(Closed) Invited to bridal shower, but not wedding…

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@Jizes- I don’t think what you did was wrong.  I think just like the OP has said twice now that if you are having a destination wedding or a small immediate family only type event then having a shower where you invite others is understandable.  What is not understandable is when you’ve invited hundreds of people to the wedding and only a handful to the shower and those shower guests don’t get a wedding invite, just seems rude.  

Post # 48
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@sailor:  I think it’s rude because it holds the hostess responsible for an error for which she may bear no fault.  It’s entirely possible that the bride failed to notify her friend, sister, cousin, whoever is hosting, of the final guestlist for the wedding, and now she’s stuck feeling guilty for an innocent mistake.  And what if the shower was a surprise?  Is it unreasonable for the hostess to assume that all the female cousins and SOs of cousins would be invited to the wedding and proceed accordingly?

OP is actually irritated with the bride, and that’s the person to whom she ought to be venting her ire.  Attacking her indirectly via the hostess just adds drama and increases the likelihood of hurt feelings on multiple accounts.  The apprpriate thing to do would be to call the bride herself and say, “I was hurt and confused that I was invited to your shower, but not your wedding.  It made me feel as though I’m not x, y or z enough to participate in your celebration except by giving you a present.”

That, and pointing out someone else’s bad manners is pretty rude just on its own.

Post # 49
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think your response is fine – but don’t let yourself get worked up about it, I am sure it was an honest mistake. 

Post # 50
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think you’re being rude at all. 

 

You’re completely justified in you reasoning….

 

Maybe you’re a B list invite? it doesnt take any of the sting away, but it could be possible. 

 

Post # 51
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

It appears that your lack of “sugar coating” your response made some people think it was snarky.  I’d have to disagree.  Personally, I’m always in favor being direct about things.  Why waste ink and paper beating around the bush?  You didn’t use any negative adjectives against the bride or the host.

I like your idea of contributing a small gift anyway.  I have some coworkers who didn’t “make the cut” but still gave me cards with money in them.  There’s no rule that says no invitation = no gift.  🙂

Post # 52
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I like your response. It made me smile. 

I was recently invited to a bachlorette party but i’m not invited to the wedding. I just recently have become closer to her and don’t expect an invite to the wedding. Her mother thought it was rude to invite me but I’m always game for a party. Besides it’s not like the bridal shower where you typically bring a gift. It’s just girl’s night out and it was the one event that she had full control over the guest list.

Post # 54
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

Let’s keep in mind that often, bridal showers are not hosted by, and guests are not chosen by, the bride and groom. People attended my bridal shower who were not invited to my wedding and it was no “fault” of my own. I think it depends on the family, as well. My Mother-In-Law threw my shower and included several extended cousins and great-great aunts who were not invited to the wedding so they would feel included, and they were happy to attend, as this is the common way of things within my husband’s family – extended family members always pitch in for one another’s bridal showers but do not attend the main event .

Post # 55
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@pieceacake:  Yay!  It looks like your direct reply ended up reversing an oversight!  Did you change your RSVP to the shower to a yes?

Post # 56
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think you were being rude or snarky at all.  You got your point across and now your cousins realized that they made a mistake.  If you had simply responded “No”, they wouldn’t have ever realized their mistake, and you would have harbored resentment about this for a really long time and they would have been none the wiser!

Post # 57
Member
693 posts
Busy bee

I told my Maid/Matron of Honor not to invite anyone who isn’t invited to the wedding…. She hasn’t asked me for a list but i shared the list with my mom a few times. I hope my mom passes along the word LOL  i’m thinking they are going for the suprise LOL

Post # 58
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yea I don’t understand how direct and honest is somehow rude. Look at all the comments, some people are saying the bride makes the guest list, others are saying the hostess does…so what’s the problem letting them know?

OP, I’m glad everything worked out.

Post # 59
Member
7038 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@CupcakeSprinkles: You just fought rudeness with rudeness. Maybe you should follow your own advice?

Post # 60
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I absolutely hate it when people come off as gift-grabby. It’s one thing if say, an Maid/Matron of Honor is throwing a shower and decides to invite some mutual aquaintances who weren’t invited to the wedding yet still want to be included somehow. Or if say, at your work a bunch of coworkers who are not invited to the wedding decide they want to throw you a shower. In both cases (or something similar) the bride had nothing to do with who was invited, and certainly can’t be accused of trying to solicit gifts.

Or, (and this is tacky, but not the bride/grooms fault) let’s say the shower hostess decides to create her own guestlist by raiding the bride or groom’s facebook friend list in order to get the numbers up. Tacky yes, but not on the part of the engaged couple. My own cousin’s friends did that (to a bunch of out of state relatives who would not be driving 10 hours each way to attend a 2 hour shower but managed to include where she was registered on the invite, most likely in the hopes the out of state people would just send a gift along with their regrets.)

 

However, this OP received an invitation, in the mail. Which means, most likely, the bride-or possibly the groom-provided it, which means, they knew they were inviting someone who was not invited to the wedding. That to me, comes off as gift grabby. I’d be annoyed too.

 

EDIT: @pieceofcake: He said it was an oversight (he left me and all of my siblings off the guest list) and apologized.  He said he would be mailing all of us an invite asap. Do you think that’s true? When they were providing the guests name/addresses for the shower, don’t you think they would have had their ‘doh! moment?

Post # 61
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think people just don’t get the ettiquette anymore, and assume they are being nice by trying to include more people to a shower, but don’t understand that “Shower” means gift, and so it comes off as a gift grab, which is indeed rude. That goes for both brides & their MoH or other party hostesses.

It is appropriate to add friends you could not invite to the wedding to a bachelorette party (if it is a reasonably priced one), or other “girl’s night out”, if you just want to spend time with more ladies than you can afford to have at your wedding. It is not correct to invite non-wedding guests to anything labeled Shower or Engagement Party, with the exception being if a co-worker coordinates something for work friends in your honor (this is pretty normal).

By The Way — it is inappropriate to put the registry info on invites too — people forget that! That’s what bridal party members, websites, etc. are for.

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