(Closed) Irrational feelings of jealousy

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it’s a result of our materialistic culture in general, and that gets amped up when it comes to all things bridal. I struggle with jealousy sometimes too, WRT to friends who are much more financially comfortable.

However, just because we feel that way, doesn’t make it a good or right or healthy way to feel.  If it’s possible, cultivate gratitude for what your friends ARE giving you, rather than what they’re not.  I mean, it doesn’t matter whether it comes from points or not – one friend is still giving you XXX amount of money toward your cupcakes. That’s XXX amount of money that she then won’t be using for herself.  And a gift of a massage and facial is a gift of labor, and does have a significant monetary value – at least $100, where I’m from.

One friend made my wedding jewelry (I purchased the supplies) as her gift, and another screen printed our invitations as her gift. I was blown away – and they were so much more special than getting a place setting or something.

Post # 4
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I can see how it sucks but….try to get over it. Stop comparing your friends and your gifts to your SIL’s. 

You should be grateful people are getting you things. They are not required to. They are happy for this special moment in your life and are trying to show their support. Weddings aren’t about gifts. If your friends weren’t happy for you and weren’t even going to your bridal happenings then you’d have something to REALLy be bummed about.

Also, not everyone’s finances allow them to give you a $500 luggage set. C’mon.  That’s kind of lame of you to expect something comparable. 

Oh and that whole paragraph is where I totally wanted to gag a little:

“basically, from what I know: one Bridesmaid or Best Man is gifting us gift cards that she is using points she’s accumulated from her credit card to help us get our cupcakes (so, basically free), another is giving us a friend discount on a boudoir shoot (again, free), one is gifting me a massage and facial treatment (pretty much free), and another is gifting us a voucher for a lingerie/sex shop that she bought as a groupon. sheesh.”

Calling everything they are doing as “free” is really….just….not right and somewhat rude. The cost of something is determined by many factors…opportunity costs such as time spent accumulating cc points, giving you a shoot/massage, etc. Also, take into consideration what OTHER people would be willing to pay for all the gifts and services. They are worth something. They are NOT free. 

I’m not even having a bridal shower because I think inviting people over to give you a bunch of gifts is really strange…so I suppose that’s why I’m having a hard time agreeing with the source of your emotions. 

Post # 5
Member
6 posts
Newbee

It doesn’t seem to be a bridal complex. Jealousy is a normal and healthy emotion to feel.  It’s only when you dwell in jealousy that it becomes unhealthy.  The best thing to do is acknowledge it and try to focus on the positive things you do have. It’s easier to do when you genuinely care about the person (sister-in-law) that you are having those jealous feelings towards. Good Luck! 

Post # 6
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@NotSoSweet:  I do think that the wedding culture, at least in the US, makes it worse. I’ve noticed SUCH an attitude of entitlement (not saying the OP has this, just in general) that almost seems to view getting married as an act that EARNS the couple gifts, as opposed to viewing gifts as manifestations of others’ kindness and generosity for which to be grateful.

It really rubs me the wrong way. I realize Darling Husband and I took it to an extreme (no registry, no shower, told people that no gifts were necessary, etc.) but I do think that couples often have to make an effort not to fall into that mindset.

Post # 7
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Okay on the flip side of this, if I gave someone any of those gifts that you mentioned I would be really embarrassed. But thats just me.

Post # 8
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yeah, if it makes you feel any better not a single one of my BMs got me a gift for my shower

Post # 9
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

I don’t think you should think about it as how much it costs to them, but what the gifts are. You’re getting cupcakes for your shower, a boudoir shoot, a massage and facial, and lingerie of your choosing. I think y ou’re making out pretty good!

Post # 10
Member
6 posts
Newbee

@mightywombat: I can see where you are coming from and respect your opinion. 


The OP asked if it was just a part of the bridal complex and I don’t think being jealous means that the OP has a bridal complex. The OP has a close family member who had a different shower/wedding experience, she also mentioned she had to do a lot of stuff on her own.  I did not get the feeling the OP was entitled, it seems as though she was venting that her experience was not the same as her SIL. She even mentioned she felt “crappy ” comparing her SIL’s shower to hers. 

My comment was only on my opinion of jealousy in general and not based on wedding culture, but on human nature. 

..oops that was really big, sorry still geting the hang of this

Post # 11
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OP a gift of a massage may have no cost to the giver, but it would be of a huge value to me, because any random casual acquaintance can whip out a credit card and buy me a saucepan, but only someone who loves me would be willing to offer their services in this way. Same for the credit card points and other “creative” solutions. It’s just like how I’ve cherished the handwritten notes my Mr has given me, way more than the expensive gifts, or how my sister’s hand-rolled chocolate truffles are way better than any wine glasses she could give, because the notes and candies come from their hearts.

These people don’t have money, but they’re showing genuine emotion with these gifts. Try to remember what you have— very good friends who love you. You can get a saucepan anywhere but you can’t get love like that too easily. We spend so much time looking at stuff and money when we plan our weddings, and we don’t recognize the truly special acts when we see them.

Post # 12
Member
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Is the bridal shower more of an American tradition? I’m in the UK and I know alot of people (myself included) who haven’t or aren’t having one. I wouldn’t focus on the actual gifts themselves (even if they were free), it’s the thought that counts 🙂

 

Post # 13
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@NotSoSweet:  Oh, I see!! Whereas I was thinking of it as “the bridal-industrial complex,” not whether the OP had a complex. I agree she doesn’t have a bride complex. 🙂  Words. So confusing!

Post # 14
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

be happy you’re getting anything, seriously. not trying to be a B, but you’re not entitled to gifts. just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean people have to shell out for you. but if they do? be grateful. 

Post # 15
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mtnhoney:  Okay as someone who is always broke I think you’re being unfair. Who cares whether they’ve paid for the gifts or not – as said so many times it’s the thought that counts!

You really shouldn’t compare your shower, wedding, engagement or anything to your sisters, they are all completely separate from hers and will most likely be quite different. I had a bridal shower but request ‘no gifts’. The whole bridal world has become so materialistic! I don’t care or expect my guests to bring gifts to my shower or bachelorette/hens night. We are celebrating, no need for gifts.

I do understand gifts at weddings, however, I would not at all be offended if someone didn’t bring one.

Post # 16
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think it’s strange to see someone else getting a lot of nice stuff and want that for yourself.  Totally normal. You just have to try to let it go. It sounds like your friends have been pretty creative in finding things that are nice that they were able to get deals on.  And really, if someone came on this thread complaining about how they couldn’t afford a gift for their friend and they felt bad about, those ideas would be great suggestions. 

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