(Closed) Irrationally Upset by Exclusion?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
46590 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you are being unrealistic.

You did not have her in your wedding party.

You are not that close.

You don’t have that much in common.

She is closer to the SIL.

Numbers do not need to match on both the bride and groom’s sides.

She is entitled to limit her choices to those who are close to her.

This response won’t be that comforting but I would put on your big girl panties. Just think! You can buy a dress to wear to the wedding that you WILL actually be able to wear again and you don’t have to share the expenses of a shower.

Post # 5
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Try not to be hurt.  I doubt it was intentional.  Maybe she just felt that she wanted her closest friends/family to be in her bridal party.  That being said, try to get involved and get to know her during this time if you can.  I’m sure it will make her feel welcomed to the family if you are excited to help out. 

Post # 7
433 posts
Helper bee


Are you actually close friends with her or are you just acquaintances?  Is it some sort of cultural thing to have girlfriends/spouses of siblings in your weddings because if not then why would you want each other to be bridesmaids?  

Post # 9
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I totally agree with @julies1949: . Everything she said, PLUS – she IS trying to include you by asking to do a reading. Something like that is a not a job I would ask a random stranger to do, so it’s not true to say that you are the only sibiling or spouse not involved, since you are directly involved in the ceremony. 

Post # 10
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Whoops – double post.

Post # 13
4369 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Agreed the above posters – you are always allowed to feel how you do, but I don’t think it’s a good reason to put distance between you and her.  Why sacrifice a friendly relationship for a percieved slight? I seriously doubt she is intentionally excluding you or doing it because she wasn’t in your wedding.

A note about the other sister-in-law – she married into the bride’s family. You are a Future Sister-In-Law at the moment. I would be honored to do a reading.  My FI’s brother will be engaged soon (we think) and I get along well with his SO, but I doubt I’ll play a role in their wedding.

Post # 14
159 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know. If she were in your wedding then I can see you feeling slighted. But she wasn’t, and she didn’t take it personally. So I wouldn’t take this personally either.

Post # 15
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Empire523:  I can understand why you would feel hurt that she didn’t include you. I am in a similar situation, although my wedding hasn’t happened yet. A bit of background… (not to threadjack, only to show that I feel for you)

My Fiance and I had been dating for about two years when his brother met his current gf. Two months after they met, my Fiance proposed to me, and I was over the moon. For obvious reasons (they had only been together a short time) I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid. Even though Fiance and I were living with Future Brother-In-Law and his (now live-in) gf at the time, I was worried that if they broke up before the wedding it would be a big mess. In addition, FI’s sister had been with her Boyfriend or Best Friend for 3 years, and we were not asking him to be a groomsmen. So it made sense.

I found out through the grapevine that she was upset with me for not asking, so I explained my reasoning. She seemed fine, but immediately became more cold and passive agressive that she already was. To make a long story short, drama ensued, tensions flared, and we ended up cancelling the big wedding and moving out. (We took the money for the wedding and put it towards our temporary apartment and put the rest in savings for a home). We are now either eloping, or having a very intimate, family-only ceremony (with NO bridesmaids).

Now here’s the kicker. They got engaged over the holidays (after a whopping five months), and she’s already picked her bridesmaids. I am not one – that was made clear. I had been hoping that since we were going to be family now, she could put her pettiness aside and we could bond over wedding planning. Not so much, she’s as cold and rude as ever.

So, I get what you’re saying that “I made my bed and should have to lay in it”. BUT, you didn’t leave her out intentionally to be spiteful – you had a valid reason. Had they been engaged, I’m sure you would have asked her. It is the same in my situation. So by her leaving only you out, it is obvious why she is doing it (to be petty).

You didn’t intentionally hurt her, but she’s intentinally leaving you out. They were not even engaged; you are MARRIED to her soon to be brother. If she can’t see the difference in the situation (as my Future Sister-In-Law can’t) then that says a lot about her.

Be the bigger person and don’t say anything, but I think you are completely right to be hurt or upset.

Post # 16
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@BeeandBeeBride27:  “So by her leaving only you out, it is obvious why she is doing it (to be petty). You didn’t intentionally hurt her, but she’s intentinally leaving you out.”

No-one knows that she is leaving the OP out to be petty or intentionally leaving our OP. It sounds like the two ladies are just not super close. Being a sister-in-law does not guarantee a place in the wedding party. Have you thought that maybe she was hurt to begin with by someone ‘judging’ her relationship to have “a uncertain future” after 4 years, 3 of which they have been living together? I would certainly be a little hurt had I found out that’s why I was excluded. 

If she is close to her brother’s wife, she probably considers her more a friend than obligatory family. Wedding party #’s don’t need to match up on each side and in reality it’s her decision to make. She could have been feeling the same way you are now when she was excluded but put on a pretty smile & instead said that she was relieved to not have to pay for being in the bridal party. 

I don’t see it as a slight whatsoever, and I really don’t think it’s intentional at all except that you two don’t sound super close & I wouldn’t want to include someone in my party just b/c I have to since they are family or to  make my #’s match. 

FYI- I’m coming from the other side of this. My Fiance & I were dating for 6yrs when his brother got married & I was not asked nor did I expect to be asked to participate (I helped with their photographer & setup/takedown). I am not close friends with the bride and all my fiance’s family was in the wedding. We got engaged a few years later & would hope that she doesn’t feel slighted or that I intentionally didn’t include her in my party either. It’s not b/c I’m trying to get back at her or anything of the sort, there are just other people in my life that I am closer and more comfortable with. 

@BeeandBeeBride27:  “They were not even engaged; you are MARRIED to her soon to be brother. If she can’t see the difference in the situation (as my Future Sister-In-Law can’t) then that says a lot about her.”

I really don’t see it this way at all. Ya, they were not engaged but I would say that dating for 4+ yrs, & living together out of state constitutes a pretty serious relationship with marriage in the future. I’d be pissed if someone downgraded my relationship like that just b/c we’re practical & have been working to get our ducks in a row before thinking about marriage. I know lots of couples that married & then divorced rather quickly as well as couples that have never been nor ever plan on getting married but have been together longer than my parents. Just sayin….. 

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