(Closed) Inviting people who can’t come = Gift Grab??

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What should we do?

    Invite everyone you want to come! Who cares if people think it's a gift grab.

    Invite everyone we want to come! BUT include an enclosure with the invitation. (SEE BELOW)

    Don't invite the people who you think/have heard won't be able to make it.

  • Post # 17
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    We only got 1 gift (or card) out of the 20 people/families that couldn’t make it to the wedding, so I call BS on the whole gift grabbing thing. Clearly if people don’t want to get you anything they won’t, even if you do invite them.

    Post # 18
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I agree with everyone else – we knew a number of people we invited would not be able to make it (travel costs, time of year for some, etc.), but we wanted the people we invited to know that we want them there.  I don’t think (and I hope!) those who can’t make it don’t think it’s just a gift grab – and we really don’t expect gifts from them! 

    If I received an invitation to a wedding I likely couldn’t attend, I would be honoured to be invited and definitely wouldn’t think it was a gift grab 🙂

    Post # 19
    Member
    4485 posts
    Honey bee

    Including a note like that is incredibly rude and you will highly offend your guests. You invite people to your wedding whom you want to share your day with. It’s unfortunate if they can’t attend, but there is no reason to act so harshly toward them and the invite should still be extended in case they are able to make it. Bottom line: don’t invite anyone you don’t want to attend. Gifts are 100% optional and inviting someone to your wedding is by no means at all gift-grabby, and there should never be any threats of any kind made due to gifts, etc.

    Post # 20
    Member
    1726 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    View original reply
    @Ember78: Um… huh?? We’ve already established that including a note, to explain to guests who won’t be able to attend that they are not obligated to send a gift, is unnecessary (and inappropriate, etiquettely speaking), but by no means was OP’s thought of the note rude in any way. Did you read her post correctly? The whole point of it was her trying to avoid passively asking for a gift by sending invitations she knew would be declined — i.e., trying to avoid being rude. Where did you read anything that even remotely made it sound like she was acting “so harshly” or making a “threat” for goodness’ sake?

    @laura, good for you for just trying to be as polite as possible to your guests. Your and FI’s intentions were very thoughtful and I’m sure your wedding will be a blast for everyone lucky enough to attend!

    Post # 21
    Member
    268 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    It would never occur to me that it was gift grabbing if I received an invite to a wedding I knew I couldn’t attend!

    I’d be more hurt not to receive an invite…it’s nice to be remembered. I tend to send gifts even if I can’t attend, but I realise that not everyone feels that way. I sent invites to friends on the other side of the world – of course I didn’t expect them to make the trip, but I couldn’t not invite them!

    I felt a little guilty doing it, in some cases – when I sent invites to elderly relatives that I knew weren’t going to come, it felt pretty bad to put my gift list and guest info in there too, but then I thought that they deserve to be treated as all the other guests, and given the full option of attending, rather than me assume their decision. I’m not going to be offended if they drop the whole lot in the bin, as long as they RSVP!

    Post # 22
    Member
    181 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    View original reply
    @mrsv2be:

     if theyre invited to a destination wedding, i imagine theyre close to you to not think such a thing.

    imo it would be rude to NOT invite them if you verbally invited them already, plans change, so they may decide they can come after all.
    i dont think it seems gift grabby. people arent obligated to send gifts when they dont attend the wedding. they can chose to if they want.

    the gift statement needs to be all or nothing. either no gifts or no comment about gifts at all.

    the thing about gifts, people know you are human, and people know humans like gifts. but they also know that you dont want to be greedy, no one is going to put nearly as much thought into how many gifts you are getting as you will.

    Post # 23
    Member
    2889 posts
    Sugar bee

    We are in a similar situation and sent invites to everyone we wanted included, even those who previously told us they were unable to attend.

    I didn’t know you were expected to send a gift if you declined an invitation (and haven’t done so in the past). Generally if I can’S make it, I send a card with a personalized note. Through WB, I have learned otherwise.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1465 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Invite whom you want to attend even if you know they can’t make it and send announcements to the rest. An invite shows that you still want them there even if something comes up that allows them to attend. Gifts are optional and an entirely different matter altogether, thus no one thinks of invites as being gift-grabby at 99% of weddings. Don’t include a note as it will offend many people. If I was invited to a wedding where the couple did that and assumed that I was not able to attend, I would find it very odd and be apt to decline the invite. You don’t have any way of knowing until the wedding day who can make it and who can’t, and even the invited guests can’t predict that. Those who cannot attend will send a card at the very least and it is up to them to decide.

    Post # 25
    Member
    4544 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    We sent invites to people we knew couldn’t make it because we want them to know we wanted them there, not because we wanted a gift. If they choose to send a gift, that’s their decision.

    My Fiance was invited to be in a wedding a few years back, and he let them know he couldn’t come because his sister’s wedding was the exact same day. He didn’t get an invitation at all, and to this day he’s still hurt by it. I think it’s a lovely gesture to send an invitation to someone who you know can’t come (if you wanted them there of course).

    Post # 27
    Member
    347 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    We invited a few people we knew wouldn’t be able to make it simply to be polite. One of them was a friend of my hubby’s who had another wedding he was in that day. He made a joke to my husband about it being a gift grab and to this day I’m slightly mortified and a little annoyed that he said/thought that. I insisted we send him an invitation to be nice, but he must have assumed I was looking for a gift. NOT the case. Either way, I would do it the same way all over again, because I just think it’s the polite thing to do. If I was planning on inviting them before I knew they had a conflict, I was still going to extend the invite to be polite.

    Post # 28
    Member
    9050 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Not to beat a dead horse, but I agree to send out the invites as long as they’re to people you would genuinely like to host if circumstances were different. 

    I didn’t have a destination, but it was a fair distance for some of our guests, and I was surprised at a few people who decided to make the trip.  I would have felt bad knowing they would have wanted to come but didn’t get an invite.

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