(Closed) Inviting my ex…you'll never expect this…long but please read

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I have invited my gay ex and his partner?
    No way! : (43 votes)
    36 %
    Yes, there's nothing wrong with that given that you've forgiven him : (27 votes)
    22 %
    Seems kinda strange that you'd want him there : (46 votes)
    38 %
    Not sure : (5 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9625 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    I normally would say no to inviting exes to the wedding, just too complicated, and after the way he treated you? Definitely would be a no invite in my book. Also, what does your Fiance think about inviting them? Did you check with him before inviting them or did you just invite them?

    Post # 5
    Member
    9625 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    @HuskerGirl:  Well if it is definitely ok with you and your Fiance then send him the invitation, I personally couldn’t invite an ex, but if you can go for it.

    Post # 6
    Member
    533 posts
    Busy bee

    No. Even after reading the whole post, still no. Doesn’t matter if you ended on good or bad terms, I’d never ever invite an ex. Especially someone who verbally abused me! My god, there isn’t any excuse for that behavior and I would have cut all contact. 

     

    But you’ve already invited him and his partner, so doesn’t really matter what we say. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1478 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

    why invite an ex? I mean if you want to invite him then you should but its like your trying to say, youre moving on with your life – I dont think the past needs to be there. Its not even like your super close friends or anything. Also as soon as my future husband seemed unsure it would have been a definite no no. Possibly his feeling didnt just go away and hes just kinda sucking it up for you which means for him awkward bumping into ex moment at his own wedding. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Whatttt?! This guy was verbally abusive, made you feel like shit about yourself, stalked you, haraased you…and you want to invite him to your wedding?! It’s great that he has apologized and seems to truly realize how wrong his actions were back then. But I see no reason he should still be in your life, much less at your wedding!

    Post # 9
    Member
    847 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    @HuskerGirl:  No. I think that inviting exes is fine if you have some kind of connection to them outside of them being your ex boy/girl friend. But it sounds like you don’t have that with this guy and to be honest, I’m not sure why you’d want to.

    The past is the past and you’ve moved on and forgiven him for what he did, but you don’t owe him a friendship. If you want him there because you still care about him (or because nothing says ‘fuck you, I’m happy’ like having your ex sit in the back row at your wedding) then I say go for it. But if you want to invite him soley to show that you forgive him or because you think he expects an invite (he probably doesn’t) then don’t bother. The guests at your wedding should be  people who you have loving, positive relationships (or at least a bright future) with. Not bad menories.

    It’s your call, only you really know why you’re considering inviting him. I personally wouldn’t want my big day to be haunted by the ghost of abusive relationships past, but I’m not great at the whole ‘forgive and forget’ thing. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    300 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    It will probably be more overwhelming seeing him in real life, and the past may come flooding back. I wouldn’t want that on any day, nevermind my wedding day.

    I would contact him and explain that unfortunatly after thinking about it, you have forgiven im for the way he treated you, but you don’t think it’s the best idea to have him at your wedding. Be up front about it, if he’s hurt, well then I guess that’s to bad, but you need to think about your own feelings at this point.

    Post # 11
    Member
    648 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Why would you invite an ex, especially an ex like this? I don’t understand the rationale. From the sounds of it you guys aren’t actually friends, but have just sparked up the conversation again. So why invite him? And I’m really surprised that your Fiance would be okay with him being there. I know that my SO won’t be inviting any exes, nor will I, nor would we accept it if the other did.

    Post # 12
    Member
    4495 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Umm he verbally abused you. I don’t care what his reasoning was or how he tries to rationalize it – he still abused you! No, no, no! You guys aren’t super close friends now and you didn’t have a great relationship or anything so why even consider inviting him?? Just because he called you fat and it motivated you to lose 30lbs? Undecided

    Post # 13
    Member
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’d say no, don’t invite.  The day is about your and your Fiance.  Don’t bring in added distractions.

    Given your rocky past with this guy, I’d say you have the potential for some unwanted drama if he’s there.

    We still spend time with FI’s ex – their marriage didn’t work because she was gay.  We thought about inviting her and her partner to the wedding because we do spend time with them and are friends.  But we thought that it would be a distraction on the day.  Guests might focus on something that we don’t want them to, etc.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3520 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I just noticed that you’re getting married in over a year–so much can happen during that time.  Once you sit down and make an actual guest list and get all of the input from your families, there probably won’t be room for him.  By the time you send out your save the dates and invitations, you can find a way to say that you just can’t accommodate him.

    Your wedding day should be about you, your husband, and your life going forward.  In my opinion, inviting an ex–any ex–is not fair to your husband regardless of your current relationship with the ex.  Friends and family are going to talk, even if behind your back.  You don’t need that kind of drama.

    Post # 15
    Member
    294 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’m inviting an “ex” too who also happened to come out of the closet later on.  He is still a very close friend and Fiance is friends with him too 🙂 I say go for it if the past is behind you!

    Post # 16
    Member
    960 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @HuskerGirl:  I have two prongs:

     

    1) You’ve forgiven him and you’re now just friends so I see no reason it would be a problem to invite him

     

    2) You really should have checked with your Fiance first. My pet peeve was my Fiance verbally inviting all these people to the wedding and then just telling me about it after. Its very frustrating if its someone I don’t want there or if we’re tight on numbers! You should discuss the guestlist with your Fiance before extending any other invites and make sure you tell him about this one ASAP

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