Post # 1
I was very close with someone in college, and although we lost touch over the past five years, I still invited her and her fiance to my wedding in 2015. She and her fiance were going to be out of town the day of our wedding, but she still sent us a gift. Fast forward to yesterday and I found out through social media that she just had her wedding this weekend. I thought maybe she was keeping the wedding small and could not invite everyone, but based off of pictures it seems like she had about 200 people there and 12 others were invited that I went to college with. Although I get that she probably didn’t invite me because we lost touch, I still can’t help but feel hurt because I invited her to my wedding. Although I know it will take awhile for this hurt to pass, I still want to wish her and her new husband the best. Since she sent me a gift for my wedding, should I send her a gift as well? I don’t want it to be misconstrued as me being passive aggressive for not being invited, but I would like to make a nice gesture for their marriage. This may also be a good way to reconnect. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Post # 2
I would send no more than a congratulatory card w/sincere written message at this time. If she responds, you can ask her to meet up and toast her recent nuptials and catch up.
Post # 3
Wedding invitations aren’t tit-for-tat. You admit that you lost touch — so why would you expect an invitation in the first place? She may have had 200 guests, but she had 200 guests she and her husband maintain a relationship with — not a bunch of people she’s lost touch with or felt obligated to invite because she was invited to their weddings.
Personally, I wouldn’t send a gift. As the receipient, I’d find it strange that I got a gift out of the blue with someone I’ve lost touch with.
Post # 4
Don’t send a gift. That’s super awkward. Maybe a card? Maybe and only if you’ve spoken in the last year or so. I think the friendship has run its course though. A wedding invite in the past doesn’t dictate one in the future.
Post # 5
I agree with JiminyCricket. I was actually in a wedding last year and to be honest if I had only been a guest in that wedding, I wouldn’t plan on inviting her to mine. We have spoken via text once or maybe twice since her wedding day in June 2016.
I only want people at my wedding that I actually talk to on a regular basis, if I never speak to someone now and they haven’t even met my partner I don’t care if I spent every day with them in university, they aren’t part of my life any more and in all likelihood I wouldn’t even have time to say more than two words to them at my wedding so why bother inviting them? I know you mentioned there were a bunch of others from college there, but maybe she has active friendships with all of them still.
When was the last time you hung out? When was the last time you spoke?
Are you sure she was out of town for your wedding?
Post # 6
Sadly I struggled with this too. I didn’t invite someone who had invited me to hers. We just literally stopped talking and didn’t talk for a year…maybe two. Before we talked every day. I went back and forth and decided it would be awkward. Perhaps she did this too? I think a card is the most you should send. If my friend sent me a gift I would feel extremely awkward and guilty. I spent a bit of money on her for hers but I didn’t expect anything back.
If it helps, I still consider her a friend and would meet her for lunch.
Post # 7
Sending a gift, and even a card, will be awkward and likely come off passive aggressive. If you found out via social media, I would say congrats under the pictures etc you are able to see and leave it at that.
Post # 8
Whilst it’s fine to be hurt, just realise that wedding invitations are not tit for tat – just because you invited this woman to your wedding does not mean that she was under any obligation to invite you to hers, particularly if you admit that you have lost touch. I attended a friend’s wedding back in 2011 – since then, we have lost contact and I don’t think I’ve spoken to her in close to 2 years. She didn’t even make the “maybe” list when we were putting together the guestlist for our late 2016 wedding. She knows that I got married (she sent me a congrats message via Facebook) but I doubt she was all that hurt about not being invited.
Honestly, I probably wouldn’t send a gift or a card. We received a few cards from people we know but did not invite to our wedding and it felt a little awkward – we started to think that perhaps these people felt they should have been invited and one of them definitely felt a little passive aggressive. I would probably just comment on social media a congratulations message and leave it at that. If you want to reconnect with this woman, you could say that you’d love to catch up when she’s free.
Post # 9
Personally I think it’s stupid that you have to be lectured “it isn’t tit for tat”, but hey that’s the bee. Really, I don’t see why people just can’t say sorry I know how you feel and then save the lecture. Anyway, I am sorry, you seem like a nice person and while it is nice that you would want to send a gift, I wouldn’t send one. As for all this lecturing about whether or not you kept in touch, seriously, she invited 12 other people that you went to college with – has she kept in touch with every single one of them? Was she invited to their weddings?
