Post # 196
maritimebride2016: Perhaps the core of the ancient and venerable ethic of hospitality is that the host offers the guest something to eat and drink. Whether it be the Bedouin who was obligated to give a traveler water (and the traveler thus obligated not to steal from his host) or the monks who provided (and in some cases still do) bread and water to anyone who asked–the offering of food and drink is central to the host-guest relationship. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive food or drink, but it has to be there.
To invite guests and not offer them food and drink appropriate to the time of day that you have invited them (in other words, you invite them at mealtime, you serve a meal) or to segregate your guests by suggesting that some of them are worthy of this basic offering of hospitality while others are not is to spit in the face of one of our oldest customs as a species. To do this at a wedding, which is a social celebration of largesse and blessing, is particularly indefensible, IMO.
Post # 197
[content moderated for criticizing others’ choices]
Post # 198
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Post # 199
Update? So, how did people feel when the realized their was a dinner and they just weren’t invited, but were invited to come after?
Post # 201
Even though this has been basically resolved, I think the worst thing is expecting to be fed and then not. So at least they informed you there was no dinner (but then it turns out you were just B-listers, lol. And that a whole new ballgame of rudeness). I may never get over the wedding I went to at 8 am on New Year’s Day (bad enough already!!) and the Invite and website said brunch reception but it was really just bacon and deviled eggs.
Post # 202
This strikes me as pretty rude and definitely cheap but at least they informed you of it beforehand. I once attended a 5:00pm wedding and the invitation said “dinner and dance to follow” so a lot of guests showed up hungry. Turns out by “dinner” they meant a few vegetable platters and family sized bags of potato chips along with punch. There wasn’t even enough food for everyone. I ended up stopping by McDonald’s on the way home.
Post # 203
raspberrybidet: Would love an update on how the wedding went!
Post # 204
I think I’m the only one here who thinks it’s okay. They had a ceremony and wanted to share that moment with you. They were kind enough to let you know not to expect a reception afterwards. How materialistic have we all become that we are in it for the shindig after? Not everyone is obliged to have a party to impress everyone and be judged on how much they spent. Maybe they are SMART about their money and know more special occasions are to come so they aren’t tied down to this ONE.
From my understanding they are more excited about the ceremony than having a reception and that’s okay. I think it’s really disheartening to see so many people bashing the couple for their special day.
There are a million things I wouldn’t do, lack of recption is one, but I don’t think it’s rude at all.
Please post an update on the wedding.
Post # 205
kaelasoul: I don’t think that actually was the issue. I think it’s common in many areas to have a cake and punch reception, or brunch reception, or cocktail reception – which I think is fine. I think the concern here was finding out that everyone was invited to the ceremony, then there were two different lists after that- some were told there was no dinner, but to come to a reception later, while others were told to come for dinner and reception. I’m all for people having the wedding they want and can afford, but this set up seemed designed to just create hurt feelings among guests- can you imagine being invited to the ceremony, being told dinner is on your own, but to come to the reception later, only to find that the “A list” people were invited to dinner and the reception? When we were married, our goal was to have friends and family there to celebrate with us. They were all there because they mattered to us, so we put a lot of time and thought into making sure that they would feel welcome and appreciated, too.
Post # 206
If they’re done by 7 it’s fine. Either way, make dinner reservations someplace nice at 7 or 730.
Post # 207
So, a belated update (sorry, I traveled 40 hours on Monday!).
First was a two hour Catholic church ceremony (5-7 pm) that was brutally awkward. The priest blatantly pointed out that the couple marrying was interracial, and said something like “there was love in the nails that pierced the limbs of Jesus” or something equally bizarre.
The reception was at a hotel, and SO and I were amongst the first to arrive (at around 7:15 pm). We were told that there would be an open bar for only one hour to 8:15. The rest of our friends arrived and proceeded to pound drinks…most of them had 4-5 hard liquor drinks within an hour. We then entered the main room and watched the first dance, father/daughter dance, mother/son dance, and heard the speeches. The maid of honor and the best man were clearly drunk and gave funny but awkward speeches.
Then the DJ called out tables for the buffet dinner. Of course SO and I were seated at the table called last (I guess since we we barely made the cut for the “A list” lol), and most of the rest of the guests had finished eating by the time we got up to get food. The food was fine, although without a lot of options (SO was lactose intolerant and could barely eat anything because it was all covered with cream and cheese). Then one of SO’s best friends took the maid of honor upstairs to his bedroom and they reappeared about an hour later. Yeah. I met the bride for the first time and she complained to me about how much she hated the “ethnic” music the DJ was playing to appeal to her Latino SO’s family, and how she was going to insist that the DJ play “good” music from now on. (She’s white).
I spoke to some of SO’s other friends and apparently a couple of them didn’t get dinner (the details were confusing to me, but it seems like either their tables were never called or they were discouraged from going to the buffet), and some of them were invited to brunch the morning after while some of them weren’t. They were definitely irritated by the rudeness but were also trying to make the most of seeing childhood friends, and were polite to the newly married couple. We found out late in the evening that we were invited to brunch as well (I guess it was also a last minute decision?) but since we were both getting over bad colds, we just decided against spending the night at the hotel and just drove back home to sleep in on Sunday.
SO and I had some fun chatting with friends and dancing during the reception but it was definitely one of the weirder weddings I’ve attended, lol. I’m just glad it’s over!
Post # 208
That’s what I thought they were planning! To have everyone come at the same time and not let some people (b listers) eat. Not tell the b listers to come later after everyone else already ate.
Were those people hangry and pissed?? Did they know they weren’t going to be fed? It’s so awful! They’re way better sports about it than I would have been!
Post # 209
They shouldn’t have invited more people than they could afford to feed.
At least you saw a whole bunch of “what not to do”!
Post # 210
We are having a small ceremony followed by a cocktail style reception (no sit-down dinner). However, I feel that timing is of the essence in this case. We are starting our ceremony at 7:30pm, which will last till 8:00. Then we will have heavy apps (mini cheesesteaks, chicken quesadillas, crab dip, fried ravioli, shrimp wrapped in bacon) with beer, wine, and soda. This will be from 8:00 – 10:30. I feel that because it’s later in the evening, guests will not expect a full sit down dinner. Plus, we are mentioning on the invitation that the ceremony will be followed by cocktails and apps.