(Closed) Invited only as "backup guests"

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Just say that you won’t be able to attend you don’t have to give a reason. 

Mi also wouldn’t feel bad about being “backup guests” the reality is that no one can invite everyone and the fact that they thought of you at all if you don’t see each other much is nice I think if you don’t want to go then don’t however I wouldn’t feel bad about being invited

Post # 3
2704 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve been a late guest to a wedding where I was given heaps of time and was sent a formal invite etc. That was fine with me and I was delighted a spot came up.

I’ve also been invited 2 weeks out. Phone call only. No invite. I didn’t commit to attending and so, of course, didn’t turn up. The groom who I was friends with sent me a nasty text on the day and de-friended me on FB! I wish I had just been really clear in the beginning and rather than saying “how nice. Maybe I can come. I will wait for details” (which I did not get) I had just given them a firm “no”. Now I’m planning a wedding of my own I couldn’t imagine doing what they did.

Post # 4
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Having a “b” list is fine as long as you don’t present it to those people that way. They should be treated the same as a guest invited earlier. Decline the invite. Just say you can’t make it because something family related came up. He’ll never know as you guys aren’t that close

Post # 5
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
dee1:  He’s invited you by text, so decline by text. And there’s no need to give a reason.

Just send a polite text: “Sorry, we are unable to attend your wedding. I do hope it’s a wonderful day for you though!”

I have no problem being a backup invitee – so long as I’m invited properly (which you weren’t – you haven’t even been told the time).

Post # 7
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Ah yikes, his phrasing was definitely the problem. I don’t find anything wrong with being invited late, but the bride/groom need to make sure the guests actually feel welcomed and it seems like he failed in that aspect. I don’t necessarily think a formal invitation is necessary, but details are. I would also (politely) decline. No need to give a reason!


Post # 8
1059 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah its hard to get tome by text and people do cancel last minute so his reasoning are not farfetched.  Also, having a b list is becoming norm. 

However, I think he was too candid and informal.  If they needed a headcount right away with no time to send a formal invitation, a phone call would have been ideal.  Also end the call with — formal invitation to be sent after this phone call. 

His intentions are alright, his method of invitation was pretty informal and isn’t consistent with gracious manner.  

Post # 9
6586 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

We got invited to a wedding of one of DH’s employees where I’m pretty sure we are B list- but it was a beautiful formal invitation sent to us and so I was not offended at all. I mean, I can understand having to wait to see if other people declined. However in your circumstances, I would decline. There is a way to do B list- and that was not it!

Post # 10
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t have a problem being back up guests IF, as other Bees have already mentioned, it was done with a bit of class and tact. But to make you feel like back-up guests and not even issue you a proper invite, I would just decline by text and not even send a card.

Post # 11
8366 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
dee1:  I agree w/PP – just a quick text back: “We won’t be able to make it to the wedding, but congratulations and best wishes!”

Post # 12
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

The right way to B-list is to be as discreet as possible about it. The only difference in A list and B list, is the timing of sending the invitation. You send the B invitations as the A’s come back as declines.

Don’t go telling anyone who is A or B. Only the hosts in charge of sending invitations are to know that.

Post # 13
1408 posts
Bumble bee

ewwww wow really, Id decline, your being used yes.

Post # 14
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
dee1:  I can see why you’re apprehensive and would also decline if I were in your shoes.  Just thank them for the invitation and say you cannot attend.  You technically don’t have to give a reason why – just you’re unable to make it.  Don’t send a gift. 

Post # 15
307 posts
Helper bee

I think B-listing is insulting and terrible and I’m honestly shocked there are so many women on here who approve of it. I promise that saying that is not directed at any women in particular. Just speaking to how I feel about B-listing.

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