Post # 1
Member
16 posts
Newbee
I feel that I have to get in on this conversation since I am going through the same thing right now. My wedding is next Saturday the 21st and it is at a Catholic Church. Well, at a Catholic Ceremony the wedding is open to everyone to attend even if they aren’t invited to the wedding. So I have had trouble because there have been many people approaching me understanding that we cannot have everyone due to the tight space but they still want to experience it with us. Which makes me happy because if I had an unlimited budget I would have invited everyone. However, that is not realistic so I had to draw the line somewhere.
On the other hand, I have been working at my company for about a year, and I just recently found out that my department is getting me a wedding gift because our admin asked them if they were planning something. That being said, one of my coworkers told the admin that they would have thrown me a party had they been invited but instead they are just giving me a gift card. The admin told my co-worker that I was going to invite them but that they could only attend the ceremony because we don’t have room in the reception and that that is what she is doing. My coworker told her that was incredibly rude. She said it is rude to invite someone to only the ceremony and not the reception because it makes them feel like they are not important enough to attend it.
So overall it is bittersweet. I personally think it is rude for someone to get offended by not going to the reception, because the reception is the most expensive part of the wedding. When you are paying $50/person for catering, and you have a budget to keep to you have to know where to draw the line. I would never tell someone it was rude for them even considering to include me on their special day. I would be honored, and I would still get them a gift because I understand that there are budgets. However, now I am in a weird position, because a part of me still wants to invite them to the ceremony, but i know they will think it is rude. But they will also think it is rude that I didn’t invite them at all. They are the first set of people to be upset by not being invited to a reception.
At some point people need to realize that weddings cost ALOT money, because i had many guests add a plus one on their R.S.V.P when they were not given a guest on their invitation. So I had to call people back to tell them no. it was not pleasant, but I feel that in today’s sociaety people don’t pay attention to etiquette and they just do what they want, but I find that extremely rude. It is one of those things, where until you go through it, you don’t fully understand it. Some of my friends were understanding and apologetic of me telling them no, and there were a few that were a little offended. However I was very specific with our guest list because I only gave a plus one to people that were in a serious relationship. I did not give a plus one to any of my single friends.
Can someone help me with this?
I have had people from my fiance and I dentist office say that they want to see me walk down the aisle and they knew they couldn’t stay.
So should I still give my department an invite or no?
Post # 2
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
Don’t do it. When you invite someone to the wedding, you invite them to the reception, period. Most people understand that everyone can’t be invited to weddings. If you tiptoe into this territory you will be in rude territory and it sounds like that is what you don’t want.
Post # 3
Member
47429 posts
Honey Beekeeper
audmar89: I find it hilarious that you are upset that people don’t pay attention to etiquette! The one who hasn’t paid attention to etiquette is you.
Churches traditionally are open to their members at all times. That means church members are free to slip in the back of any wedding ceremony held in their church.
That does not mean that it is ok to extend an invitation to other people in your life-friends, family, work colleagues etc to attend the ceremony ONLY.
I personally think it is rude for someone to get offended by not going to the reception, because the reception is the most expensive part of the wedding.
Thank goodness that you do not set the standard for good etiquette. The reception is the most expensive part because it is your thank you to your guests for attending your wedding.
Post # 4
Member
8769 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
In my mind people should really be invited to all or nothing and you have to draw the line somewhere.
Post # 5
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee
The reception is your way of thanking the guests for attending your ceremony. So no, you can’t invite people just to the ceremony, it’s extremely rude. If they insist on coming to the ceremony anyway there’s not really any way for you to refuse if your church is open to the public, but make it clear they are not being invited by you.
Post # 6
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
No, just no.
And you expect them to still give you a gift? I am praying this is fake.
Post # 7
Member
4093 posts
Honey bee
Invite people for the whole day or don’t invite them at all. It is rude to only invite to the ceremony. My office had a bridal shower of sorts for me and also gave me a wedding gift, that didn’t cause me to feel the need to invite them all to my wedding. My mail man delivered my RSVP’s, but I didn’t feel the need to invite him either. Just because someone knows you’re getting married, doesn’t mean they expect or should be involved. Stop talking about your wedding to random people who aren’t invited and if someone brings it up tell them its sweet to think about you and you’d love to share pics when you get them.
Post # 8
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
Sorry bee, I’m with the others. I think it’s rude to invite them to the ceremony and not the reception. Either they are invited to both, or they are invited to neither. If you can’t afford to have them all at the reception, then don’t invite them to the ceremony.
Post # 9
Member
7627 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I guess it was rude of your coworker to call you out but she’s right… I’m guessing she isn’t the only one who feels this way.
Post # 10
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
One of my coworkers did this a few years ago. She didn’t invite anyone from work to the wedding/reception (no problem, we all understood weddings are expensive) but a couple of days prior she sent everyone an email stating the time and location of the church ceremony and said all were welcome to attend.
I think one or two people attended the ceremony, no one else did. We were told that the couple had a basket at the back of the church for cards, presumably for those people that only attended the ceremony. People talked about it for months! She came across as being very gift grabby.
If I’m not good enough to be invited to the whole shebang, don’t just invite me to the ceremony. I think it’s rude and people will talk about you.
Post # 11
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
I agree that’s rude 🙁 It turns the whole situation into a “A List” invite-only type thing. It is EXTREMELY RUDE to just expect someone to realize they aren’t worth $50 a plate to you. Oh and to still buy you a gift? Girl, please. Plus you’re telling them they can go to the boring (no offense) ceremony part but then have to leave once the party starts…
Post # 12
Member
3679 posts
Sugar bee
What I’m getting out of this is that you want and expect lots of presents from people you don’t want to buy dinner for.
Post # 13
Member
3470 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
audmar89: I think the key part that you’re missing is that the reception isn’t for YOU, it’s for your guests. The point of a reception is to thank your guests for attending the ceremony and supporting you and your new spouse. That’s why it’s largely considered rude to invite someone to the ceremony but not the reception.
That being said, if someone ASKS to come to just the ceremony, then it’s perfectly acceptable to give them the details without inviting them to the reception, but to invite someone to the ceremony but not the reception is just plain rude because what you’re effectively telling them is “I want you to come celebrate with me, but I don’t want to foot the bill”
Post # 14
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
No.. just no. Inviting someone to see your ceremony, but not to celebrate with you after is incredibly rude!
Post # 15
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
well, I am not very qualified to answer since I am proposing in 20 days!!!!but I find this thread very interesting. this kinda popped on my radar last night as a colleague joked that since I talk to her off and on a lot about my engagement that she would be invited to the wedding. well, we never hang out after work or speak on the phone but she has been very supportive/insightful.
is it bad to have like an engagement party celebration meetup to enjoy the company of people not coming to the wedding? I dunno.