(Closed) Inviting people you don’t want

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2005

I had to invite coworkers. My boss was paying for flowers, makeup, and hair, so she got to invite all the managers and their spouses from my work. I hang out with about half of them after work, but even then it’s appetizers and drinks or dinner at a local restaraunt. My coworkers knew I invited them because my boss wanted to and only 1/3 I invited showed up. I felt really bad and to this day am a little embarrassed about it. I can’t say that I’d put my foot down there (because she paid for big things for me), but it didn’t feel like my decision.

If she’s paying for large items, then maybe give her a number she can invite (under 10). If she’s not paying for large items, I say go for putting your foot down.

Another guest, I was adamant about not being there. He was my future grandma-in-law’s boyfriend. He made a hurtful and explicit comment to me the December before our wedding, and I put my foot down that he not be there. It was hard because I was taught to respect elders, especially grandparents. But we did it. And my guy stood by our decision.

The etiquette thing (I swear it’s alive), says that a reciprocal invitation is not required and should not be forced. It’s harder when it’s immediate family though, so I understand the frustration. What’s your Fiance’s take on the situation?

 

Post # 4
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2005

Oh, I’d like to add that other than really poisionous people, people I generally didn’t care about were easy to ignore. His aunt was giving him the evil eye at one point during our wedding (because we didn’t want Grandma’s boyfriend there), so we just avoided them and enjoyed everyone else who was having a good time. We had 65 people and the other 64 were more than happy for us.

Post # 5
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I know how that is.  We have a lot of guests that we really didn’t want to invite.  I made my mother cut down her list.  You just have to say we want close family/friends only, and our budget can’t do it, and parents co-workers really should not be even considered unless they are lifelong friends.  A step-sibling, however, is kind of unavoidable.  I have my own, and I really don’t like her or her mother for that matter, but they are also my father’s family.  So sometimes you just have to suck it up.  No fun, and it is your day, but thats family!

Post # 6
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Depends a lot on who’s paying for what.  If you and your fiance are paying for everything, then by all means, put your foot down (although I think dreambml is right about your step-sister.)  If your parents are paying, they should get a certain number of invitations.  My parents were actually pretty good about limiting invites to friends of theirs that we barely knew, but they did have a few friends they wanted to invite that we didn’t want.  I found the best way to handle it was to blame it on the budget.  Get your budget completely in order and figure out exactly how many people you can afford to invite at a certain cost per person, and then divide that number into guests of your parents, his parents, and the bride & groom’s.  Everyone gets a certain number.  Ask your parents to maybe list their guests in order and tell them how many invitations they get.  Then start cutting guests from the bottom of their list if they can’t keep their numbers reasonable.  If that is not acceptable to them, then they’ll have to boost their contribution to cover their extra guests. 

Post # 6
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Depends a lot on who’s paying for what.  If you and your fiance are paying for everything, then by all means, put your foot down (although I think dreambml is right about your step-sister.)  If your parents are paying, they should get a certain number of invitations.  My parents were actually pretty good about limiting invites to friends of theirs that we barely knew, but they did have a few friends they wanted to invite that we didn’t want.  I found the best way to handle it was to blame it on the budget.  Get your budget completely in order and figure out exactly how many people you can afford to invite at a certain cost per person, and then divide that number into guests of your parents, his parents, and the bride & groom’s.  Everyone gets a certain number.  Ask your parents to maybe list their guests in order and tell them how many invitations they get.  Then start cutting guests from the bottom of their list if they can’t keep their numbers reasonable.  If that is not acceptable to them, then they’ll have to boost their contribution to cover their extra guests. 

Post # 8
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

Hmm – this is hard.  I think we avoided the fuzzy grey lines by making ours immediate family only.  I did invite four friends – but they were my closest friends – and the girls that would have been my bridesmaids had I had bridesmaids.  We also did invite a close family from each side – but these are people we are so close with we forget they aren’t related us.

I totally do not believe in the I invtied you, you have to invite me theory.  Everyone has a different idea of a wedding and different budgets.  And everyone has different amounts of families and close friends.  That’s just a silly guideline to go by.

This may sound strange – but I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a friends wedding the weekend before mine.  The timing just kinda worked out and she was on her honeymoon during my wedding – but she wouldn’t have been invited even if she hadn’t been.  I was Maid/Matron of Honor in my best friend from high schools wedding a couple years ago – she wasn’t on my guest list.  I didn’t feel bad or guilty about it at all.

The only thing I can suggest is talking with your mom and saying "you know – we envisioned celebrating our day with our closest friends and family.  We don’t have a ‘relationship’ with your coworkers – so we feel awkward having them at our big day"  maybe following this up with "maybe you can explain to me why it’s so important they are included in our day".  I mean sometimes mom’s just are so proud of their daughters big day they want to share it with everyone.  Maybe if there is a big enough group your mom can plan an alternative dinner party (or something) where she can show off you and your new husband to these folks and celebrate in that fashion?  Plus you could throw in – "this way mom we’d be able to spend time with them and get to know these people that are so important to you" 😉 😉

About the stepdaughter.  Eh – you might just have to bite the bullet on this one.  You could always say ‘Dad is there another reason besides the fact that she invited me to hers that this is important?’  ‘I know she’s part of your family – but I don’t have a relationship with her and don’t feel she’s part of my family’ ‘I’d feel awkward having her at our wedding’

Best of Luck!  And like you say – with that many people, if they do end up coming – it’s not like you’ll have to talk to them the whole time!

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