think that thinking to herself that you didnt invite her to that but you invited her to the wedding would make her realize the reason why and that would probably be more hurtful

Post # 8
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

gwenchilada :  she’s an adult and can decline if she feels uncomfortable. I would invite her and let her decide if she’s up to it emotionally or not.

Post # 9
Member
9706 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It’s an hour away and you are only in infrequent touch with her now. I wouldn’t invite her regardless of what they are going through. 

Post # 10
Member
8196 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It sounds like you really aren’t very close at all, so I wouldn’t invite her because of that alone. 

But I guess if you plan on extending invites to all acquaintances who you check in with now and then by text/FB, then I’d invite her and let her make the decision to come or not herself.

Post # 11
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

As someone who is struggling to conceive (I know it’s not the same as what she’s going through but it still might apply) I would be more hurt to not be invited. Having trouble adopting or conceiving doesn’t mean we want to be shunned from anything having to do with a baby. If she feels like she can’t handle it then she will decline, but if she hears from another mutual friend or social media and she wasn’t invited, that can lead to hurt feelings. 

   To put this in perspective, one of my closest friends found out she was pregnant in November. I was one of the first people she told, and she told me two weeks after she found out. She later confided that she was on the fence about telling me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I’m so glad she told me (even if I went home from dinner and cried about it to my husband). 

Post # 12
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I think you should invite her and let her decide whether or not she wants to attend.

Post # 13
Member
1388 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

I think you should invite them and let them decide what’s best for them. 

Post # 15
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee

As an infertile person I want to share my point of view.

If my friend invited a bunch of people to the shower, and left me out to avoid hurting my feelings, ironically this would hurt me more.

Extend the invitation. Let them decide if they want to attend. 

Don’t assume you know their feelings better than they do.

Seeing pregnancy announcements and getting shower invites is often a kick in the gut. Seeing pregnant woman or couples with strollers sometimes makes me want to get drunk and not leave my home for days. Whether it’s a stranger, a friend, a colleague, a relative; hearing about the happy news of other people SUCKS sometimes.

No matter the fact that it isn’t personal, hearing that somebody else is pregnant feels personal. 

However, just because I can’t concieve doesn’t mean the world stops.

No matter their struggle, they will not be able to avoid child-related things forever. It’s possible the couple is not infertile, they might just wish to adopt and not have biological children, but their adoption efforts have been blocked at every turn, too.

Regardless, you cannot avoid children. Believe me I have tried!

Go to the grocery store? Screaming children in carts. Go for a walk? Parents with strollers. Go to the gynecologist? Posters of pregnant woman. It sucks and it’s everywhere.

I think your friends would be more hurt to be excluded, even if you wanted to exclude them from a place of thoughtfulness, if that makes sense?

You could always call and ask.

“June/Tom, I’m having a baby shower. I’d like for you to attend. But I know you are going through a lot with the adoption and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Would you like an invitation to the shower?”

(I wouldn’t ask “Would you like to come?” because that puts them on the spot.)

If you don’t feel comfortable having that conversation, just send the invite and if they choose to not attend or not send a card, DO NOT take it personally. Your happiness is a reminder of their very great pain.

If you value the friendship, make an effort to stay connected with them and FIND OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT besides your pregnancy or your baby once it arrives. I’m not saying pretend the baby doesn’t exist, but you can be a mother and have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around your child. Childless people appreciate that! There’s lots of conversation topics.

Whatever you do, don’t “bingo” your friends. Don’t offer unsolicited thoughts/opinions/advice on how to concieve or how to adopt. Just SHUT UP and keep all thoughts about it to yourself. If your friends open up about their struggle, all they are looking for is a sympathetic ear. They don’t want or need your advice. Don’t be “that friend”.

Sorry for the rant, this is just a topic that really speaks to me. 

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