(Closed) Inviting one person and not the other

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We’re doing a small destination wedding that is mostly family and then having a party for local friends when we get back.  My two local gfs that were invited got a heads up when I told them that we were getting married that they would be the only of our local friends invited so that they didn’t say anything misleading to any of our other friends that we just couldn’t afford to invite without inviting all of them.

The last bit is the crux.  There definitely are people that you can only invite without causing offense if the others who match their description are also invited.  If you’re OK with having the other girl feel excluded, don’t invite her.  If you’re not, and still don’t want to expand the guest list, you don’t need to invite either of them.  Tell them it’s a family/hometown thing.  People feel less like they failed to measure up on a friend ranking chart when it’s really about family.

I would totally feel excluded in her shoes, but if you’re not that close, then maybe a little bit of hurt isn’t that big of a deal.

Post # 4
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you have the space it may be nice to invite her. K would have someone to hang out with too. Donno if you were giving K a plus one, but you could just invite both without a +1.

Post # 5
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Well, I’m not sure what your reasons are for not wanting to invite W…but it will be something that is seen as rude and hurtful to her. She WILL know that K was invited and she wasn’t. She is living with K…so when K goes to your wedding or showers, I’m pretty sure W would notice…

Honestly, I’d just invite them both. You could maybe invite them together, assuming they are both single. W could sort of be K’s plus one? Without it seeming that way?

Post # 7
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Have the invite to K. sent to her work address instead of home, and be sure to TELL HER that you’re not inviting W. so that she doesn’t come home & start asking “Ohmigosh, did you get your invite today?”. After that, it’s up to K. to decide if she wants to tell W. where she’s going (for showers, the wedding, etc.). If you are doing +1s, you could always make the excuse that you assumed K. would bring W., but that’s kind of two-faced.

The primary issue is whether or not you’d be able to handle W. being pissed at you, which you said you could, so I see no further issue with this on your side. That said, W. might also get mad at K. … who she’s now living with, so that might be awkward for K. I would call K. and discuss this further with her to find out what her feelings are, because you don’t want to put her in an awkward situation. (This is another good reason to send the invite to her work or give it to her in person, instead sending it to her home.)

Post # 8
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@judithsr:

I thought K was the only grad school invite.  Is W part of the “circle of friends” that K is part of that you’re inviting?

If so than you should def invite her. 

Post # 9
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Jenniphyr:

I agree ask K. It will effect her too, you don’t want her to lie to W becasue of this.  Also, will you be hanging out w/ K at her new place?  Awkward!

Post # 11
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@judithsr:

So I take it that there are things that you’re not sharing about W that have caused you to not invite her, so its hard to say what to do. Hope it works out! I never thought invites would be so difficult either!

Post # 13
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

looks like u made a decision, but i was going to say that one of my grad school friends was in this situation for her wedding a few years ago. there were 4 of us that started together.  one of us left after 2 years plus we never hung out with her out of work as much.  my friend still felt obligated to invite her because she was inviting us other 2.  in the end, this other person declined the invitation because she worked in a bar and didnt want to take the time off!

so i was going to say if u and W are that close like u said, then she may catch on you are inviting her out of obligation and decide not to come….but then again, she may not.  i hope it turns out well for you.

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