(Closed) Inviting my fiancee's EX to the wedding..??? It's complicated.. :(

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I invite my fiancee's Ex to the wedding?

    Try to be the bigger person and invite the EX and her fiancee despite it really bothering you.

    Don't invite her. It's your day and you shouldn't let the Ex's presence mar your wedding.

    Oh this is a tough one...

  • Post # 47
    Member
    804 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    No matter if she is the sweetest person on earth, or a complete dragon NO EXES! 

    Post # 48
    Member
    3828 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    This is tough. Fiance and i did not get invited to his ex’s wedding, despite my Fiance growing up with her DH and his family. All our friends and his family were invited but not us.  My Fiance was obviously hurt because he had hoped that they had put the past behind them since they didnt date that long and had both moved on. 

    If she had the courage to invite us, he would have really appreciated it and they would then be invited to ours.  It would be alot better if we could all get along. Instead there is a divide and has been for awhile.  They also invited FI’s best friend, who declined the invite because he knew it was ridiculous that he was being invited and not myFI. 

    Its a tough call.  But i always think its best to build bridges. 

    Then again…seeing an ex on my wedding day would make me vomit. Its so tough to be a bigger person especially when you have enough to worry about that day!

    Post # 49
    Member
    9129 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    Not difficult at all.  They don’t have any kids and it doesn’t seem like your Fiance currently has much of a relationship with her.  It’s a bummer that her whole family is invited but that does not obligate you to invite her.  And hoenstly, if I were in her situation I wouldn’t want to go any way, it would be too weird.

    If his family is going to have an issue with it I would sit them down and explain it to them that while he is still close to her family, he’s not close with her and doesn’t want her at the wedding.  Your Fiance should be the man in this situation and tell them without saying it’s because of you.

    Post # 50
    Member
    131 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    My Fiance is in the same situation so we invited the family and she of course declined while the rest of her family accepted. The day is about you so I would go with what makes you most comfortable.

    Post # 51
    Member
    3172 posts
    Sugar bee

    Don’t invite her!

    Post # 52
    Member
    487 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    This is a tough one, but I think you know what you want to do deep down, and that is not invite her.

    Of course, in an ideal world, it would be much easier to invite her. But this is a very sensitive and difficult situation and if you feel there’s a chance that it’s going to cause you stress and upset on your wedding day to have her there, then I really think it’s ok to go with this feeling.

    I’m not sure about inviting her whole family and not her though, maybe it would be easier to not invite all of them. I would say your Fiance needs to talk to both his family and his best man about this.

    I would also suggest that you maybe talk to your FI’s family about this. Explain the way this girl behaves towards you (ignoring you, passing judgement on your relationship and forbidding Fiance to talk about you) and that it makes you uncomfortable. They might not have picked up on this before, but be able to spot it once it’s brought up. They also might have some valuable advice over how to handle this, and whether you need to invite the whole family or not.

    In turn they could also even smooth things over with the other family so it’s not something you or Fiance have to deal with.

    I must say though, it is a shame that your Fiance is still displaying traits of not being quite over this relationship yet. Of course her behaviour isn’t exactly helping things, but it does seem like he hasn’t quite put his feelings to bed yet, which is worrying if he’s about to enter a new marriage.

    Have you considered counselling for the two of you?

    Post # 53
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I didn’t read what anyone else said, but what if you only invite the best man and not the rest of his family?

    Post # 54
    Member
    1418 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Call me petty, but I would NEVER invite her. My Fiance would side with me if I were in your situation. Their family can deal with it! WHy should you have to deal with ANYTHING other than happy emotions on YOUR wedding day!!??

    Post # 55
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @Guest13894:   no exes at a wedding. anyone who doesnt understand this is crazy. NO EXES!

    Post # 56
    Member
    193 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Just don’t invite her.  If her family has a problem with it just have his family explain it to them. I’m still really really close to one of my ex’s moms and I’m not inviting her and she doesn’t expect me to.  

    Post # 57
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    If your fiance is OK with not inviting her, then I don’t see a problem with her not being there. I wouldn’t invite her if I were you.

    Post # 58
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    If you get stressed out by seeing her, you don’t need to invite her. Your health is more important!

    Also she invited just your Fiance to her wedding, not the two of you as a couple. That set the tone right there, you don’t have to invite her to your wedding either 😉

    Post # 59
    Member
    2050 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    View original reply
    @Guest13894:  “Then I found out from the Fiance that the EX felt that I “wasn’t the right girl” for him, that he needs to find someone who can better take care of him, etc., and that she really doesn’t want him to talk about me in front of her at all.”

    Well, geez. This, plus the way you describe how she ignores you, coupled with all the swirling negative thoughts regarding her, her and Fiance in the past, etc. are things that don’t need to weigh you down anymore, especially on your wedding day. Obligation be damned. Free yourself. Friends that are “like-family” will quickly decide just how “like-family” they are at times like these. When it comes down to it, if they can’t accept/understand/go beyond their own needs to acknowledge your wishes of who you invite or do not invite (read: not just you, but you AND your FI’s wishes, an important distinction) on your wedding day, poo-poo to them. Smile and live YOUR life. I understand the family history and you are kind to take that into account, but given the relationship history and that you are not all that close and still feel icky about things after 7 years, the heck with it. Don’t invite her.

    Post # 60
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I had an ex at my wedding. I don’t see a problem with exes if everyone is all on good terms. BUT it wasn’t, like, THE ex…. You know you all have one of those. THAT guy wasn’t there. It sounds like this ex is THE ex of her fiance and I agree she should not be there.

    Post # 61
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Didn’t read the other posts but this is what I have to say:

    HELL NO.

    I’m in no way a bridezilla, and I don’t condone behavior like that, but I just think it would be masochistic to invite her. You sort of never get over your first love. Even if you love someone else and they are better for you, you know first hand from you Fiance that the first love can create the deepest wound.

    It would be just no good to have here there to sting you both on your wedding day. Screw the way everyone else feels. This one goes deep, and you don’t deserve to feel any sort of hurt at all on a day filled with so much love.

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