- 6 years ago
This is a big one.
My Father-In-Law has always been a very irresponsible person. When my husband and I began dating, his dad was running low on money, and asked to move in with him. My husband was really upset, and it was a huge imposition, but he allowed it because it’s his dad, and he felt he couldn’t say no. (His father is very sweet, but incredibly lazy, and hasn’t worked a day since his early forties. He’s been living month-to-month off of modest investment dividends, and is in his 60’s now.) When things got serious between my now-husband and I, I made it very clear that if we were to ever get married, that there would never be a time when I’d be ok with his father turning up on our doorstep (save terminal illness, or some other extenuating circumstance besides complete financial negligence). Two days after our wedding, my Father-In-Law had a major stroke, and ended up in the hospital for three weeks. Of course, he never bothered with health insurance (he could have afforded it, but was pissing his money away on owning two cars and living in a two bedroom apartment.) Basically, he’s been living beyond his means, and never put aside money. Needless to say, he didn’t work out a payment plan for his medical bills, and now part of his monthly income is being garnished. Since the stroke, my husband and I have bent over eight different ways to try to assist him. We’ve sent him applications for affordable senior housing, which he never bothered to fill out until this past month (he sat on them for almost 7 months), we’ve spoken to him about applying for assistance, but he won’t do the paperwork. It was recommended by his doctors that he enter assisted living due to his health condition, but he refused. The man is just a stubborn, careless human being. My husband not only took him in in the past, but has also given him money, and paid his rent several times. And at the time, my husband could ill afford it.
Now, here we are. Our phone rings last Sunday, and it’s Father-In-Law. (He lives 7 states away). He informs us that he’s been having a moving sale, that he sold everything but a suitcase full of clothes and some family pictures, and that he’s moving north (by us) next week. He has sold every last stick of furniture, including his bed. We ask him where he will be living, and he ignores the question. We ask him what his rent budget is, and he says $600 (nearly impossible in our area, unless you rent a room as part of a share)! but he won’t be transparent about anything else, and speaks in very vague terms. Hubby and I go online, and send him all kinds of roommate share ads from the internet/craigslist. I even called three different apartment managers on his behalf. He hasn’t bothered to call a damn one of them.
Bees, I know that he’s planning on showing up on our doorstep. He is unwelcome. My husband and I care about him very much, and I understand that family should help family, but he has not done his part. He has been completely negligent, and failed to give a single shit. Now we have to take care of him after he’s spent all of his money? No. I refuse to be his mother.
Also, my husband and I live in a very tiny 1 bedroom NYC apartment. We have outright told him that we do not have room to put him up. It’d be one thing if it was just for a few nights. But bees – he’s the kind of person who will never leave once he gets here. He’s lazy, and won’t lift a finger. It’s just who he is. I work three jobs and have been paying all of our living expenses. My husband just began a new job after being out of work, and looking for a position for several months. We are under strain as it is. If a grown-ass man-child shows up at my door, I will lose my shit.
I’m also fearful that he will try to move in with my mother. She lives two hours north of us, is widowed, and has a guest room. He knows that I come from a loving family, and that we believe in helping each other. He will try to take advantage of this. We DO believe in helping each other, but we also pull our own weight, and don’t enable irresponsible behavior. My mom is in poor health, and I swear I will lambaste him if he tries to descend on her. She is very independent and responsible, and he knows that. I’d put nothing past him at this point. I am so, so angry bees.
My poor husband has been sick to his stomach over this since Sunday. It’s an awful spot to be in. He loves his dad, but resents him so much. My Father-In-Law has created his own mess. We told him last night that he needs to take finding a place seriously, since he can’t move in with us. He did not respond to the message, and won’t answer his phone. I know what he’s planning. Completely disrespectful.
Bees, what are our options? I’ve already put my mother on alert, so she is aware of all of this. Is there some kind of emergency housing solution for seniors that we’re overlooking? I went so far as to call the YMCA about a temporary low-rent room, but it’s a lengthy application process. I realize that we can’t MAKE him find a place, but can we really turn him away when he shows up? Like I said, if we thought he just temporarily needed to stay for a short period, it’d be a different story. He just wants to move in and be taken care of. Eff that noise. What can we do, bees? Please help.