- non nocere
- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
My fiance and I are starting to plan our invite list for our wedding, and have a bit of a unique situation that I’m hoping for some helpful advice on.
First, I should mention that many of our guests will be flying out from all over the country. We are planning on getting married at a campground and then inviting most if not all people to stay for the week to make it more fun and worth the trip.
Neither of us has objected to any of the guests the other has wanted to invite to the ceremony. However, there are a couple people that we wouldn’t both want to stay all week. My feeling is that if one partner doesn’t want the guest there for the week, it is up to the partner who does to decide if they would rather invite the person to come for only the ceremony or just drop inviting them altogether. However, I think that since it’s a whole week together, neither of us should have anyone there that makes us uncomfortable.
The thing is that nearly all of the people in our lives are people that we both really like and are looking forward to hanging out with for the week. We are really talking about less than 5 people total that we don’t agree on.
One of them is a friend of his who lives in town and they see each other somewhat often (every month or so), and they communicate in some way about every other day. It is no secret that we don’t get along (the history is too much to ask you to read), so I don’t think that she would be surprised to not be asked to stay for the week. However, she has little to no sense of social decorum and would probably push the issue. Adding to my concern with her is that she doesn’t handle her alcohol well and there will be plenty of alcohol available throughout the week.
The other is a friend of his from out of state who he sees less than once a year and is probably only in contact with at all every 3 or 4 months. He is the classic predatory bachelor that you see in the movies. I imagine his first move when he got there would be to scan the crowd and try to figure out how many women he was going to try to sleep with that week (whether they were married or not). He is brash and has no reservations about telling loud graphic stories about the women he’s duped into sleeping with him.
I think complicating the issue is that I don’t feel like my fiance is open to hearing my objection to their presence. It seems like he thinks I’m being unreasonable and mean for saying that there are a couple people in his life that I would rather not spend a week with. I have tried to make it clear that I know both of these people have some nice qualities about them. I do not think they are “bad people,” just not people I want to have a week in the woods with and not who I want as a reflection of my community and our relationship.
I love him so much that there is a part of me that wants to just concede completely and let him invite those people who will make the week far less enjoyable for me and put me on edge. But the bigger part of me says that this is the first event for us as a couple and it should reflect the way we will work together. I don’t want to build a foundation for our relationship that says my feelings don’t matter and we each just do our own thing and happen to be in proximity to each other while doing it. I really want us to work on this together and have a week that we can feel really good about.
Any advice on how to encourage that to happen?