Post # 1
My boyfriend and I attended a wedding and ran into a mutual friend. This friend is getting married in September and previously expressed that it would be a small wedding due to a limited budget. However, when we ran into him he told us that several guests had cancelled and there was now room for us at the wedding. This didn’t sit well with me, but I told him we would try to make it without promising we would attend.
Since then, he’s texted me the wedding details rather than send us an invitation. He didn’t even mention what time it will be, though he did tell me where they were registered for gifts. The more my boyfriend and I discuss this, the more we want to decline the invitation because we feel we are being used for a gift and the invitation was pretty tacky. Not only were we invited as “backup guests,” we didn’t even receive a formal invitation with all the details, and he invited us while we were attending someone else’s wedding! We aren’t close…he’s a former coworker that we haven’t seen in almost a year and we don’t know anyone else that will be attending.
What’s the best way to decline the invitation without revealing that we simply don’t want to go?
Thanks in advance!
This topic was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by dee1.
This topic was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by dee1.
Post # 2
Just say that you won’t be able to attend you don’t have to give a reason.
Mi also wouldn’t feel bad about being “backup guests” the reality is that no one can invite everyone and the fact that they thought of you at all if you don’t see each other much is nice I think if you don’t want to go then don’t however I wouldn’t feel bad about being invited
Post # 3
I’ve been a late guest to a wedding where I was given heaps of time and was sent a formal invite etc. That was fine with me and I was delighted a spot came up.
I’ve also been invited 2 weeks out. Phone call only. No invite. I didn’t commit to attending and so, of course, didn’t turn up. The groom who I was friends with sent me a nasty text on the day and de-friended me on FB! I wish I had just been really clear in the beginning and rather than saying “how nice. Maybe I can come. I will wait for details” (which I did not get) I had just given them a firm “no”. Now I’m planning a wedding of my own I couldn’t imagine doing what they did.
Post # 4
Having a “b” list is fine as long as you don’t present it to those people that way. They should be treated the same as a guest invited earlier. Decline the invite. Just say you can’t make it because something family related came up. He’ll never know as you guys aren’t that close
Post # 5
dee1: He’s invited you by text, so decline by text. And there’s no need to give a reason.
Just send a polite text: “Sorry, we are unable to attend your wedding. I do hope it’s a wonderful day for you though!”
I have no problem being a backup invitee – so long as I’m invited properly (which you weren’t – you haven’t even been told the time).
Post # 6
Thanks for the feedback!
I would normally be grateful for the invitation, but the way he phrased it was something along the lines of “we’ve already paid the caterer and since some guests cancelled we might as well invite you to make up for it.” It’s definitely not an invitation where he genuinely wanted to invite us.
Post # 7
Ah yikes, his phrasing was definitely the problem. I don’t find anything wrong with being invited late, but the bride/groom need to make sure the guests actually feel welcomed and it seems like he failed in that aspect. I don’t necessarily think a formal invitation is necessary, but details are. I would also (politely) decline. No need to give a reason!
Post # 8
Yeah its hard to get tome by text and people do cancel last minute so his reasoning are not farfetched. Also, having a b list is becoming norm.
However, I think he was too candid and informal. If they needed a headcount right away with no time to send a formal invitation, a phone call would have been ideal. Also end the call with — formal invitation to be sent after this phone call.
His intentions are alright, his method of invitation was pretty informal and isn’t consistent with gracious manner.
Post # 9
We got invited to a wedding of one of DH’s employees where I’m pretty sure we are B list- but it was a beautiful formal invitation sent to us and so I was not offended at all. I mean, I can understand having to wait to see if other people declined. However in your circumstances, I would decline. There is a way to do B list- and that was not it!
Post # 10
I wouldn’t have a problem being back up guests IF, as other Bees have already mentioned, it was done with a bit of class and tact. But to make you feel like back-up guests and not even issue you a proper invite, I would just decline by text and not even send a card.
Post # 11
dee1: I agree w/PP – just a quick text back: “We won’t be able to make it to the wedding, but congratulations and best wishes!”
Post # 12
The right way to B-list is to be as discreet as possible about it. The only difference in A list and B list, is the timing of sending the invitation. You send the B invitations as the A’s come back as declines.
Don’t go telling anyone who is A or B. Only the hosts in charge of sending invitations are to know that.
Post # 13
ewwww wow really, Id decline, your being used yes.
Post # 14
dee1: I can see why you’re apprehensive and would also decline if I were in your shoes. Just thank them for the invitation and say you cannot attend. You technically don’t have to give a reason why – just you’re unable to make it. Don’t send a gift.
Post # 15
I think B-listing is insulting and terrible and I’m honestly shocked there are so many women on here who approve of it. I promise that saying that is not directed at any women in particular. Just speaking to how I feel about B-listing.