Post # 1
I’m new to this community so please forgive me if I’m posting in the wrong category. I guess this is a bit of a confession and at the same time, releasing some of my fears because no one knows about this. Firstly, just a note that I come from a very conservative background and I’ve been with SO for 2 years now and we plan on marrying in the near future. He is also conservative and doesn’t date casually or hook up with girls without dating them.
I was in France for a year on exchange in college and I was with my ex (of 7 years) at that time. We ended up breaking up about 6 months I to my exchange and I was upset at our break up but tried to be strong. One night, my girl friends on exchange took me out for drinks just and enjoy my time because I was on exchange after all. We did have a good time at the bar and some guys came talk to us. We had more drinks and I probably had one too many. Long story short, I ended up talking and hooking up with one of the guys – he was a local. And we even took it further and spent the night together. My friends thought I just went back to my room. That was 3 years ago.
I am now with my SO who happens to be French. At the start, we talked about our past relationships (how long we dated, why we broke up, etc. Just general stuff). I didn’t mention that guy from France because I felt there was no need to. We were just talking about relationships and not sexual history.
But now I feel so bad. I have this irrational Fear that that hook up will haunt my future. E.g. He is friends or friends or related to my SO somehow. Or that the French guy will try to find me (he knows my name and residing city) and blackmail me or something. As you can see, it’s just completely ridiculous and absurd. I know that to solve this, I’d just have to tell my SO about it. But I just don’t think it’d help. He may feel bad about it and him knowing won’t make me feel any better. I just ddon’t want anyone else to know because it’s really something I’m personally not proud of (i don’t mind other people hooking up, etc. But it was just out of character for me). Counselling won’t do me any good either because I really don’t want to talk about it as me if you know what I mean. Writing this out in this forum is the best I can do in terms of releasing how I feel. In terms of the hook up, I could blame the alcohol for my lack of and inability to make good decisions 3 years ago. But the past is the past.
I think I may have been watching too many movies because the past seems to always come back and haunt the person. I know I’m being a bit crazy but I can’t help it. Thanks for listening to my vent. Has anyone ever had these irrational fears as well where you fear things that “could” happen even if the chance is one in a million? X
Post # 2
Why would your SO care you hooked up with a french guy years before you met him?
Post # 3
kimbim: I think your fears are extremely irrational. The chances of this guy coming to find you are so so so slim and even if he was some sort of creep who went looking for you he would have done it then, not 2-3 years later.
Post # 4
I don’t think they’re irrational at all, but I do think they’re unfounded. You did something that you feel was horribly out of character that you are worried your SO will find out about, that makes sense to me as a fellow conservative girl 🙂 but worrying yourself over it is counterproductive to me, the likelihood of him finding you is very very low.
if it’s going to eat you up inside you can tell your SO, but like you said, it’s not a relationship that has any bearing on today and isn’t relevant info for him to know. If I were you I’d relax, not tell him, and enjoy your life now because it’s all in the past! 🙂
Post # 5
I think you have nothing to worry about. Also, what kind of gets me in your post is that you seem ashamed of your secret. It doesn’t seem like you have any desire to talk about your sexual history with your SO, and I guess that’s okay, but I think I just want to make two points:
1) Being “conservative” shouldn’t mean being ashamed of the fact that you got drunk and hooked up with a guy. It’s not a big deal, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, and the truth of the matter is, you did it so it IS you, even if you’re not ready to admit that. But once you are, you should also know that being someone who had a casual sexual encounter is COMPLETELY FINE.
2) Open and honest communication is pretty important in a relationship. I would recommend opening up to your significant other, if only for the sake of mutual honesty and acceptance.
Post # 6
Thank you for your replies 🙂 yes, I do know I was just thinking way too much over it. But I do feel much better being able to express everything here.
geneva2: thank you for your suggestions. In response to some of the things you brought up, yes, I honestly do feel a bit ashamed but more so, embarrassed. That’s just not the way I grew up and I feel guilty about it. I think I just need to work on myself and you’re right, it happened. And I just need to feel okay about it and move on .
My SO and I have spoken honestly about our past relationships including sexual history so that’s not a problem at all. He doesn’t want to know about the details or who and how, etc. But I didn’t want to speak about this incident because I was just trying to forget about it I guess. I guess I just felt guilty about not speaking about this initially which created the irrational fear (I know it wouldn’t change how he feels about me though).
Thanks agaifor your opinions. I do feel a lot better now.
Post # 7
kimbim: he doesn’t want to know! So don’t tell him.
Love- we all have mistakes, and regrets and immature actions that embaress us to look back on. These events form us, they teach us what we don’t want. Forgive yourself, be thankful for all your experiences- good and bad. They made you who you are.