(Closed) Invited to shower but not wedding…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Rude or Not Rude? Invited to shower but not wedding

    Rude!: You just don't do that!

    Not Rude! It is common for this to be done... get over it.

  • Post # 29
    798 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I’ve seen that, where people go away on a destination wedding, and not everyone can make it with them, but, i think it’s commonplace to invite ladies who are invited to the wedding only….

    Post # 31
    3866 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    View original reply
    @Willow1991: it’s gets better.  She said the reason she wanted the showers WAS FOR THE GIFTS!!!!!  (Greedy much???)

    Honestly, I’d just up and ask.  If she says it’s rude, raise a brow and bring up the “shower invite but no wedding invite” rudeness.

    If it helps, my brother’s best friend claimed he sent the invite and got the RSVP back saying “no”!!!!!  We NEVER got the invite, either!  (We had my brother questing him about it, lol)

    Post # 32
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    Very rude, despite what others may tell you. If someone is invited to the shower, they must also be invited to the wedding. The only exception is church/work showers where it’s automatically assumed that those folks will not be invited but they want to share in your joy anyway, which is fine.

    Post # 34
    58 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2012


    Post # 35
    5889 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2012

    yeah, i agree that you have to ask.  this is probably a lost invitation situation.

    Post # 36
    1692 posts
    Bumble bee

    X …. Poll does not allow the correct option


    A shower is supposed to be held FOR the bride, with the bride in the role of guest-of-honour. Having your Maid of Honour nominally host the shower while you yourself are shadow-managing everything as a sort of unnamed ghost-hostess in the background, is very self-serving. And self-serving social deceipt that results in your own material gain, is in very bad form, even if you do make sure that all the shower guests are also wedding guests.

    A great big invite-everyone shower would result in a great big embarrassing pile of obligatory shower presents, similar to the great big profits turned at a public charity fundraiser. So any shower with an extended guest-list that are not linked by some quite intimate commitment is also in bad taste, because it shows a lack of respect for the bride’s independent competence (and if the bride is party to arranging it, it shows a slack of self-respect on her part, too). A large church- or work- or club- shower is acceptable, because all the guests are members of the club and basicly co-host the shower as part of their membership — and in these circumstances shower guests need NOT be invited to the wedding. A very large family-only shower is also acceptable if you happen to have a large family, for the same reason; and old family friends may be included as this is a flattering way of saying to them that they are considered to be part of the family.

    But for all other showers, the norm is that they should be small and intimate, pretty much co-hosted by the bride’s most intimate friends all working together, and NO-ONE should be invited (whether they get a wedding invitation or not) unless the hostesses can be sure that person actively WANTS to honour the bride with a shower present.

    Post # 37
    417 posts
    Helper bee

    I think its extremely rude!!  I would hope that the invitation to the wedding did get lost somewhere in the mail but if not, totally rude and I would not attend the shower.

    Post # 38
    9051 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I think it’s rude, and honestly I don’t think destination weddings are an exception.  I agree that if you choose to have a small wedding elsewhere, you sacrifice the “right” to a large shower.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be limited to people who RSVP’d yes to the wedding, but everyone at your shower should have received an invite.

    Post # 39
    620 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think it’s extremely rude!  It’s like a gift grab.  “Hey come to my shower and spend money on buying me a gift, but I can’t spend money for you to attend my wedding.”  No way would I go to that shower.

    Post # 40
    139 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I still differ with some responses. I think destination weddings are indeed an exception. bc I am not handling my guest list to my shower & so my hostesses are inviting my guests.  And yes there will be people there that did not get an invitation to my wedding. reason?– bc they have said they wanted to bless me & realize that I chose to have an intimate wedding. It’s not that I didnt want those people to come, but I chose the beach wedding that I wanted to have out of town. And with only my immediate family members. Why couldn’t my church members, parent’s friends, coworkers and other friends want to come to my shower? Thats not rude at all… because of the destination wedding… but hey, that’s just my opinion. *shrugs*

    No as far as the original post, I do feel it may be a little rude if circumstances were of a “normal” wedding.  But again, it prob got lost in the mail..

    Post # 41
    1692 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @PennyTee: The exceptions that you are making are quite appropriate, but it’s not because you are having a desitination wedding. It is because the people who are invited to your shower (that are not invited to the wedding) WANTED to be invited to your shower. And that is the real underlying “rule” about who should or shouldn’t be invited to a shower in all cases.

    Typically, the people who want to shower you with gifts are your most intimate friends, and typically your most intimate friends would of course be invited to the wedding. From these basic principles, a bunch of brides who like simplistic rules (I can give you the website they hang out on, if you haven’t already heard of it 😉 started trotting out the oversimplification that a shower “invite” requires a wedding “invite”. And from there, they skipped over the detail that showers are supposed to be understated intimate affairs where the bride is treated as a guest, and came up with the work-around that as long as she invites everyone to the wedding and has another person front her party as nominal “hostess”, that she can dictate the guestlist and other details and cast her shower-gift net as widely as possible.

    This is all wrong. No bride should be handling the guest list to her own shower, and regardless of who “gets invites” to what, no-one should receive an invitation to the shower unless the shower hostess knows that person truly wants to help shower the bride with gifts. You, on the other hand, are doing everything just fine.


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