- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I dated my ex for just under a year. He was my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first sex…so he was special for a number of reasons. Here’s a little bit of backstory to my question:
He was fashionable, popular, and ambitious and confident. The only drawback about the relationship, which I didn’t see until we broke up but others clearly saw, was that he was verbally abusive. I had gained weight since starting college (I was 19, he was 20). I was busy working and studying all the time, so my diet was out of whack. I gained about 15-20 lbs. and was working on a plan to lose the weight. The thing is, he was so verbally abusive about the weight gain, but I didn’t see it. EVERY DAY, 3, 4, 5 times a day he would tell me that I was fat and that I needed to lose weight.
He would touch my stomach or my chin and look at them and say things like “Ugh you’ve gotten fat you really need to lose weight.” or “Gross look at your stomach it’s so big.” etc etc, on and on. I began to believe him and think that this was how normal relationships were and so I had very low self-confidence the entire relationship. I thought I really loved him and was happy and was for sure he was THE one.
So, when we finally broke up, it wasn’t very pretty. He broke up with me on the phone and I asked “Did you meet someone else?” to which he replied “Why would you think that? I didn’t meet another woman…” *By the way, he is a med-aide and works around 95% women. Anyway, we broke up and he stalked me a little bit and harrassed me some, but then he let it go and stopped.
During our relationship, he had trusted me with his Facebook and e-mail passwords, which I NEVER used because I trusted him. Anyway, bees, this is where I feel sort of guilty. After we broke up, he never changed his passwords so I decided to spy a little bit on his FB and his e-mail. Low and behold, I found out that he is gay!! Seeing dudes, having one-night stands with other gay men in the new town he moved to. I never did anything with this information, because I’m not THAT mean, and he came out of the closet like a year later. When I asked him if he had met another woman, and he said he didn’t meet a woman, it didn’t click until now that it was another MAN!
After we broke up, the cloud lifted above my common sense and I realized how horribly he treated me during our relationship. I became so motivated out of spite that I ended up losing 30 lbs. during the next 6 months! My self-confidence sky-rocketed! I never forgave him for how he treated me.
*Fast forward to October 2012*
He and I are “friends” on Facebook, but never talk or anything. We hadn’t spoken since we broke up. Anyway, his birthday rolled around October 1, so I decided to maybe try and put the past in the past so I wished him a happy birthday on FB. Nothing more, nothing less. The next thing I see is he’s FB messaging me thanking me for the bday wish. He then began to apologize REPEATEDLY for how he treated me when we were together. He said his reasons were that he was horribly depressed being in the closet and contemplated suicide a few times, and that he had no excuse for taking out his depression and anger on me, then he apologized a few more times.
Since then, we’ve chatted occasionally and I’ve forgiven him for the past. We are friends now and talk online and on occasion, on the phone. The past is behind us now. So when I called him to tell him that I got engaged in January, he was happy and congratulated me and even offered to stop by and meet my Fiance. I told him that would be ok, and I told him that if he and his partner wanted to come to our wedding that they were more than welcome, and he said he would love to.
Here’s my question: was inviting him a mistake? Should I have invited him given our rocky history? I don’t seem to think it’s any huge deal, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I become. I’m sorry this post is sooooo long but the backstory is rather complicated. What are your thought? Opinions? They are greatly appreciated!