(Closed) Invite to shower but not destination wedding for $$$ reasons?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
8867 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@2morrow:  Your financial situation is very similar to everyone else’s — we can’t afford everything we would like. That doesn’t mean the rules change. If you can’t afford to host them at the wedding, you should not invite them to a shower. And since the whole purpose of a shower is gifts, it is silly to say “please come to the shower, but don’t worry about a gift.” It doesn’t make sense.

Post # 4
3112 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@2morrow:  if they’re not invited to the wedding they shouldn’t be invited to a shower. If you want to celebrate with them have a BBQ after your Destination Wedding or something. It would come across very gift grabby to have a shower & not invite them to the wedding. 

Post # 5
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yeah, you can’t invite them to a shower and not the wedding. You can have a reception at home after the Destination Wedding and invite them to that, though.

Post # 6
3277 posts
Sugar bee

Not giving the registry information will not mean people aren’t to bring gifts.  A shower is one of the only parties where bringing a gift is actually a requirement of attending.  If someone can’t or won’t get a gift they should decline and invitation to the shower.

Your situation is not unique.  Everyone has someone else they would like to have been able to invite to the wedding, whether that was the 30th or 2,000th guest.  Who pays for the wedding doesn’t matter.

There is no polite way to tell somoene that you want them at a gift giving party, but that they aren’t good enough to make the final cut to the actual event.

That said, if you truly want to host some guests and celebrate you could certainly treat them to lunch for a bridal luncheon.

Post # 7
6354 posts
Bee Keeper

I would not recommend inviting them to the shower if they will not be invited to the wedding. You actually do not need to have a shower at all, if you prefer, but I would definitely invite anyone you do invite to the shower to the wedding as well. 

Post # 8
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

if they are not invited to the wedding do not invite them to the shower.

Post # 9
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Daisy_Mae:  “Your financial situation is very similar to everyone else’s — we can’t afford  everything we would like. That doesn’t mean the rules change.”

100% agree. The rules of etiquette don’t change when it’s a destination wedding.

Post # 10
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your financial situation does not make it different – if anything, it should mean you’d be more understanding of other’s finances and why it’s super wrong to basically say, “Hey, we can’t afford to spend the extra money to invite you to our wedding, but please come spend money on a present for us anyways!” No way. And if you truly don’t care about gifts, you shouldn’t be having a shower anyways. The shower is a pre-wedding event with the purpose of showering the couple with gifts. I agree with the PP who said to have a BBQ or get-together after the wedding if you want to celebrate with these people.

Post # 12
35 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

We had a destination wedding and an at home reception. Even then I didn’t want a shower because I knew not everyone could be invited to the wedding. I looked at the reception as a an awesome party to celebrate with our friends and family (and wear my dress again!) and asked for no gifts to be brought. In the end my cousin threw an amazing suprise shower and our friends still brought gifts to the reception. But I had no expectaion for either because I made the decision to get married in Disney World!

Post # 13
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think it just says the the shower-invited guest but not wedding-invited guest that “I want you to come to my shower to perhaps give me a gift but you’re not invited to the actual wedding” EVEN if that isn’t what you are saying. I would be very careful how you end up doing this. I would not invite anyone to the shower who isn’t already invited to the wedding.

Who knows, during your shower the guests may start chatting with one another about how excited they are to go to the destination wedding, and I can see that causing some problems.

Post # 14
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you don’t have a registry – it is an ettiquette approved way to say – bring me money.

I agree with all the PP’s, if they aren’t invited to celebrate then they shouldn’t be invited to the shower.

Post # 15
5268 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m having a destination wedding and some of the people coming to my shower are not coming to the destiantion wedding but in our case we are having a wedding ceremony here that they will attend with light refreshments and also a dinner at my house for all my friends who cant attend. I feel if you at least have a bbq or a celebration of some sort here it is then ok to invite them to your shower

Post # 16
6239 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@Daisy_Mae:  +1, this exactly. It’s just one of the things you sacrifice when having a Destination Wedding

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