(Closed) Invited to best friends wedding but not the bachelors party

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2 posts

I just posted about a similar(-ish) situation.

One thing that stands out to me from your post is that the groom asked you about the bachelor’s party. That suggests to me that the groom wants you to come, and something weird has gone down with the rest of the guys/ the best man.

Without knowing more, I would think that it would be polite to be the bigger man and still attend the wedding – if not, you are really punishing the groom and it doesn’t seem like he has intended to exclude you. That said, if you feel you cannot attend without being unhappy or resentful, perhaps it would be more generous to make your excuses and not attend (please do tell the couple beforehand if possible).

I also think maybe it would be a good time to chat in person or at least during the phone, that way you know people aren’t just missing emails or texts or whatever.

I hope you find a happy resolution.

Post # 4
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Of course you must go to the wedding!

As @quiet_bee:  says it seems to be that it is the best man who tried to not invite you, not the groom or the other groomsmen. Just have the groom or the guy who wanted a lift add you back into the conversation. Call the groom, have him give you the date and the best man’s number. Call the best man and ask him what your share is of the party and when it is etc.

Remember that it is the best man who plans the party and invited everyone, most likely the groom had no idea that you weren’t invited. 

Even if the best man is trying to not invite you (possibly because his SO saw the stripper comment and freaked out not realising it was a joke?) then that is his problem, not the groom’s. You’ll just hurt the groom by not going to the wedding.

Post # 5
23 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MGP:  I totally agree with Tickles and quiet_bee. It sounds like the groom wants you there so I say go to the wedding.

Post # 6
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m with PP’s. Sounds like an oversight. The groom clearly wants you around. If you still feel weird, make sure homeslice knows you were j.k’ing about strippers or whatever. He’s your good friend, I’m sure he wouldn’t imagine this day without you.

Post # 7
511 posts
Busy bee

Sounds to me like the best man is a bit jealous and/or  threatened by your relationship with his brother. Guys who change their mind about their choice of best man have usually been pressured by someone, in this case perhaps his parents, to change their minds.

Have a chat with the groom and tell him that somehow you think you’ve been overlooked and see what he says.

Post # 8
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This seems like a simple miscommunication, and I think you should just let it go, clearly it was a mistake, and clearly the groom wants you there.

I tihnk it’s childish and petty to even consider not attending your best friends wedding over such a minor issues. I also don’t think anyone owes you an apology.

Post # 9
650 posts
Busy bee

@anothersmith:  I agree with with what you said. From what Im reading I am sensing some resentment on the brothers part and that is why he has failed to respond to the emails when the groom inquired and you asked about it. 

I would go to the wedding yes but before all of that I would have a chat with my friend to see if maybe it was some misunderstanding.

Post # 10
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2005

Honestly that was my first thought too, it seems like the bestman is the one pulling the strings here, perhaps he is jealous that you were asked to be the best man first.  If it bothers you, you should take it up with the groom, hurt feelings tend to linger and screw up friendships so it’s always best to clear the air.

Post # 11
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Bridgewater Place

Agreed. If the groom wants you there…you be there. Talk to him and let him know you contacted the best man about the date and cost and no one is getting back to you. Then ask for the information from him. When you get it I would just show up unless the groom himself tells you not to. It’s HIS day, not his best man’s and he can choose with whom he wants to spend it.

Post # 12
2488 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Best man sounds even jealous to me –

Post # 13
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’d go to the wedding, the groom obviously wants you to go, and as someone else said, he will want you there

Post # 14
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@MGP:  Sounds like something happened between you and the best man, not the groom. I would not take offense to it because it was not the groom’s decision (he is not the one planning it). It could also be a case of miss-communication. If you have the groom’s number try texting or calling him because FB is not necessarily the greatest at getting a hold of someone as it is easy to read and forget about it – or haven’t logged in in a long time.

Last year I was in a similar situation where a friend was getting married. The Maid/Matron of Honor had major issues with me since before the friend even got engaged (her and I used to be really tight at one point in time) and I still don’t know what her issue was (she had blocked me on FB and everything). I didn’t really care. Except that she made the bride look awful by uninviting people that had been invited to the stag and doe (including myself) and trying to use her power as a Maid/Matron of Honor to control the guest list so anyone she did not like/was having an issue with would not be invited. She made the bride look like a terrible person. However, I still went to the wedding and was happy for her because I realized that this girl was the problem. When others realized then I was invited by the bride herself to the bachelorette. (A short aside: the Maid/Matron of Honor had issues with the BMs and other people so now she is only friends/in touch with the bride because she viewed as everyone else having slighted her – just a girl that could not help herself and had to create drama when there need be none)

My point is if the Bridesmaid or Best Man has a problem with you then that has nothing to do with the groom. Don’t take it personally, wish your friend all the happiest, and enjoy the wedding.

ETA: Just ask one of the other attendees for the details if it has not happened yet.

Post # 15
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

When in doubt, just ask your friend point blank if he wants you there. 

Post # 16
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sounds like this is all the best man’s doing. The groom seems to want you there, it’s the best man who left you out. I agree with previous posters who said it sounds like he was pressured to change his mind. I know parents, in particular, can pressure their kids to make their siblings BMs/MoHs. Or it could be his brother was extremely offended to the point where the groom changed his mind to keep the peace, and now he’s jealous of you or discouraged by your presence since you were the first pick.

So attend the wedding. It sounds like the groom wants you there.

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