Post # 10
I was a BRIDESMAID for an old friend from high school in 2011 right before I graduated from college. Despite my efforts to keep in touch after her wedding, she hasn’t bothered to keep up with me at all in the last 6/7 years. I would text her every holiday, birthday, and even tried to meet with her but always gave some bullshit excuse to flake out. Few years ago I just said to hell with it. Now that my wedding is approaching I’m struggling to fit her on my GUEST list, and she certainly wouldn’t make it in my party.
I agree with another PP in that a nice social media post would be the most appropriate option for this situation. There’s nothing wrong or awkward about receiving a ‘Congratulations’ from someone on Facebook with whom you haven’t connected with in years. That’s what it’s for.
Post # 11
weddingblues1 : hey bee! When I saw the title of this thread I had to comment because I’m going through something similar. DH’s cousin is getting married this summer, and they asked my MIL to tell us about the date since they weren’t doing STD’s. So since we knew what day they were getting married, DH took time off of work, because the location required us to travel. Last week, DH asked his mom to check back with the couple to make sure the wedding was still the same date since DH didn’t hear anything from his cousin in a while. Turns out, they’re now inviting only immediate family. They were at our wedding in 2015, so admittedly, it stung. I think the reason it stung so much was that they specifically asked MIL to let us know the date, so we were going to be invited at one time, but they didn’t really extend the courtesy of telling us we were no longer invited. I have to wonder if they ever would have told us if we didn’t ask. We know we can’t take it personally since they’re having only immediate family, but I wish they would have at least reached out.
On the other hand, when I got married, there was a friend who I admittedly lost touch with after her wedding as well. I wasn’t sure whether or not to invite her to my wedding, but the ultimate deciding factor was that she invited me to hers, so I should courteously send an invite. If she felt it too awkward or weird, she could have declined, but her and her DH came and ended up having a great time and it did help us reconnect.
I know it’s hard, but try not to take it personally. She probably just felt weird sending an invitation to someone who she lost touch with. Maybe she thought that you would think it was strange? I think sending an actual gift might send the wrong message, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a nice handwritten note. Who knows, maybe it’ll bring you two back to being in touch again.
Post # 12
So, here’s a perspective from the other side of this coin – I have been invited to and attended several weddings where I can’t see myself inviting them to mine. Some were high school friends who married a few years later, and even though we didn’t continue to talk after high school I guess it felt too soon afterwards to not invite me. Some were friends of my sister who invited our whole family, which I have no clue why they did. Some have been people I just simply don’t talk to anymore at all.
I know you mentioned that it seemed like it wasn’t a small wedding, but I don’t think that’s enough evidence to form an opinion on. We will have a fairly big-ish wedding, but we’re paying for it ourselves and our venue is fairly pricey, not to mention my fiance’s family is huge, so we’ll have to make some tough calls on the guest list. Do you know who paid for their wedding? How big their family is? What the max capacity at their venue was?
For friends who have lost touch over the years, the line on whether to invite or not is blurry – but a lot of factors may have gone into you not being on the guest list other than to intentionally hurt your feelings.
Post # 13
weddingblues1 : This happened to me, too. In my case, I had a larger wedding and my friend was keeping his very, very small. I agree with PPs that wedding invitations aren’t tit-for-tat, but I also understand that part of you feels a bit left out, even though you seem to have lost touch with this friend. Don’t beat yourself up for that. It’s normal. What might help you is just giving this friend the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was obligated to invite a whole lot of people so she didn’t have room for all the friends she would have liked to have there (this happened to me, actually. My dad’s family is HUGE and we needed to cut some friends from our list in order to accommodate the obligatory invites). In any case, I wouldn’t send a gift if I were you. A card with a personal message is more than enough and conveys that you don’t have any bad feelings, and you wish this friend the best.
Post # 14
I agree with other bees. Just write a message saying congrats on facebook. Leave it at that. There are so many factors why people can’t invite certain people to their wedding. Don’t take it personal. They probably already feel really bad they couldn’t invite everyone.
Post # 15
I can totally understand being hurt, but (as other Bees mentioned) there is just no breach of etiquette to not invite someone to your wedding even if they invite you to theirs. Everyone’s wedding and friend circle is different. I had someone I considered a friend get married where I learned about it on FB, and I told myself as long as this other person who I thought was as close with her as me wasn’t invited either then I wouldn’t be offended. Of course, I then saw that person in a photo from the wedding. After the feelings of hurt wore off, I realized that the bride must obviously feel close to that person for inviting them, and that I obviously don’t really know how much they talk or hangout.
Sometimes we just feel closer to others than they feel to us, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I probably wouldn’t give a gift or send a card if I were you, but I would comment, pm, or text congratulating her and ask if you can meet up soon to catch up (if you want to reconnect with her).