(Closed) Inviting some family, and not others?

• Peacockfeather
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013

I know this has been asked 100 times already, but I couldn’t find anything pertaining to mine and SO’s particular situation. We were engaged in February this year, and his family (namely his snake of a mother) told us two days after that they would not be helping with anything to do with the wedding.

My mother makes barely above minimum wage and is giving $5k. My father was unemployed most of last year and will still be contributing a like sum. I feel relatively comfortable inviting aunts and uncles of my family because I am in very close contact with my father’s brothers’ families, but I’m only in any kind of contact with two of my mother’s sisters (of 8 siblings). The rest I haven’t seen in spanses of 2 years to 12. Do I invite people I haven’t seen and don’t even have any contact with just to save offending them? Does it matter if I offend them if myself and my mother don’t even talk to them?

Then, of course, there’s SO’s family. He has 3-4 aunts and uncles on each side of his family who, even though we lived in the same city as them for 4 years, we saw at most once a year. He wants to invite his godmother and her husband; that’s fine. Am I then obligated to invite the rest of his extended family (who we both really can’t stand; they’re uncouth, rude and generally ignorant) just because we’re inviting one aunt who likely won’t even come?

We had planned initially to keep the RSVP’s to 50, and though I don’t think many of these aunts and uncles will come, we really don’t want to invite them in case they DO decide to. We don’t want them there, but we’re afraid of offending his parents and his other family.

Sorry for the rambling. I have another major, major issue to add to this later, but I’ll wait for some replies and deal with this one issue at a time. Thanks Bees! 

• Peacockfeather
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013

@MrsWBS:  That’s good advice. Unfortunately I’m among the first of my many, many cousins on mom’s side to get married, so I’ve no idea what my aunts and uncles are expecting there. Then again, I can’t say I really care so much. As far as FI’s family, we’ve agreed that his aunts and uncles otherwise will go on a ‘B’ list unless his family decides to put up.

@missmovies:  Footing it quite unexpectedly, actually. We were planning on having a very, very small wedding, but they didn’t want us to end up feeling bad about it or regretting it, so they offered to help and are helping a lot more than we need. Our budget is still only $8k.

So, the second part of this saga:

Fiance has an older brother, N. N has said nothing but bad things about me since we started dating, trying to get attention from their parents and generally being an ass. Needless to say, I can’t stand him, and he hates me because I don’t put up with his crap. Two years ago this Christmas, he flew into a massive coked-out rage and attempted to kill FI’s family. Fiance ended up choking him out on their front porch so they could lock him out of the house; he ended up taking an edging spade to their front door, car, and the rest of the property. Cops caught up with him days later. 

His parents refused to file any charges; the only reason he ended up going to court at all was because the city charged him with assault and uttering threats including death to Fiance. It turns out his parents fought tooth and nail to keep him OUT of jail despite him stealing from them, wrecking their property and generally being a horrible human being.

He feels that they owe HIM money because it was their fault he went to court; in fact, he owest them over $20k. 

Needless to say, we haven’t spoken to him beyond what’s required of us; I haven’t spoken to him save for a three line conversation 6 months ago. We, under no uncertain terms, do NOT want him at the wedding.

We also are reluctant to tell him this at any point because there’s no telling what his reaction would be. We’re pretty prone when we’re at Fi’s parents’ house, as we have no car there and no immediate exit strategy. Are we allowed to tell the family he is not invited and let them deal with it? 

How do we deal with the fallout from FI’s family? When I told their other brother that N wouldn’t be invited 6 months ago (and nothing’s changed since then), he flew into a rage, called me a selfish bitch, and said that he wouldn’t attend and ‘their parents wouldn’t either’. I’ve heard no such thing as them, but considering how insane his family is generally, I wouldn’t put it past them. How do I deal with this? I’m not going to say I’m sorry for not inviting a violent, rude narcissist to my wedding, around my family. 

• Peacockfeather
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013

@missmovies:  Thankfully the wedding is 4.5 hours away from where he lives, and I don’t think he owns a car… even if he did, I seriously doubt he’d put in that kind of effort. The reason we settled on not inviting most of FI’s family is because we know the only reason they want to be invited is to show up each other, not becuase they actually want to come. Simple solution? Invite his godmother and none of the rest! 

• Peacockfeather
• 5 years ago

• Wedding: July 2013

@JoolyBee:  It’s not so bad, really. When you’ve been dealing with crazy family for almost three years, what’s 50 more, right? 😛

I honestly still want to elope, but I’ve also made our wedding as close as it can get without offending anybody. It’s at a beach resort a ways away from any big cities; ceremony is being performed by a friend of ours (we’re just going to city hall it beforehand), reception on site. Beach wedding in the height of summer, away from cities means that the people on our ‘b’ list who we may not really want to come probably won’t, due to inconvenience. Works for me!