Post # 1
Okay bees, I need help! My wedding will be in Aruba in May 2010, so were keeping it small and we couldn’t invite ALL our friends (even family). My mom is trying to throw a shower a couple months before and I was wondering would it be weird to invite friends to the wedding shower, but are not invited to the wedding!? As goes for my bachelorete party!?! I want to celebrate with ALL my friends and we’re not having a reception when we get back! THOUGHTS please…I don’t know how to handle this situation.
Post # 3
That’s kind of a no-no etiquette wise. I guess for your particular situation it depends on whether these friends are already aware that they won’t be invited to your wedding because it will be small, intimate, destination, etc. I think you need to feel out the situation before inviting anyone to any wedding related events and not to your wedding. Also, I think the shower is just a flat out NO. That’s essentially fishing for gifts, and personally I would not respond well to being invited to a shower (where it’s expected one brings a gift) when I’m not invited to the wedding. The bachelorette might be a bit different as gifts aren’t necessarily involved and it’s essentially a night out with the gals. I wouldn’t expect anyone to host it for you if they aren’t invited to the wedding. It’s kind of rude to expect anyone to pay for your party or gifts for you if they aren’t going to be invited to the wedding, IMO.
Post # 4
Agree with Kittyachi. It is kind of an etiquette faux pas. Especially for the shower.
As for the bachelorette party, maybe your friends would be interested in a girls’ night out/bachelorette party. Everyone pays for themselves, you don’t travel too far, etc.
Post # 5
If you want fam and friends to celebrate why not have a BBQ or get together to have everyone celebrate the engagement therefore won’t make it so weird if they are not receiving a wedding invite.
Post # 6
I agree with the other posters! You are not supposed have a pre-celebration with anyone not invited to the wedding especially gift giving events!
A bachelorette party on the other hand you can get away with if no one that isn’t invited to the wedding KNOWS they are not invited to the wedding and are not asked to chip in and only pay for themselves!
Post # 7
I think it depends on who exactly is invited to the wedding. If you’re not inviting ANY friends and they want to throw you a bachelorette, that’s fine. But if some friends are invited but it’s a limited list then it would be a faux pas to invite them to the bach and/or shower. I think the shower is different too – it’s kind of expecting everyone who comes to bring a gift, but it’s all based on the fact that they are actually invited to the wedding so they’ll get to witness the wedding they are buying a gift for. So I think it’s worse to invite someone to the shower who isn’t invited to the wedding than the Bach.
Post # 8
I agree… I personally would be hurt if I was invited to a shower, but not the wedding, no matter how far away the wedding would be. If I am close enough to shower you with gifts for your marriage (at the shower), then I should be close enough to be invited to the wedding. I’m sure your mom just wants it to be a fun time for you, but it might appear that you are asking for gifts (even if that is not your intention).
In regards to a bachelorette party, I think it is ok if it is phrased properly. Perhaps your bridesmaids could send out an evite saying something like “Jingle will soon be heading off to Aruba to get married to the man of her dreams! But before she does, let’s take her out for one more night as a single gal! No gifts please, just come and have fun!” That way it will be clear that you are having a small destination wedding & that you aren’t asking for any gifts of any type.
Post # 9
Instead of having a shower, why don’t you have a post-wedding party with all your friends. It can be exactly like the shower – only not called a ‘shower’. That way, you won’t offend anyone, you’ll still get gifts ;), and you’ll be able to celebrate your marriage with your friends!
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2009 - Church Ceremony/Reception at The Waterford House
I agree with oracle. I think it would better to celebrate with your friends and family afterward at a post-wedding party.
Post # 11
True true!! Thanks for the advice…I never consider the shower being a gift giving event, but I guess thats what it is! I don’t expect gifts at all for our wedding (the Fi and I already live together and don’t expect anything, especially if people are going to attend the wedding..that’s gift enough!) But I see your point, so thanks for sharing!