(Closed) Invited to Attend Elopement But They Seem Like They're Being Shady

posted 5 years ago in Elopement
Post # 16
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I vote one more warning with a clear message hey bride, if I don’t hear back from you by xx/xx I have to cancel this to avoid the charge on my card. And maybe even tell her straight up you are putting DH and I in a very uncomfortable position! 

I know the groom says he doesn’t want to know but this is something that I would cc both on (and just not give the details) say something like “deposits” so you don’t get blamed for ruining the surprise or something 

Post # 17
1466 posts
Bumble bee

Definitely update us with what you decide to do OP! There is no way you should have to front all this!

Post # 18
4259 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

View original reply
tootietoo2:  You and your husband are wonderful friends, and it sounds like this bride-to-be is taking advantage of your generosity. I would reach out to her and mention that the due date for the money is coming up, so if she wants to move forward with the plans then she needs to pay. The ball is in her court right now, you shouldn’t be paying for all of this! I would also reach out to the groom and explain that you haven’t heard from her and that deposits are due soon. He has the right to know that the whole thing might not even happen! Best of luck, this doesn’t sound like a friendship that I’d be fighting for. I hate when people are flaky with me, I personallly would cancel the reservations without a second thought. Or make a vacation of it for just you two since you already took the time off! lol Good luck! 

Post # 21
3323 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’d probably remind them. If you guys have been friends with the groom for that long, I’d rather give a heads up. I think cancelling without saying anything could be friendship ending (if you care about that).

I’d either text or email BOTH of them and say ‘hey, deadline to cancel is Tuesday. Your share is $500, and if we don’t get it by Monday night I’ll have to cancel the hotel. Thanks!’

Post # 22
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’d give her a call on the phone the day before you cancel. Some people are flaky but if she realizes what you have said regarding its now or never then she will either pay up or cancel. You won’t be “the bad friend” either way. 

Post # 23
9384 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’d just let her take care of her own stuff… even if you see it blowing up on her.  She probably knows.  I do agree with letting her know you’re about to call and cancel.. its just the polite thing to do.

Several of my best friends self destruct like that every now and then.  They become apathetic, listless, etc… and I see them letting their lives fall to shit.  I try to help at first, the way you have.. give them options etc.. but eventually there comes a point where I realize this is not floundering: this is self-destructing.

I’ve learned over the years to just let them go ahead and do it–beacause absolutely NOTHING I do or say will change anything.  My hunch is even if you paid for her wedding she’d drag her feet and probably end up no-showing to her own wedding, at least if her behavior is for the same reasons my friends behave like that occasionally.  

Does it sound super mean? Maybe, but I’ve been dealing with this for 15 years now and definitely tried the bending-over-backwards to help route and it’s not sustainable. Like I said, they still make sure everything goes to crap, and you end up really frustrated, hurt, and used.. and also out of cash.

Anyway, maybe I’m just projecting the issues of my friends on to yours, but that’s how I read your story and the only advice I can give.

PS FWIW my friends absolutely never are upset with me for not trying to babysit them when they’re like that–they know too that there’s nothing I can do to save them from themselves when they get like that.  Also, ironically, I’ve got 3 best friends who do this and they’re not really friends with each other–one doesn’t even know the other two.  I seem to attract people who do this.

Post # 24
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
tootietoo2:  I would personally send her an email saying that the cancelation date is XX and if she can’t pay by then, you are cancelling the reservation. It has to be clear because she could say “Oh well I thought you were paying and I was paying you back…” or some bullshit. 

I would not tell the groom. If he wants to be in the dark, that’s on him. 

And I don’t know about the friendship. It really depends. If they are relatively reasonable people they will see that it is her damn fault the plans are getting screwed up. If they aren’t, nothing will save it but honestly it’s probably better to cut ties at that point anyway. 

Post # 25
28 posts
  • Wedding: July 2016

I would have your husband reach out to the groom and let him handle it.  If they dont pay then cancel it, its that simple.  It sounds like you are bearing the stress and planning of their wedding which is unfair.  It would be crazy for you to pay too because lets face it, you will not get that money back.  You have done more than enough.  It really does sound like they are trying to get out of paying for it anyway.  If you sense they are being shady then they most likely are.  I would NEVER EVER EVER treat any of my friends this way, im sorry you have to deal with that.

Post # 26
1832 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think she has the money so I think she is waiting for that magical oops moment when you guys go ahead and pay which buys her some more time.  I think she planned over her head and her wallet.

Post # 27
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I feel like if you tell her once again that x amount of money is due x day that she’ll try and come back with some excuse that she doesn’t get paid, etc etc etc until the day after x day and she’ll tell you she’ll pay you then (she probably won’t). If you really feel the urge to give them one last warning I’d bring it up with the groom and don’t take any “you’ll get the money after day X” crap and cancel the plans if you need to.

Post # 28
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Wow… can’t believe people can expect so much from others. Def update us when you hear back. I’d be cutting them off if they don’t come through soon

Post # 29
5775 posts
Bee Keeper

I see this as part of a bigger problem with her, it sounds like she has a pattern of lying to her fiance. I may be waaaay off base here, but I think the bride has been dishonest about quite a number of things, including her finances, and now she’s backed herself into a corner and can’t go to the groom for help without coming clean about her lies and can’t afford to pay you what she should have given you long before now. It’s odd that she would tell him she’d handle the elopement and all its expenses if she couldn’t afford to do so. She may be irresponsible with money and hiding the extent of it from him- she may have borrowed money from him in the past and offereed to cover his share of the expenses as a way of paying him back, she may have told him she has savings that don’t exist. IMO it makes no sense that she can’t afford to pay you, the deadline is approaching, and yet she hasn’t told her fiance that their plans may be in jeopardy. Unless, of course, she’s so used to taking advantage of people that she doesn’t see their plans as actually being in jeopardy because she’s assuming you’ll cover her ass for her and then spend the next year listening to her b.s. excuses about why she can’t pay you back just yet, but oh, don’t tell her husband because he doesn’t know about it.

I think your DH should tell the groom the deposits are in jeopardy, especially since I suspect he’s marrying a habitual liar who frequently gets herself into jams. If not, he’ll be blindsided that his elopement plans have fallen through and his fiance will play innocent and blame you, saying she thought you had taken care of it, that you never spoke to her about it or let her know it was an issue or in jeopardy etc. The groom seems completely in the dark about all of this and it seems like his fiance is counting on you bailing her out to keep it that way.

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