(Closed) Invited to shower not wedding- to gift or not to gift?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I suppose if you sent a gift to the other shower you were invited to, then to send a gift to this one….. but maybe it can just be something small – I feel your pain with the tightness of money these days.


Post # 4
2680 posts
Sugar bee

To be honest, I wouldnt and it wouldnt just have to do with money.  It is incredibly rude to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding.  If you invite someone to a shower they are expected to be invited to the wedding and that would upset me enough not to buy a gift.  Maybe thats just me being petty but I wouldnt send one.

Post # 5
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I totally agree with naangel55.  Clearly these cousins are not up on ettiquette and neither are there parents, as they should know that you can’t invite someone to shower and not to wedding.

Post # 6
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wouldn’t have sent gifts, either! It was REALLy awkward when one of the cousins came to my shower, and it turns out her invite got lost (i DID invite her, because I remember the strange spelling of the city and trying not to mess it up!) and she was all, "well i wasn’t invited" and i felt like such a fool even though my Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law were throwing the shower.

If you feel inclined to send a gift, some of the people sent me $25 gift cards to my registries who didn’t come to my shower. I thought it was a really nice gesture and very unexpected. So, $25 might be something you are comfortable with =]

Post # 7
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with naangel55 that inviting people to the shower but not to the wedding is really rude (the exception being a shower where none of the guests are invited to the wedding — like a co-workers shower for a bride having a tiny destination wedding).  It sounds like you’re from out of town and couldn’t attend the shower, which makes it doubly rude since it’s basically a request for a present instead of an invitation to a party.

Your husband’s cousins clearly aren’t up on typical shower etiquette, but they probably didn’t mean to offend, and since you sent a gift to one cousin it’s probably best to send one to cousin #2 as well. I think a $25 gift card to the registry store is a great idea.  It’s a nice gesture, it doesn’t break the bank, and you won’t have to pay a zillion dollars for shipping.

Post # 8
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I would not send a gift.  It is inappropriate to invite somebody to the bridal shower and not the wedding. 

Post # 9
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yeah, I agree with that last post completely!  You dont invite someone to the shower who isn’t invited to the wedding.  I have never even heard of that!  It was different with the first "incident"…you thought you were going to be invited to the wedding when you sent the shower gift.  I would definitely not send a shower gift this time.

Post # 10
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t do it either.  ANd I wouldn’t feel bad, at all.  Really, are you close to them?  Are you likely to see them much in the future?  When you say you sent a gift the first time, are you saying you didn’t go?  Are these gals OOT?  (Sometimes I think it’s rude to invite people, particularly distant people to a shower if they are Out of Town, and unlikely to go.  It’s like they’re fishing for gifts.)

The only other thing I could say, is if someone (maybe your MIL) could somehow find out if you are invited to the wedding this time around.

Good luck.

Post # 11
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Have a few questions for you to answer:

1)how often does he see them

2)how well does he know them?

to me the answers to the questions would show how I would gift (or not) her.

Inviting to the shower and NOT the wedding imho shows that she doesn’t consider either of you two a priority in her life but simply wants a gift.

It’s like she’s saying "give me a gift for the sheer reason that I am a distant relative and you might see me in 3 Christmases or at some other relative’s wedding and you don’t want it to be awkward".

Post # 12
7 posts

I would just send a card, without a gift.  I think it’s very rude to invite somebody to the shower and not to the wedding.  It seems like she’s only in it for the gifts.

Post # 13
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

In all honesty, it was poor etiquette for them to even send you a shower invite!! You never invite ladies to your shower who aren’t invited to the wedding. 

Do not feel obligated to send a gift. I suggest sending a nice card to the bride-to-be, outlining your regrets for not being able to attend and congratulating her on the upcoming wedding.





Post # 14
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I can’t believe people actually invite you to a shower and NOT the wedding.  How rude! I wouldn’t send them a gift but a guess a card would do.  These kind of people piss me off.  It is so obvious all they want is GIFTS! 

Post # 15
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

(I didn’t read through any other responses- FYI)

DO NOT GIFT. Seriously, that is the rudest thing to do. Don’t invite someone to your shower that you’re not inviting to your wedding- it looks like a gift grab!

Send her a nice card, wish her luck and decline!

Post # 16
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I second DaisyR – I would send a card with warm wishes, but no gift.  If they don’t want the "gift of your presence" at their wedding, they can do without your gift for their shower.  A card will acknowledge that you received the invitation and wish them well without any financial investment. 

The topic ‘Invited to shower not wedding- to gift or not to gift?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors