Post # 1
I have a large family. I was raised being very close to my mom’s 3 sisters. I feel like they have all contributed to the woman I am today. However, my mom also has 3 brothers whom I am not inviting. Two of them live across the country and the other I am not close with at all… both he and his wife are heavy drinkers and I honestly don’t feel connected to them (Still, I was invited to all 3 of their daughter’s weddings, which I should note is the only time I’ve seen them in the past 10 years).
I have over 20 cousins (who are now all married with children), but am only inviting one with whom I graduated high school and he is like a brother to me. He married one of my best friends and I asked her to be a bridesmaid (when we were still planning the big wedding), along with two other childhood friends. We are all very close.
I feel bad to be cutting up my mom’s family like this, but we want a small (under 25 invites) wedding and we are up to 35. We just can’t afford to do the big wedding… we atarted with that plan, but it’s out.
Is there anything I can do to help minimize hurt feelings? I’m starting to feel really terrible and guilty about it, but I can’t imagine getting married without my aunts there.
Post # 3
Maybe just tell them that you are trying to keep it smal and can only invite people that you see on a regular basis? Not in those exact words though.
Post # 4
The best thing you can do is to mention the size restriction and just say that you’re keeping it to a really small number of people. If you feel comfortable with it you can also mention that you have a very small budget, these days most people can sympathize with financial issues.
There may still be some upset feelings but there is not much you can do about that, there will always be someone who doesn’t agree with your decisions. If you wanted to, you could have a low key (cheap) second celebration and invite the whole extended family, perhaps something like a pot luck at your house or a small party in the back yard. Keep it simple with no dress code, no invitations, simple food or snacks to keep the costs down.
Post # 5
feelings will be hurt, but you have to do what’s best for you and your wedding. spread the word about the size limit/budget. maybe you can have a party after the wedding and invite them? it could even just be a potluck at someone’s house — doesn’t have to cost much at all!
Post # 6
There will be always hurt feelings with weddings – even by people you havenm’t thought about! Accept it and don’t feel bad. What you said makes sense. Most people understand number restrictions. If they ask, politely explain to them it was a small wedding.
Post # 7
I’d explain about the budget and how you need to have the smaller wedding. Everyone will understand, given the economy. They may have some hurt feelings but I would think they would want to save the money from traveling across the country.
Post # 8
Has anyone actually complained to you yet? Maybe their feelsing aren’t as hurt as you would think. I know the guilt of not inviting everyone…trust me!! I have a very large family and had to leave so many out. But in general people understand that wedding are extremely expensive.
How about you have the small intimate wedding you want. And then later in september have a big family party with all the people you couldn’t invite. It can be a reception type thing. Wear a white dress and have it at someone’s house in their backyard. Or if that isn’t doable rent out a banquet hall at a resturaunt or hotel and have something really simple and low key. It will give everyone a chance to see you both and hear about your honeymoon. If you can’t afford it this year, do it next summer. You can send wedding announcments out (you can find them for less then a dollar each on the web) to those family members not coming and at the bottom of it have reception for all family being held in summer of 2012 or something like that.
If that idea isn’t possible, I that people will just have to deal with their hurt feelings and get over it. It’s a wedding not a free-for-all. And I really think people will be more understanding then you realize. Yes their might be some hurt feelings but honestly it’s none of their business why you didn’t do a huge 200 person wedding.
Post # 9
thanks bees. I think the wedding announcements are a good idea and I do think people might be a little relieved to know they don’t have to travel. Maybe we will try to have a low key event for everyone after the wedding. I guess we don’t even need to make it wedding related.. just a party so Fi can meet everyone.
Post # 10
Yes, I think some of your aunt’s and uncles will have their feelings hurt. I was in a similar situation, as my dad has 10 brothers and sisters and my mom has 5. I have TONS of cousins and my cousins have kids. I weighed all the options (just aunts and uncles, just aunts uncles and cousins who live in the state, etc.) and ended up inviting all aunts and uncles and all cousins who are in the state (including their families). I’m not inviting cousins from another state who I never see.
I would recommend having some sort of low-budget party to at least include the aunts and uncles.