(Closed) Inviting everyone in the family but him. Advice?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Were you ever bullied in school?
    Yes. : (38 votes)
    44 %
    No. : (17 votes)
    20 %
    Sometimes. : (13 votes)
    15 %
    Very rarely. : (18 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    7642 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I assume the two younger sons are almost adults, like teenagers? In that case, send an invite to each child individually.

    Whether it’s by inner envelopes or writing names on the invitation itself (I prefer the latter), the actual people invited should be named. If the parents realise their two younger sons are not included on their invite (since (a) they’re not named on the invite, and (b) their younger sons get their own), there’s no way they’ll assume their adult children are included on their invite.

    Post # 19
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Ps. He had numerous oportunities to pull you aside and apologize privately, now that he is an adult. It is a concious choice of his not to, whether from shame, embaressement, or that he really is just the same he always was, doesn’t matter.

    Post # 21
    Member
    7642 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @JoJoDahling:  Well then the young sons don’t get their own invitations. Just make sure the invitation is clearly to those 4 only. Either name them on the invite, or on the inner envelope. And then, yeah, separate ones to the adults. Since the adult daughter who’s at home gets her own invite, it’s extra clear the adult children aren’t included. (I don’t think you’ve said, but I assume Derp doesn’t live at home since he’s your age?)

    Like others have said, I think sooner or later you’ll need to explain to his parents why he isn’t invited. You should have an answer ready, whether it’s the truth or a simple, “He’s not invited, I have my reasons”.

    Post # 22
    Member
    986 posts
    Busy bee

    I would not invite this person. I think it’s great that you even said you’ll forgive in your own time, I’m not sure that I could or would. Regardless, as PPs have said, I would just make it very clear that he isn’t invited, and then explain if necessary what happened and what background there is. That is not someone you want present on your day.

    Post # 23
    Member
    2920 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    I agree that you should NOT invite him. He’s had plenty of time to apologize to you for his behavior. The fact that he hasn’t makes me question whether he should even become a pastor — he should have apologized genuinely at his first opportunity. I’d definitely ask your Fiance to speak with him if it becomes necessary, to tell him that he isn’t invited because of how terribly he treated you when you were younger.

    I have so much sympathy; I also have PTSD and extreme social anxiety following a decade of bullying in school. It really did a number on me. *Hugs*

    Post # 25
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m with everyone else. Do whatever you need to to make sure it’s clear he is not invited. What a jerk! I was bullied a lot and I would never, ever have one of those people at my wedding, not if they apologized a thousand times, begged to come, and paid me. Never.

    Post # 26
    Member
    3686 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I’ve been dating his nephew for 5 1/2 years and we’ve been to every family event since we first started dating and he hasn’t said a word, just given me nasty looks….

    @JoJoDahling:  That tells me he’s not even sorry about the way he treated you in school.

    Post # 27
    Member
    74 posts
    Worker bee

    I agree that if this the route you’re going to take then perhaps sending everyone a seperate invite is the way to go.

    Just curious, if you’re willing to share-how does your Fiance feel about him not being invited?

    Post # 29
    Member
    4534 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t know how you can configure this so not to  create drama.

    My only suggestion is to go speak to Derp with your Fiance before you send invites out. I would tell him you are inviting him out of respect for his family….but ask him to make his apologies to not attend out of respect for you and Fiance. That way nobody needs to know what happened in school and he doesn’t have to explain what he did to his family and you don’t have to rake over the past…which is obviusly really distressing to you.

     

    Post # 31
    Member
    4534 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @JoJoDahling:  Noo he is a bully and doesn’t want it to get out now that he is going to be a ‘pastor’……you have the upper hand….he won’t say a word to anyone.

     

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