(Closed) Invited without a guest

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

How long have you been dating this boyfriend and does the couple know him?

Our rule is that we have to have met them or they have to be in a serious (i.e. over 6 month) relationship. Paying for +1s is redic!

Post # 4
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@tenten123: Do you and your boyfriend live together? Do you know other people who are going?

The couple may have had to draw the line somewhere and they may have drawn it at “couples who live together”.

Are you close enough with the bride to ask if your boyfriend could come if they get enough “no” RSVPs? Let her know you completely understand how hard putting to gether a guest list can be.

You could also ask if any other “single” ladies are going under the pretense that you want to find someone to split the hotel cost with.

Post # 5
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Since it is an out of town wedding I would agree this is rude, especially since everyone else seems to have gotten a +1 except you. My only question is did your friend know you had thsi bf at the time the invitations were mailed? I would just politely ask your friend if you could bring a +1, we had a few people do this and since our RSVP count was looking good we allowed the additional guests.

Post # 6
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

Hmmm, I’m not sure. If people are bringing their spouses/live-in significant others, the bride and groom may see your relationship as different. A lot of couples have a sort of cut-off when it comes to who can bring a date, usually along the lines of: married, engaged, or living together. If you don’t meet that cut-off, then they wouldn’t have extended a plus one to you. I have no idea if that is, in fact, the situation–I’m only speculating based on what I see couples choosing around the hive.

If you’re upset, you have a right to feel that way, and you are under no obligation to attend the wedding. You can, if you’re comfortable, always ask the bride and groom if you can bring a date (we had several people do this). As you said, though, weddings are expensive, and not giving all of their guests a plus one may have been one thing the bride and groom had to cut, so I wouldn’t take it personally.

Post # 7
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@tenten123: Are other couples in similarly serious relationships invited? If so then it’s a little rude. If not then the couple probably didn’t want to invite everyone with a plus one. Will you know other people there?

The only people we invited with “plus ones” (that is, any date they want rather than specifically inviting their long-term partner that we know) were people who won’t know anyone else at the wedding. Otherwise our policy was basically if we haven’t met their boy/girlfriend, they don’t get an invite. We’re not paying to have people there we don’t know.

Post # 8
Member
6341 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

Our plus one rule is:

They have to be in a serious relationship ie have been together at least 12-18 months

We have to have met them properly at least once

They won’t know anyone else there (in which case 1 and 2 don’t apply; but not applicable to us at present, everyone will know at least 3 other people well)

Every guest is costing us a LOT of money (around $200), and we only have room for 50 for the day, which means that unfortunately, if all our currently-single friends have partners by then, some won’t get invites to the day, only to the evening.

So I would say it depends on how long you’ve been with your boyfriend, and whether the bride and groom have met him. Ultimately, it is their wedding, and if you feel very put out, or it will be difficult to attend, I am sure they will understand.

Post # 9
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can understand your frustration. Especially if it seems like the date/no date policy wasn’t used fairly. Will you have friends at this wedding you can spend time with? Maybe the couple figured you know enough people that you won’t miss your boyfriend.

Have they met your boyfriend? That could have been a deciding factor too.

I can tell you that deciding the guestlist for a wedding is probably the hardest part. I’m sure the couple didn’t make the decision lightly. 

Post # 10
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I know how you are feeling and it sucks. Fiance and I had been living together but not engaged yet and a family member only invited me due to their budget. The rule was guests only get to bring their spouse or fiance if they were engaged. I made an appearance and then left early because I feel SO uncomfortable at weddings by myself.

With this being an out of town wedding, I can see why you would be upset. Especially when other friends all got guest invites. Have they been with their SO’s longer? Was it maybe an oversight? Do the bride and groom know your boyfriend?

Post # 11
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Our rule for inviting plus ones is we have to have met them at least once, and be in a long term relationship. no one will actually get a “plus one” it will have their dates name, who for the most part are now friends of ours as well. weddings are very expensive.. and it is too hard to invite everyons significant other. 

Post # 12
Hostess
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PP. We cut off our +1’s at “married, engaged, living together.” That ended up whacking off friends who were just dating their bfs, newly dating, etc. We granted exceptions for the ones where we had gotten to know their out of town bf’s really well. I’d relay your thoughts to the bride in the sense of “I understand that I was not allotted a +1, but it is out of town and I’d love to attend with my bf. If RSVP’s and room allow for it, please let me know.”

We didn’t want to pay for people we didn’t know, haven’t met, or unsure if they’d stick around in our friends’ lives.

Post # 13
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I’m sorry, but you are not necessarily entitled to having a guest at someone else’s wedding. I suggest calling up the couple and asking if you could bring someone, but if they say they can’t, then leave it be. You don’t have to go to the wedding if this is enough to keep you from taveling.

We only extended 1+’s to guests who are married or in what we considered to be a serious relationship. About 80% of our guests are about 5 hours from the venue, and we still didn’t give 1+’s to everyone.

Post # 14
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We didn’t initially invite +1’s. Only if we knew the significant other or they have been together for a long time. After all our RSVP’s were in and we had room to spare then we let them know they could come.

Post # 15
Member
5797 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

We cut it off at married/engaged/living together so your bf would not have made the guest list at my wedding. I doubt it was malicious on their part, weddings are just insanely expensive. We had a couple people ask very nicely if their SO could attend and we said yes (everyone was broken up by the time the wedding rolled around but thats neither here nor there). I would ask the bride very nicely if there is room on the guestlist for your bf to attend as you will be traveling. If she says no then you make your decision based on how comfortable you’d be attending solo.

Post # 16
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Actually, it would be rude to contact the couple to ask if you can bring a date.  If they wanted you to bring another person, they would’ve issued the invitation as you and guest.

Hosts are only obligated to invite couples if they qualify as a social unit–living together, married, or engaged.  Your only polite options are to accept the invitation and go alone, or to decline.

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